Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair

Alright, the next discussion point under "Foundation of Marriage" is "Fighting Fair." Let's be honest, we all fight with our significant others. It is just part of the package. The thing is, fighting isn't necessarily such a terrible thing. In fact, my motto is that intimacy is forged in fighting. Fighting can be a healthy way to air out the kinks in a marriage (or relationship) and grow closer together in the process. It's how you fight that makes it a bad thing sometimes.

First of all, there is a major misconception that fighting is this big no-no that should never happen, and if you really are happily married or matched up, there will never be any fights. We all just skip off into a field of daisies happy and fighting-free forever. (Insert your own noise for "wrong!") This is false! Everybody should and will fight no matter how perfect of a pair you are. Fighting is normal! As I mentioned above, intimacy is forged in fighting. Look at it as an opportunity to get to work through issues together, and when you respect each other through it, you naturally become closer with one another on the other side of things. Not to mention, you get to air out your concerns so you aren't a ticking time bomb.

My main point of emphasis with fighting is the concept of resolution versus winning! I am a firm believer that if you go into any argument with the mentality that you are trying to resolve an issue, you will be able to maintain respect for your spouse (or family member, significant other, etc. - this applies to all relationships), stay calmer, and view it as a team effort rather than a personal attack. If you go into any fight thinking it's about winning, you will do whatever it takes to win. You stop listening, stop caring, and the killer instinct takes over, wreaking havoc on its way. Rather than resolving the issue you went in with, you will leave with a whole world of pain and damage. The point of arguing really is to try to air your feelings and come up with some sort of resolution so that you don't just have hurt after hurt after hurt. We all hate that feeling after an argument where we just ripped each other to shreds and can't take back any of it. So don't even head down that path! Learning this approach of resolution is what I believe (and have found in my own personal life) to be the key of a successful relationship. The sooner you can learn this and apply it, the better!

I have some information and tips on how to fight, so to speak. One piece of advice I would give you is to work through issues when they arise rather than waiting until they build. When you handle them immediately, you are more likely to handle them in a rational, calm manner (there are exceptions to this of course - like when you are immediately ready to hurt someone :)). When you let things build over time, usually you become more emotional, less rational, and more volatile. This almost always leads to a much more intense argument than necessary. This is where the metaphor of a soda bottle being shaken over time and then exploding comes in. When your heart rate exceeds 100 beats, you lose the ability to rationally problem solve, so trying to stay calm is really important in order to have a rational, productive discussion. Also, pick your battles. I think we all could agree that some things you just need to deal with on your own and move on. Another big thing about arguing is to maintain respect for one another. When you just go off on how you are feeling, a lot of times you create more damage than there was going into the argument. Remember that you love this person and aren't trying to hurt them; you are trying to problem solve as a team. Although you may disagree with their point of view, respecting them helps keep things in perspective and from escalating out of control. If you feel yourself starting to get angry and out of control, learn to self-sooth. Take a deep breath or a short time out to calm down and rationally think about the situation. Knowing your limits and when you are about to breach them is important in maintaining a respectful discussion versus an angry hurling of insults and hurts. Another thing I find super important is reminding yourself and your spouse before you even start discussing something that you love one another and want each other to be happy. If you didn't, you wouldn't have gotten married or even be taking the time to discuss an issue. A lot of times before I even bring up an issue, I start by telling my hubby (Steve), "I just want you to know that I love and adore you more than anything. You are incredible, and I know that we both just want to make this marriage the best we can. I am incredibly happy in this marriage, and you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. So please keep that in mind as we discuss this." I find it just helps things to start off on the right foot because it is so easy to get offended and think that your significant other is trying to hurt you. You can never encourage or affirm someone you love too often. So, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, that they aren't trying to hurt you, but in fact, trying to help you and the marriage. It helps when you start to get really angry (trust me)! In an argument, it is important also to make sure your spouse knows that they can be honest about how they feel. You want to get to the heart of the problem, and the only way to do that is for both of you to be able to have the ability to be honest with each other. This is why it is important to maintain that respect for each other. You should express your honesty in a respectful and considerate manner (ex: "Honey, I don't want to hurt you at all, but I just want you to know that I really have a difficult time when you make fun of me in front of our friends."). This is also where knowing your spouse loves you and giving him/her the benefit of the doubt is helpful. If you can't be honest with each other though, even if it hurts a bit, you won't truly resolve anything. Make sure you are really listening to the other person's side and feelings. Sometimes we are focusing on our own rebuttal and missing what they are saying. Really listen to them, and ask for clarification if you need. Also, acknowledge and affirm their feelings, where they are coming from, and what they are saying. Then proceed with your "side." If you are finding you just can't sort things out, can't resolve issues, etc., please, PLEASE get professional help from a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or pastor! I know people think it has a negative connotation to it, maybe think it's too expensive, etc., but it is so worth it! If you had cancer, you wouldn't say it will just work out - you would go see a specialist and do some drastic treatment to try to save your life. Marriage needs the same kind of attention, so please don't be ashamed to get help! (If you need help finding someone, please feel free to contact me at ashley@littlewifey.com) These are what I feel are the most important things to keep in mind when arguing or discussing something.

Fighting isn't a very fun process 99.9% of the time, but it is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. How you choose to handle it is what is so important. The biggest thing I can emphasize is taking on the mentality of resolution versus winning in any fight, whether it be with a spouse, significant other, friend, family member, etc. Creating more hurt and pain is the last thing you need or want if you are honest with yourself. Fight with love - issues need to be addressed, but maintain the love and respect your spouse deserves. Apply the tips and information I included above as well, and you should find yourself having much healthier and less volatile fights. It may take time, and you may slip up and get a little rough from time to time...you are human, and we all do it. Give yourself and your loved one some grace. Don't be afraid to apologize - it's never too late for that. Remember it is all about having the best marriage possible!