Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair

Alright, the next discussion point under "Foundation of Marriage" is "Fighting Fair." Let's be honest, we all fight with our significant others. It is just part of the package. The thing is, fighting isn't necessarily such a terrible thing. In fact, my motto is that intimacy is forged in fighting. Fighting can be a healthy way to air out the kinks in a marriage (or relationship) and grow closer together in the process. It's how you fight that makes it a bad thing sometimes.

First of all, there is a major misconception that fighting is this big no-no that should never happen, and if you really are happily married or matched up, there will never be any fights. We all just skip off into a field of daisies happy and fighting-free forever. (Insert your own noise for "wrong!") This is false! Everybody should and will fight no matter how perfect of a pair you are. Fighting is normal! As I mentioned above, intimacy is forged in fighting. Look at it as an opportunity to get to work through issues together, and when you respect each other through it, you naturally become closer with one another on the other side of things. Not to mention, you get to air out your concerns so you aren't a ticking time bomb.

My main point of emphasis with fighting is the concept of resolution versus winning! I am a firm believer that if you go into any argument with the mentality that you are trying to resolve an issue, you will be able to maintain respect for your spouse (or family member, significant other, etc. - this applies to all relationships), stay calmer, and view it as a team effort rather than a personal attack. If you go into any fight thinking it's about winning, you will do whatever it takes to win. You stop listening, stop caring, and the killer instinct takes over, wreaking havoc on its way. Rather than resolving the issue you went in with, you will leave with a whole world of pain and damage. The point of arguing really is to try to air your feelings and come up with some sort of resolution so that you don't just have hurt after hurt after hurt. We all hate that feeling after an argument where we just ripped each other to shreds and can't take back any of it. So don't even head down that path! Learning this approach of resolution is what I believe (and have found in my own personal life) to be the key of a successful relationship. The sooner you can learn this and apply it, the better!

I have some information and tips on how to fight, so to speak. One piece of advice I would give you is to work through issues when they arise rather than waiting until they build. When you handle them immediately, you are more likely to handle them in a rational, calm manner (there are exceptions to this of course - like when you are immediately ready to hurt someone :)). When you let things build over time, usually you become more emotional, less rational, and more volatile. This almost always leads to a much more intense argument than necessary. This is where the metaphor of a soda bottle being shaken over time and then exploding comes in. When your heart rate exceeds 100 beats, you lose the ability to rationally problem solve, so trying to stay calm is really important in order to have a rational, productive discussion. Also, pick your battles. I think we all could agree that some things you just need to deal with on your own and move on. Another big thing about arguing is to maintain respect for one another. When you just go off on how you are feeling, a lot of times you create more damage than there was going into the argument. Remember that you love this person and aren't trying to hurt them; you are trying to problem solve as a team. Although you may disagree with their point of view, respecting them helps keep things in perspective and from escalating out of control. If you feel yourself starting to get angry and out of control, learn to self-sooth. Take a deep breath or a short time out to calm down and rationally think about the situation. Knowing your limits and when you are about to breach them is important in maintaining a respectful discussion versus an angry hurling of insults and hurts. Another thing I find super important is reminding yourself and your spouse before you even start discussing something that you love one another and want each other to be happy. If you didn't, you wouldn't have gotten married or even be taking the time to discuss an issue. A lot of times before I even bring up an issue, I start by telling my hubby (Steve), "I just want you to know that I love and adore you more than anything. You are incredible, and I know that we both just want to make this marriage the best we can. I am incredibly happy in this marriage, and you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. So please keep that in mind as we discuss this." I find it just helps things to start off on the right foot because it is so easy to get offended and think that your significant other is trying to hurt you. You can never encourage or affirm someone you love too often. So, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, that they aren't trying to hurt you, but in fact, trying to help you and the marriage. It helps when you start to get really angry (trust me)! In an argument, it is important also to make sure your spouse knows that they can be honest about how they feel. You want to get to the heart of the problem, and the only way to do that is for both of you to be able to have the ability to be honest with each other. This is why it is important to maintain that respect for each other. You should express your honesty in a respectful and considerate manner (ex: "Honey, I don't want to hurt you at all, but I just want you to know that I really have a difficult time when you make fun of me in front of our friends."). This is also where knowing your spouse loves you and giving him/her the benefit of the doubt is helpful. If you can't be honest with each other though, even if it hurts a bit, you won't truly resolve anything. Make sure you are really listening to the other person's side and feelings. Sometimes we are focusing on our own rebuttal and missing what they are saying. Really listen to them, and ask for clarification if you need. Also, acknowledge and affirm their feelings, where they are coming from, and what they are saying. Then proceed with your "side." If you are finding you just can't sort things out, can't resolve issues, etc., please, PLEASE get professional help from a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or pastor! I know people think it has a negative connotation to it, maybe think it's too expensive, etc., but it is so worth it! If you had cancer, you wouldn't say it will just work out - you would go see a specialist and do some drastic treatment to try to save your life. Marriage needs the same kind of attention, so please don't be ashamed to get help! (If you need help finding someone, please feel free to contact me at ashley@littlewifey.com) These are what I feel are the most important things to keep in mind when arguing or discussing something.

Fighting isn't a very fun process 99.9% of the time, but it is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. How you choose to handle it is what is so important. The biggest thing I can emphasize is taking on the mentality of resolution versus winning in any fight, whether it be with a spouse, significant other, friend, family member, etc. Creating more hurt and pain is the last thing you need or want if you are honest with yourself. Fight with love - issues need to be addressed, but maintain the love and respect your spouse deserves. Apply the tips and information I included above as well, and you should find yourself having much healthier and less volatile fights. It may take time, and you may slip up and get a little rough from time to time...you are human, and we all do it. Give yourself and your loved one some grace. Don't be afraid to apologize - it's never too late for that. Remember it is all about having the best marriage possible!

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Foundation of Marriage: No Escape Clause

One of the most crucial components to marriage (in my opinion) is that both people go into it believing it is for life. If one or two of the spouses go into a marriage thinking they are going to give it their best shot, but if things don't work out, they will just get a divorce, they are just asking for trouble. Marriage is tough. There will be very difficult and trying times in every single marriage no matter how great the relationship is. If you go into it thinking there is an escape clause, you will use it. But, if you go into marriage believing it's for life, then no matter what comes your way, you are going to figure out a way to make it work. You need that kind of tenacity and determination to make it through life's challenges.

The sad truth is that divorce seems like the "get out of jail free" card, and a lot of people these days use it. The reality is that divorce is anything but a "get out of jail free" card. Divorce is painful for both spouses, for the children that might be involved, and for the extended families. Divorce is expensive and time consuming. And truthfully, almost every person I have ever talked to that got a divorce and re-married, said that they wished they had just stayed with their spouse. Most of those people tell me that they thought things would be better or easier if they just found someone else, but the reality is it's just a different situation and person with a whole new set of issues. Now, I want to stress that I am not trying to condemn anyone, judge anyone, or even state that there is never a reason to divorce. I do believe though that marriage is a commitment that you make for life, it's a vow you have taken before God, family, and friends, which is not to be taken lightly at all! If you examine your vows, they are serious stuff:

• in sickness and in health
• for richer and for poorer
• forsaking all others
• until death do us part

Those are serious statements you make. It's important to stop and think about those for awhile and really allow it to sink in what they mean. That's why I believe it's so important to make sure you are picking the right spouse, understanding the vow and commitment you are about to make, and make sure you are both believing it is for life. If you have been divorced before, my encouragement to you would be to not make the same "mistake" twice. If you get remarried, make this one for life!

Going into marriage with both people fully set on marriage being for life with no escape clause is setting yourself up for success. You provide a sense of security and an intimate, unbreakable bond for yourself, your spouse, and for your family. It provides you with this ability to realize no matter what life throws your way, you are going to make it through it together and much stronger and better on the other side. It will not always be easy, but you will make it through. One of the coolest and most exciting aspects of marriage is the fact that you are vowing to have someone beside you for the rest of your life through the ups and downs, good and bad, rough and easy, fun and tough. Two are so much stronger than one.

So, if you are dating someone, find out if they believe marriage is for life. Same goes for if you are getting ready to be married. If they are, then make sure you are on the same page with them. If they aren't, my suggestion would be to move on while you can. If you are in a marriage, sit down with your spouse and talk about this. "Do we believe marriage is for life?" Make sure you come out deciding it is for both of you. And if you are divorced and remarried, make sure you both determine this one is for life. I guarantee you that making this decision and having this mentality creates a whole different type of marriage because you are both going to make it work no matter what. If you aren't jumping ship, then you get serious to figure out how you can keep it afloat. No escape clause, just sticking together through whatever life throws your way!

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Foundation of Marriage: Attitude

We all know that having a good attitude toward anything is super important. How many times have you gone into something with a bad attitude and come out of it having had the best result? Usually you end up being miserable and making everyone else miserable right along with you. Marriage is the same way - a good attitude makes a world of difference. If one or both spouses has a bad attitude about the marriage, most likely you are both just going to be miserable. So, put your bad attitude away, and pull out your best attitude to get things started right.

Now, besides having a good attitude, there is also the need to have a specific type of attitude and focus. In marriage, you really need to have an attitude of other-oriented rather than self-seeking. Today's western society is very self-serving; it's all about advancing your career, doing what makes you feel good, look your best today, and so on and so forth. The problem with that attitude is that if you are worried about just making yourself happy, most likely you are missing the needs of those most important people around you. Now, don't get me wrong - I am not saying people should stay in abusive relationships or completely deny themselves. Let's not get crazy. That's not at all what I am saying, but what I am saying is that in general, marriage requires self-sacrifice. In order to really make a marriage work, you have to be willing to hold the other person in higher regard than yourself. When you do this, it usually causes a domino effect, and your needs will end up being met as well (it's a win, win!). So, the next time you really wished your husband or wife would just do this, or do that...ask yourself, what have you done for them recently? How have you considered their needs? Having an other-oriented attitude is essential to having a quality marriage.

Another important attitude to have to build a solid foundation in marriage is one of prioritizing. I know, I know, there just aren't enough hours in the day for everything. We all know that one :) The truth is, there are only 24 hours in a day, and that's never going to change (at least I don't think so...haha). So, what we are all stuck with is sitting ourselves down and figuring out what needs our time the most. Sometimes we think it's our jobs, our hobbies, our money, etc. The truth is, those things are always going to be pulling at us, begging us to spend our time and energy on them, but they aren't what really matters or is important. What's important is our marriage and our family. Now, of course, working is essential, but a lot of times we spend more time there than we should. No one ever says on their death bed that they should have worked harder or more. People always wish they had spent more time with their loved ones. It's funny, when 2 people start dating, they drop anything and everything to spend time together. They cannot get enough of each other and will do whatever it takes to be with one another. Yet, somehow when we get married, we suddenly don't make that time or effort anymore, and slowly we forget how much we enjoy one another. Think about your job: if you never spent time with your clients, boss, doing work, etc., nothing would be produced. Marriage and family are no different - there will be no product if you haven't been sowing and harvesting your time and attention. So, sit yourself down, and plan out your priorities. What has to stay? What can go? Setting up clear boundaries with yourself can make it a lot easier to say, "No!" to something that tries to steal precious moments from your marriage and family. There is no better day than today to re-prioritize because there will always be something tugging at you, and there is never a "better" time. You will never regret spending time with your loved ones - it's one of the greatest investments you can make.

The final attitude I want to address is an attitude of understanding. Understanding about the basic, biological differences between men and women. Understanding about expectations - your own, and your spouses. First of all, men and women are just so different on so many levels. God created us so uniquely different (shocking, I know). We are so different in fact, that I am going to save that discussion for another time. The bottom line though is that our needs, emotions, reactions, processes, bodies, brains, and so much more are different. Knowing that can really help each of us to be more patient with our spouse of the opposite gender. A little example is that a women might think her husband is ignoring her when she is talking to him while he is working on something, but in reality men's brains are wired where they literally have an extremely difficult time multi-tasking. So, his brain most likely will not have the capacity to work on what he is working on and listen to you. The biggest thing I want to touch on though in the differences world is our basic needs. Men have the basic need to feel respected and have their sexual needs met. Women have the basic need of their emotional love banks filled (listened to, communicating with, feeling loved, etc.). I think knowing these differences helps automatically create this ability to give your spouse grace and understanding. They married you because they love you, and I believe that giving them the benefit of the doubt is crucial. Also, we need to have an attitude of understanding toward expectations. We all come into marriage with them, and some of them are realistic while others are unrealistic. That is a topic I will go into further later, but understanding each others expectations for the marriage is a great conversation piece and great thing to develop so you can understand where that person might be coming from. Really just having an attitude of understanding gives you the ability to extend grace the way you would want it to be extended to you. We are different in so many ways, which is what makes things difficult sometimes, but it's also what makes marriage so special. Even though men and women are so different, they are also so uniquely complimentary.

In closing, having a good attitude, adopting an attitude of prioritizing, and an attitude of understanding are three veery important concepts to take into and apply to the foundation for marriage. Try them out today! Let me know what you think :) Have a blessed day!

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Foundation of Marriage

Good Monday morning to everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is ready for another week.

This week, I thought I would do a "series" called "Foundation of Marriage." The purpose is to cover some basic concepts to build your marriage upon. A marriage is a lot like a house, it needs a firm, solid foundation to then build a stable house that will weather the storms, time, and trials of life. Don't let anyone fool you - marriage is going to have it's trials, problems, difficulties, and hard times no matter how perfect of a match you and your spouse are. Giving yourself a firm foundation helps you to weather those experiences. My actual house burned down when I was 10 years old. It was devastating and so difficult, but you know what I think was so interesting? Even though the house was completely burned to the ground, the foundation remained. Marriage can be very similar - it may get burned to the ground, but that foundation will be there for you to rebuild upon.

So, what are these concepts then? There are 3 of them:

1. Attitude
2. No Escape Clause
3. Fighting Fair

So join me this week for a discussion on "Foundation of Marriage!"

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Happy Weekend!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to wish you a happy weekend! I hope everyone enjoys themselves and gets to relax and laugh a little bit. I am going to be out of town this weekend, so I will not be making any entries, but next week I will start a "series" on the "Foundation of Marriage". Look forward to joining you all next week :)

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Love Tip

Call your spouse or significant other today just to tell them you were thinking of them, love them, and appreciate them! Then tell them one thing you really appreciate or love about them. Feel free to ask them if there is anything you can do for them today, and then wish them a happy day. Don't forget the "I love you!"

This is sure to be a nice treat for them and welcomed ever so graciously! If you never do this, be prepared for a stunned response. If you frequently do this, well then you know the drill. It's all about just doing something sweet and thoughtful, no strings attached for the one you love. So even if you don't get the response you might be hoping for, just chalk it up as taking one for the team. Remember, this is about them, not you :) You are making a deposit in their love tank! Making deposits frequently like this can make a radical difference in your marriage and relationship over time (this is where "patience is a virtue" comes in sometimes). If you are struggling with this, think about how much you love when your spouse does something sweet and thoughtful for you and how great it makes you feel (even if you have to remember back quite awhile...do it!), and allow that to help motivate you to do that for them.

Let me know how it goes! :)

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Today's Climate

First of all, I just want to thank everyone who has been checking out the page, commenting, encouraging, and just supporting this effort! I am so appreciative and excited for the future! Thank you!!

Alright, so let's get this started :) I found it fitting to start with where marriages are at currently. How do people view them? How does society in general view them? Etc., etc. My hope is to give you my personal view as well as statistics and information about where marriage is really at these days.

On a personal note, it's been pretty sad to see the condition of marriages in today's world. Most of us have heard the staggering statistic that only 1 out of every 2 marriages in America will survive (more stats to come). Meanwhile, as I sit down with my hubs to watch a movie or some primetime TV, to peruse a magazine, take a drive, or even just sit at a cafe, I see and hear a very negative view of marriage. Pornography (varying in degree) is plastered all over our TV shows, billboards, magazines, and media. It's so frustrating to not be able to sit down and watch a movie with my hubs without seeing a little more skin than I wanted to of an actress or two. Movies, media, and shows paint the single and/or promiscuous life as the glamorous, fun, and frivolous life free from the chains, pains, and sufferings of the married life. Marriages are given a negative connotation with messages like - celebrate your last night of freedom before getting hitched, you are about to get a ball-and-chain, good-bye to the fun life. On an even more personal note, before Steve and I got married, we received an alarming amount of comments about how tough and generally negative marriage is. Don't get me wrong, marriage is work (a subject that will be explored later), but marriage is awesome when done "right"! And I have been single before - let's be honest, weekends alone, those awkward first dates, trying to learn someone and be learned from scratch, worrying if he/she likes you or not, playing games - it's not all fun and games for single people either. And the promiscuous life, well that's not all it's cracked up to be either. The risk of pregnancy, STDs, broken hearts, and having to account for all of that when you finally do find the one you want to be with doesn't sound so glamorous or fun to me. Those parts are always left out of the shows though...hmmm. Now I just want to pause to say, I am not trying to make anyone feel badly! I am just being real here and trying to give a different perspective from the day-to-day messages we receive.

Alright, let's get down to some cold, hard facts :) I mean don't get me wrong, I am a women of faith, but I love me some good, solid facts! These are things related to things I mentioned above and just marriage in general.

• Divorce Rates: 50% of 1st marriages will end in divorce (a lot of us have heard that one)

67% of 2nd marriages will end in divorce
74% of 3rd marriages will end in divorce

• By year #7 in a marriage, over 50% of marriages end
• During the period of time when children are in their adolescent years, marriage satisfaction is reported at its lowest.
• 69% of marital fights are perpetual and are never resolved
• Marital dissolution can lead to severe mental and physical complications for both spouses including: increased risk of psychopathology (fancy word for mental illness); increased rates of automobile accidents, including fatalities; increased incidence of physical illness, suicide, violence, and homicide; decreased longevity; significant immunosuppression; and increased mortality from diseases ("The Marriage Clinic" by Gottman)
• Research suggests a wide range of benefits for those who marry, including better health, greater wealth and more happiness for the couple, and improved well-being for children.
  

• Cohabiting couples have a rate of separation that is five times that of married couples, and, in the event of separation, cohabitors have a rate of reconciliation that is only 33 percent as high as that of married couples (Binstock 2003)
• The Center for Health Statistics reports that there is a drastic increase of pregnancies in the U.S. by umarried women - from 18% in 1980 to a current 40%
• As of 2003, there were 1.3 million pornographic websites; 260 million pages (N2H2, 2003)
• The total porn industry revenue for 2006: $13.3 billion in the United States; $97 billion worldwide
• 47 % of families said pornography is a problem in their home (Focus on the Family Poll, October 1, 2003)
• The average age of marriage for women is 26 and for men is 28
• A growing percentage of Americans aren't marrying at all: Provisional statistics released February 2009 report 7.1 marriages per 1,000 people in 2008, down from 10 per 1,000 in 1986.

Well, these are just some general statistics I thought everyone might be curious about or enjoy reading and pondering over. There is no doubt that marriage is on a decline, and there really is not a ton of support for healthy, monogamous marriages out there. There is a constant prodding that the "grass is greener on the other side" but when people who have tested out those greener pastures are questioned, they most commonly admit they aren't at all! Marriage has a lot of statistical benefits to both spouses as well as the children involved, but there are just a lot of benefits across the board. A friend, companion, partner in crime, co-pilot, someone who knows you better than anyone else...the list could go on for a very long time.

The bottom line of today's entry is that society today isn't out there promoting marriage, and there are actually a lot of things out there raring their ugly heads to destroy marriage. Knowing that gives us a platform to rise above those things. Know your enemy, and then fight him!

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The launch!

Hey everyone!

Welcome to the beginning of what I feel is going to be a very good thing. I am so excited about starting this blog. About 4 months ago, I had this vision and idea to begin a website where I could utilize my passion...helping marriages! My hubs, Steve and I were talking it over, and he came up with the name "Little Wifey", which I fell in love with instantly. So, I got to work trying to pull together a virtual spot for people to chat about their lives, particularly their marriage, get some helpful tips and information to help them, and find some resources that might be helpful...all with the goal and hope of promoting healthy, successful, happy, and fun marriages.

Well, it turns out web design was a bit more challenging than I had hoped. After spending the last 3 months trying to figure out Dreamweaver, I decided I was in over my head. I really just wanted to get going with this project but seemed to have hit a brick wall. So, I have decided to start simple - create a blog. Here I am :) I am still working behind the scenes on putting together a complete website though where I can have all the information, resources, etc. that I ultimately wanted to have, but that might take me a little while.

I want to kick off this blog by saying that marriage is a gift from God (yes, I am a Jesus follower for those who don't know it, so be prepared for that point of view)! It really is so special and provides us with such a unique opportunity to share life with in ways we can't really share with just anyone. It's challenging at times, very challenging at other times, but I believe it's ALWAYS worth it. It's really difficult because of the general negative view of marriage these days, the more stressful and demanding lives we generally lead, and just the constant opportunity to put so much else above our marriages. That will be a whole discussion at some point, but for now I just want you all to know as my readers, that I truly believe with every fiber of my being, that marriage, when done "right", is the greatest gift we have on Earth.

So, if you will open your hearts, minds, and mouths (well hands really, since it's typing...haha), I think we can be the 1 out of every 2 marriages that makes it...and sets a new standard for marriage! Thank you so much for joining me...I really look forward to all the days ahead!

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