Communication is Key: What & How to Communicate

Communication is essential to any relationship. Without communication, things just kind of fall apart, stop working, and wither away. With destructive communication, there is a lot of pain, hurt, and death. Constructive communication is absolutely essential, which is why I want to talk about what to communicate and how to communicate.

There's no real set equation for perfect communication. It's a process that we always have to work on and can always improve upon. Trust me, it's something I work on daily and know I still have a long way to go. One thing I do know though is what to keep in mind every single time I communicate with my husband, family, friends, and acquaintances: building them up. Every time we communicate, we should be asking ourselves if we are building someone up or tearing them down. Now that doesn't mean you never have tough discussions or say anything that might hurt someones feelings, but it does mean that you are very attentive and cautious with how you are saying things. We can't just say things like, "You are the worst husband ever. You never do what I ask you to do, and I am sick and tired of it." As much as that might be something we would like to say because we are upset, a more constructive comment should be said. Maybe something like, "Honey, you are smart and a wonderful husband. I appreciate all you do, but it's very frustrating that I have had to keep asking you to do this for us. Please, is there any way you can make that a priority?" Affirming, encouraging, and building should be the goals of our communication. Build the other person up and build our relationship up.

There are a few other things to keep in mind on how to communicate with people. Try to stay calm. I know, it's tough sometimes not to get emotional and then just let someone have it. Sometimes this happens, but trying to avoid it as much as possible will be doing you and your relationship a huge favor. Try to identify when you are about to get "over-the-top" emotional, and try to take a deep breathe and maybe even a time out to calm down and think through what you are really wanting and trying to say. Along the same lines as the above paragraph, be constructive. Communication is about building your relationship, being productive, resolving issues, and generally building someone and something up. Tearing someone down is counter-productive and really just creates an even bigger mess for everyone involved. Finally, LISTEN! We forget that there is another side to communicating, and that's listening to what the other person has to say. There are 2 sides to every story, and as much as you have strong feelings on a subject, so do they. Listen intently and with sensitivity to what your spouse or the other person is saying. Not only does it communicate that you care about their feelings, but usually is clues you in to where things are going awry. Stay calm, be constructive, and listen!

Finally, what should you be communicating? Well, communicating is a means to connect and build our relationships. Talk about life, interests, feelings, experiences. Be discretionary with what all you disclose to whom, but talk about who you are and find out who they are. Express feelings and concerns to try to work toward resolves. Share hopes, dreams, goals, and aspirations. Talk about your roles and expectations. Reminisce. There are so many things you can talk about, but the goal is to build, build, build! Choose your words wisely. Always be considerate and a good rule to remember about what you are saying is, "How would I feel if he/she said this to me?"