Benefits of Marriage: Intimately Known

Okay, let's be honest, we all want someone to know us at our deepest levels. No, not just the happy, pretty/handsome face we show to the world, but the REAL us. We crave that, and marriage is the one place we can really explore and acquire that intimate relationship.

The last benefit of marriage I want to touch on is the intimacy developed in marriage. Marriage provides an avenue for intimacy that no other relationship provides. It does so because of the vows we take to love and cherish our spouse no matter what comes our way (sickness, financial struggles, kids...you name it). Those vows create a safe space for us to make ourselves vulnerable to our spouse in ways we don't typically do in other relationships. Friends come and go, betray us, and fall out of touch. Family is part of who we are and where we came from but still doesn't reach the same places a marriage can. Marriage is different because it is supposed to be for life, which opens up the door to a whole world of intimacy - being known at our deepest levels and loved for every ounce of who we are.

When you know someone is going to love you and stick by you no matter what, you can't help but begin to open up, become vulnerable, and share the deepest parts of who you are. Not only does your spouse get to know who you are as a person on the surface, they get to know how you think, your deepest fears, your scars, your hopes, your dreams, and they also know you sexually as well. What a combination! It's a combination that is often imitated but never repeated in other forms of relationships. No other relationship can provide all of the elements that make marriage such an intimate relationship which allows us to know one another in a way no one else does or can. That bond and intimacy only grows as we stick by our spouse day after day, year after year sharing, caring, and joining.

Being known in every way is such an overwhelming feeling that envelops us with love and pushes us closer to our spouse. It's a "vicious cycle," but in a very good way. Intimacy cultivated in a marriage is one of the best parts of marriage. I like to think of it as the cherry on top :)

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Benefits of Marriage: The Spiritual Side

The Bible tells us that there are a lot of benefits to marriage. We already learned about a whole slew of benefits of marriage found by researchers yesterday, but what does the Bible have to say about marriages? God created marriage because He saw that "it is not good for man to be alone" (Bible, Genesis 2:18).

Marriage really is a God thing. He created marriage because He knew that man and woman needed one another. As I mentioned in "Benefits of Marriage: Friend for Life," we are relational human beings who desire to be known. God knew that about us when He created us (He created us that way), and so he established the idea of marriage for our benefit. The wonderful thing about that is He wants to help our marriages, if we are willing to make Him apart of them. Seek Him, pray to Him, place your marriage, self, & spouse before Him daily, invite Him into your marriage. Not only do we have a companion to go through life with in our spouse, but we also enjoy some pretty cool benefits that come straight from the creator of marriage.

In Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, the Bible tells us one of the key benefits of marriage: "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him." Wow. I don't know about you, but this is pretty profound to me. It's a pretty amazing concept that God has given us a companion so that when we fall in life, the other is there to help pick us up. I'm not sure about you, but I have fallen many times in my life and know that I probably will continue to do so. That's one of the wonderful things I have experienced in my marriage; when I "fall" Steve is right there to help pick me up and visa versa. Not only does it help me/him to recover more quickly, but we bond in that situation as well. It's kind of simple but so true...two are better than one.

In Matthew 18:20, the Bible gives us another big clue as to the benefit of marriage. "For where two or more are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." The cool thing about this verse is that it lets us know that because we have our spouse, we have a prayer partner that helps us to have a direct connection with God. If we get together with our spouse to pray for something, God's going to be right there in our midst. He cares about us, and as a married couple, we are blessed with an automatic ability to have God meet with us. Not sure about you, but I think this is a pretty powerful resource to have available for anyone who gathers before His name.

One of my favorite parts about marriage has been the glimpse of God's love for me. What do I mean? Well, there are times I know that I do not deserve an ounce of Steve's love. I don't deserve for him to cherish and adore me, but he does regardless. He loves me when I am completely unlovable, and in those moments, I feel the brush of God's fingertip on my life. It's a glimpse of how much more my heavenly Father must love me even though I am broken, ugly, and flat out unlovable at times. Marriage is this amazing opportunity to display the love we have for our spouse, but it's also a way to show our spouse the incredible love that God has for us in spite of all our ugliness, which is just an overwhelmingly amazing experience to have.

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Benefits of Marriage: It's Not All in Your Head

Something that really amazed me when I learned about it was that there are a lot of physical and mental benefits of marriage. Literally marriage makes us well. This was shocking to me in a lot of ways because a lot of what you hear is how "marriage is a constant headache," "marriage is a pain in the neck," and other things like that. People have such a negative view of marriage, but the truth is that marriage is literally beneficial to our minds and bodies.

There have been a lot of studies done, and all the research comes back saying the same thing...marriage is good for us in a lot of ways. These studies go on to specify that these benefits are found only in marriages and not couples who merely cohabitate. How exactly is marriage so beneficial to us? Check out the list below (these are 1st marriages compared to singles, cohabitating couples, or divorced people):

• Married couples have lower blood pressure
• Financially married couples are better off and have a higher standard of living.
• Married people smoke less.
• Married people have lower levels of stress.
• Marriage decreases the likelihood of mental illnesses, specifically depression & substance abuse. (Depression is 3 times greater in women who divorce & substance abuse is 2 times more likely in men who divorce)
• Married people display higher levels of happiness.
• Higher life expectancy
• More likely to overcome illnesses, especially life threatening ones
• Married people are less likely to engage in "risky behaviors" and more likely to engage in healthy ones.
• More frequent sex and better quality of sex
• Better overall health
• Higher satisfaction levels with spiritual & religious life.

Another thing to note are the benefits of a married couple on their children. Check out all of those benefits (again, these are in reference to 1st marriages compared to singles, cohabitating couples, or divorce people):

• Children are less likely to experience a premarital birth or conception in future relationships
• Higher education levels & better academic outcomes
• Less likely to experience emotional & behavioral problems
• Less likely to use drugs
• Less child/parent conflicts
• Children are more likely to have financial stability (60% of people under the poverty guidelines are divorced women and children)
• Better physical and emotional health
• Less occurrences of child abuse
• Lower infant mortality rates

As you can see, marriage has a lot of physical, financial, and emotional benefits to both spouses as well as the children involved. Study after study has been done to research these findings, and consistently they show numerous and astounding benefits to individuals who choose to marry and stay married. It's not in your head, marriage equals happier and healthier lives.

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Benefits of Marriage: Friend for Life

One of the most practical and wonderful ways that marriage is a benefit to us is that we have a friend for life. No matter where your marriage is at the moment, you have got to admit that you found your spouse to be enjoyable company at one point and time. Most of the time we marry someone that we really are friends with at first and through the dating process, we decide they are thee friend that we can't live without.

Friendship is something that is important to all human beings. We were created to be in relationship with others. We crave being known at our deepest levels. We crave having someone care about us unconditionally and when we are completely undeserving. We dream of being looked at by the same person day in and day out for 20, 30, 40, 50+ years and still seeing admiration and desire in their eyes that communicates we are still the most attractive person in the world to them. We desire to have someone to share our hopes, dreams, and goals with. We hope for someone to go through life with hand-in-hand laughing, making memories, having fun, and experiencing the joys of living with. I can't help but think of the quote:

"This day I will marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love” ~Author Unknown

Marriage provides all of those things and then some when we are willing to commit to it and be that for our spouse (not just expect that from them without being that for them). One of the greatest joys I have experienced in my own journey of marriage is the friendship that has developed between my husband and I. It is this friendship times a gazillion where we are each others best friend and thoroughly enjoy the company of one another. It's this amazing anchor in our marriage that at the end of the day, we flat out really enjoy one another. He's my "partner in crime," and there's no one else I'd rather do anything with. Now I have to put it in here, I am not saying that you should isolate yourselves from the world and have no other friends. What I am saying though is that we are created for relationships, and a lot of times we work really hard at developing our friendships outside of the marriage. Then there is our marriage, and we forget that the foundation of a good marriage is developing and maintaining that friendship with your spouse. If you keep that friendship strong and growing, you will enjoy your spouse and find it much easier to work through things together. Never mind the fun of being married to your best friend!

I want to leave you with a few cool quotes about friendship that I think remind us why cultivating the friendship in a marriage is so important:

• "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." ~Walter Winchell
• "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief." ~Swedish proverb
• "Friends are needed both for joy and for sorrow." ~Samuel Paterson
• "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." ~The Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

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Benefits of Marriage: Introduction

After last week's topic of "The Last Straw," I found it fitting to do a series this week on "The Benefits of Marriage." Marriage has a lot to offer us both tangibly and intangibly, and I wanted to make sure people were aware. I find it encouraging to know that marriage has so many benefits in so many areas, and my hope is that you too will find it encouraging. Perhaps it will add a little ammo in your back pocket for those tougher days where you are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or discouraged.

Check out this week's itinerary:

• Friend for Life
• It's Not All in Your Head
• The Spiritual Side
• Intimately Known

Stay tuned this week!

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The Last Straw: Love Tip

My hope is that this series "The Last Straw" has spoken to you and encouraged you to fight for your marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I really believe you will be at the end of it all looking back. While the road ahead of you may not be the easiest and it will most likely entail some time, patience and pain, keep moving forward together. I wanted to end the series with a few love tips that might help you on your journey to healing.

Get back to the basics! One of the first things to do, and one of the best things you can do it to set aside time this weekend to sit down with your spouse and spend quality time together getting on the same page. Start out the conversation with saying that you cherish your spouse and your marriage and just want to try and figure out where to go from here. Try to lovingly and sincerely discuss where some of the problem areas are in the marriage, leaving space for your spouse to express with honesty where he/she is at. Try to respectfully state where you are at and how you are feeling and then allow your spouse the same opportunity. Try to get on the same page with committing to making your marriage better, and come up with a game plan on how to do that. Maybe you start with seeking out professional help - sit down and get some names together and start calling together to set up an appointment. Maybe it's to start spending quality time together once a week where you try to enjoy one another's company and still work through some things. You know what your situation is, so try to take this as an opportunity to work on a problem together. Your spouse isn't the problem. You aren't the problem. There is a problem though that's causing difficultly in the marriage - identify that problem and work together to try to solve it.

I understand this may sound oversimplified or just too awkward to think about doing, but I really think that if you just take that step of faith, it will be worth your while. Remember though to not approach it as a potential fight but rather as a moment of sincerity and desperation to make your marriage better. If you have that sincerity and love in your heart, then that's what you will be communicating verbally and non-verbally rather than hostility. If things get a little heated, try to bring it back to, "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I want to fight for you and our marriage. Please, can't we do our best to figure out what the problems are and how we can go about trying to solve them?" Love and respect...they will take you so far in situations like these. Remember, your spouse isn't the problem, there is just a breakdown somewhere that needs adjustments. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It may seem daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, but trust me, it's the easier and way better path than divorce.

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The Last Straw: A Note to Family & Friends

Steve and I were in a wedding this past weekend. He was the best man, and I was a matron of honor. It reminded me of the importance of family and friends in a marriage. Steve and I were discussing how "best man" and "matron of honor" aren't just titles but rather responsibilities and accountability to the couple and to God to help this marriage. As I stood on the stage beside the bride, I looked out at the faces joining us that day, and my prayer was that each person would come around this couple to keep them accountable to one another and their vows. Family and friends play an important role in the success of marriages.

Something I have placed great emphasis on in previous articles is the role of family and friends. My main point is always that no one should ever come between but should always come around a couple. You want and need to be surrounded by people that will encourage you as a couple and always promote your marriage. Anyone who is destructive to your marriage or a negative influence to its growth should not be given access to influencing you. Protect your marriage by making sure that the people around you are always keeping you accountable, promoting your marriage, and encouraging your marriage (for more info, check out my previous article titled "Common Challenges: Family & Friends").

Right now, I want to specifically address if you are dealing with a situation where someone you care about is facing divorce. What should you do? What shouldn't you do? My goal is to give you some direction. The first thing to remember is that your "job" is to always promote the growth and health of your loved one's marriage. Try not to ever come between a couple but rather come around them. Remind them that all couples go through challenging times, and in fact, they too have gone through challenging times before. They have made it through it before, and you believe they can make it through this as well coming out stronger on the other side. Reflect upon their strengths - "You guys are such a great pair." "You are a strong couple." "If anyone can make it, it's you two." Reflect upon their commitments - "This is not an easy situation, but remember that the kids really need you guys to pull through this and show them a wonderful example of what married life is like." "I remember standing there on your wedding day hearing you say your vows to one another, and guess what? This is that 'for better or worse' part. Hang in there!" Encourage, encourage, encourage! It's a delicate balance, but coupling commitment, responsibility, and accountability with encouragement is really important. Also, depending on how severe the situation is, encouraging them to get professional help and even offering some suggestions of places to go is always a great idea. Finally, pray for them! Prayer is powerful, and this couple could really use all the prayer they can get. Remember, your role is to come alongside this couple to encourage their marriage.

On the flip side, there are some things I would really recommend avoiding if you are the family or friend of a couple on the verge of divorce or really struggling. Don't come between them! You definitely want to provide them with an outlet, but don't allow them to become emotionally dependent on you. Lend a listening ear, and then encourage them to speak with their spouse about their situation and how they are feeling. Don't be "the straw that breaks the camels back." In other words, if someone comes to you and thinks they just can't stay in their marriage a moment longer, don't push them in that direction. Of course if they are in harms way, then don't push them to stay, but otherwise, promote the marriage. You don't want to be the one saying, "Just leave him/her." That is dangerous territory, and I would encourage you to try your best to give them as many other options as possible to salvage their marriage because it really is one of the best things they can do. Remember, divorce is a long, painful, and complicated process that wreaks havoc, chaos, pain, and destruction on its victims.

As family and friends, you have a unique opportunity to speak into this person's life. Use that opportunity wisely to encourage and promote the success of their marriage. Pray for them. Help them to move toward not away from their spouse. Provide them with resources. Come alongside the couple, not between them, and I guarantee that both you and this couple will be ever so thankful.

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The Last Straw: Road to Healing

What if you marriage is struggling, but you don't want to get a divorce? You want to make it better. You want to make it work. Now what? Well, the first thing to know is that getting your marriage back on it's feet and better than ever is a process that can take awhile. Patience is essential and tenacity is a must.

My first suggestion to any couple that has been feeling like divorce is an option or that their marriage is on its death bed is to go get professional help! It's the greatest investment and move you can make. A lot of people have a negative view of professional mental health services, but the truth is that there isn't a thing wrong with it. Think about it...if you found out you have cancer, you wouldn't just sit back and hope you didn't die. You would go to a doctor and start the long, painful process to healing. You would fight for your life. Getting help from a therapist, counselor, or psychologist is simply a way to fight for the life of your marriage when it's being attacked by a life-threatening "disease." A lot of people even go to therapists for a check-up just to make sure everything is on track. Professionals can help you identify the specific break downs, give you tools for success, and make the already challenging process a lot easier, quicker, and typically more successful than if you just try to struggle through and figure things out on your own. Professional help is one of the best resources and options for a couple/marriage that is struggling.

Another option is to get some books on marriage. There are a lot of books out there with some great and helpful information that can not only help your marriage but help you as an individual. Books can sometimes just help to open up your eyes to what might be going on in your marriage and give you some ideas on how to make your marriage better. They help give you more knowledge on the subject. Often times when we need to do something or want to know more about a subject, we read about it in a book or look up an article online. The same is true for marriage; if you want to know more, learn more, and become more knowledgeable on marriage, read up on it. I will have a list of books I recommend coming soon.

One of the best steps you can take in your marriage is to literally profess to yourself and your spouse out loud that you are going to fight for your marriage. Take the time to sit down with your spouse and discuss where things are at, what you each are feeling, and make a commitment right then and there together to do what it takes to turn things around. If your spouse wants nothing to do with this process, well then make that commitment to yourself to do what you can to make a change...go get individual therapy to help you through the process, grab some books yourself, make some changes in your behavior. Change is contagious and requires movement. It may sound oversimplified, but you would be shocked what just making up your mind to do something can do to your marriage. Make up your mind today to make your marriage not only work but be the best it can be.

It's tough to really give specific advice for each of my readers because I don't know each situation. That is why my first suggestion is to get professional help from someone who can tailor their advice specifically to the needs of you and your marriage. These are general concepts though that can really help get you moving in the right direction. If you need more specific help or ideas (finding a professional near you, book suggestions, tips, etc.), feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com.

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The Last Straw: Let's Stay Together

Yesterday I talked about the reality of divorce; that it isn't a clean slate but rather a whole new set of problems. In Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor says it well about divorce, "it doesn't eliminate the relational dysfunction evidenced in the marriage. Marriage problems are relationship problems, they are the result of how two people interact with each other. You may abandon a troubled marriage, but you will still bring the way you interact with others along with you." That being said, I want to take a moment to highlight some points about sticking it out with the one you are with.

Things may seem overwhelming and unbearable right now, but I would ask that you would pause for a second and think about the following things. You chose this person, and they chose you out of the 6.791 billion people in the world. Think about that...that's a pretty big deal and saying a heck of a lot about what you think about each other. Also, I would ask you to stop and think about all the time, energy, love, memories, and overall investments you have been putting into this marriage to date. Do you really want to throw that all away and try to start over with someone who doesn't know you at all? Someone you have to start all over with from scratch? There was a point in time where your relationship with your spouse was good and happy, or you wouldn't have chosen them and/or wanted to be with them for the rest of your life. Where did you lose that? Why did you lose that? How do you get back to a place where you love and respect one another? Where you cherish your marriage? Those are the types of questions to be asking yourself when considering divorce. You have a deep history with this person - a combined life, possibly children (which are a visible product of your oneness and unity), shared memories, shared assets. Divorce doesn't rid you of that history. It doesn't let you start from scratch. Divorce is a devastating and painful process that leaves you broken in a lot of ways. Are you really better off for taking that option?

Think about the reality of divorce - the pain, the expense, the awkwardness, the effect on your children, family and friends, the mental & physical toll on you and your spouse, the reality that these relational issues may certainly follow you into the next relationship. Think about your marriage - you chose this person out of all the other options in the world, you vowed your life and faithfulness to this person, you have a history with this person, you love this person (even if you don't feel it at the moment). Honestly, I have heard it time and time again, it is better to work it out with the one you are with than to choose the painful path of divorce.

People think that unhappy marriages leave them with two options - #1) Get a divorce and be happy, or #2) Stay in the marriage and be miserable for the rest of their lives. Those aren't the only two options. Linda Waite, with the University of Chicago and a team of leading family scholars found that "two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later." This is encouraging news people! There is hope for your marriage, but you have to stick it out, fight for it, do your part to reap the rewards. Keep in mind that all those negatives that I mentioned yesterday as resulting from divorce, the opposite is true for marriages - your finances are better off, your mental and physical health are increased, your kids have a healthier and better life, spiritually you are stronger and united, your friends and family stay united and aren't hurt...the list goes on.

My biggest point in all of this isn't to hurt anyone or make anyone feel condemned. My goal is to get you to examine the reality of divorce versus the benefits of staying married. We often get disillusioned about "the other side" and think the grass is greener. The reality is that it isn't, and you need to be aware of and prepared for that reality so that you can make the best and right decision for you and your family.

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The Last Straw: A Look at Divorce

So you don't think you can take it anymore? There's no way to make it work? You just don't love each other anymore? You can't stay in this marriage a moment longer? Divorce is the only answer, right? Well, what exactly does that option look like and what does it entail? Is the divorced life really better than trying to make it with your spouse? Let's examine these questions.

A lot of people believe that marriages are happy, just because they are. They think marital bliss is just part of the package, and when it isn't, they want out. Mark Gungor says it well in his book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, "It's not that there is not bliss to be had--there is; it's that bliss that comes only after blisters. Marital bliss is the result of marital blisters--lots of hard work, where you work till it hurts, sometimes till you bleed." Many times people think that happy marriages should happen just because. Good marriage, happy marriages, strong marriages...they all happen because you put the necessary work and effort into it. Marrying "the right person" means nothing if you aren't willing to put in the time and dedication needed to your marriage. Mark Gungor also says that "marriage is a process, not a product." What he means by that is that we aren't walking in to this already good-to-go thing where there's no assembly required. Marriage is a path, a journey that requires a ton of energy, lots of "I'm sorry's," one too many sleepless nights, days of despair, as much patience and love as you can muster, more prayers than you thought you could conjure up, wisdom beyond measure, and a death to selfishness & awakening to selflessness.

That's all well and good, but what is the reality of getting a divorce? Most people think that when things just get "too tough" in their marriage that the best thing to do is run the other way and get a divorce. They think that divorce has to be better than the marriage that they are in. The unfortunate reality is that divorce isn't running away from your problems so much as it is running toward a whole new set of problems. The reality of divorce is that it is a very challenging, difficult, and taxing thing that has the following new set of problems waiting for you:

• Children - Many people believe that divorce is a better alternative to the well-being of a child than to be in a "hostile" home. While being around parents who constantly fight isn't ideal, statistics show that children are not okay after divorce. They are subjected to emotional trauma that stays with them throughout their life. They are less likely to have a successful marriage as well compared to those children whose parents stayed together. The effects of divorce on children are devastating and often life lingering.
  
• Finances - Divorces take devastating blows to each person's financial standing. Divorce severely lowers the standard of living. 60% of people under the poverty guidelines are divorced women and children. Attorney fees, court fees, dividing assets, divided incomes, child support...they all lead to devastating effects on each individual's financial status & standard of living as well as the children involved.
• Mental Health - Studies show that divorced people are less happy and have a higher risk of substance abuse. Depression is 3 times greater in women who divorce than in those who do not. Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce including things like depression, hostility, self-acceptance issues, personal growth issues, and lowered positive relations with others.
  
• Physical Health - Divorced people are shown to be less healthy. The life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people, who have the longest life expectancies. The overall health consequences of divorces are extremely severe, and health studies conclude that not only are married couples the most likely to recover from illnesses (including terminal illnesses like cancer), but divorced individuals suffer from a long-term impact on their physical health due to the emotional trauma of the divorce.
  

These are just some of the main areas affected by divorce. There is of course spiritual and religious implications as well. On top of all of these issues, you aren't even fully rid of your spouse because if kids are involved, you will have to encounter them for visitations, family functions, holidays, important events, etc. You will never really be "rid" of you ex even if you do divorce. Not only are you and your children affected by divorce but all of the family and friends are involved too and are stuck enduring the painful process as well. It's a painful, destructive situation for everyone involved.

One of the other things I really want to point out is re-marriage. To be honest I cannot recount a single person I know that has been divorced that has said they were glad they did it. In fact, every person I know that has divorced and re-married has told me that they wished they had just stuck it out with their first spouse. They say that a new spouse only means a whole new set of problems and issues but it's compounded by all the baggage, hurt, and issues from the last. Someone very close to me said the following about their post-divorce situation, "I wished I had just stuck with my first spouse. Every day I have to wake up feeling like I am living a lie because I am so miserable with the decision I made. Now I am just trying to make it work with my second wife, but we have more problems than I did with my first wife. I should have just did the work I needed to in the first marriage, and we all would have been much better off."

I want to close by saying that I know some of you may be up in arms about this article. It may strike a chord or hit a nerve. I want to say that if you are divorced and/or re-married, I do believe there is hope for you and a chance for a happy life and marriage. It's going to require a lot of time, energy, and work though. The point of this article though is point out that there is a lot of disillusionment about divorce. It's not the easy way out at all...it's the very long, painful, and damaging path.

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The Last Straw: Introduction

There is a poll on Little Wifey where I asked you the readers to vote on where your marriage is at. Out of those of you who voted, just over 29% of you said your marriages are "headed downhill," "barely surviving," or "over." That is just out of those of you who actually voted. Recently those marriages (while anonymous to me) have been on my mind and on my heart, so I decided to do a series this week called "The Last Straw."

"The Last Straw" is a series for people who are in marriages that are struggling and maybe on the verge of divorce. It will examine the argument of staying married versus getting a divorce, real life testimonies, the road to healing, and a note to family & friends of people in this situation. My hope is that those of you struggling or those of you who know of someone that is struggling, will read this, spread the word, and find it helpful.

If you have specific questions or areas you would like addressed regarding this series, feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com, and I will do my best to answer those specific questions you might have.

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For My Readers

Guess what?! I have another exciting offer for my Little Wifey readers.

Holly of Holly Noel Photography in Huntingdon, Pennsylvania has kindly offered up a new special for you! She is willing to give a $50 portrait credit to any of my readers that are interested in having their pictures taken. So if you are hoping to capture some of those special moments, she is the gal to go to! Contact her through the contact page on her website and mention Little Wifey in the information box. You can click on any of the underlined links above, or the web address is:

http://www.hollynoelphotography.com/index.html

Thanks Holly for offering the Little Wifey readers this great deal!

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Pre-Marital Preparation: On The Same Page

While looking for someone who is the best fit for you, another important thing to keep in mind is long-term. What I mean by long-term is what your lives look like 10, 20, 30 years down the road together. Of course the future is unknown, but being prepared for it and making sure the two of you are on the same page in regards to your hopes, dreams, goals, aspirations, and plans is really important.

Most couples think that the only thing that really matters when trying to find a mate is that fuzzy, cloud 9 feeling you get when you are with that person. While that is very nice, it often can fade. What is left are the deeper roots of a relationship. Have you ever seen or heard of a tree that gets planted but never really establishes deep roots? It stays flimsy or dies because it doesn't have an anchor reaching down to the necessary nutrients it needs. On the flip side, most of us know of or have heard of that giant tree that is rock solid. It has been there forever, and the roots extend well beyond what anyone can trace. Try to move it? Forget it, it is rock solid and there to stay. Marriages are similar in that they need those deep roots to keep it steady, strong, and rock solid. How do you do that?

One of the things that most couples neglect to do with someone they think they could spend the rest of their life with is talk about some really important things that help you to be aligned and going in the same or similar direction. I will include a list of some of these topics and what you should discuss. Sometimes your answers might be totally different, but the point is to know where this person is from and where they hope to go. Sometimes different areas can be red flags too, which is why it's important to talk about these things and make sure there is a future together. Check out the list below:

1. Family Background - We all come from somewhere, and we are often a pretty strong reflection of where we come from. Most of us have heard the saying "the nut doesn't fall too far from the tree." Discuss where you come from, how your family operated, functioning/traditions/culture/things you want to keep from your family, functioning/traditions/culture/things you don't want to keep from your family, how your parents relationship was, how you were affected by your family's interactions/functioning, how your relationship with your siblings was & is, patterns in your immediate & extended family, etc. These are all questions that help give a more complete look at who you are and who your potential spouse is. It also helps explain sometimes problems you might be having or might encounter.
   
2. Roles & Rules - Alright, so we all come into relationships with expectations of ourselves and our significant other. Often times these are dictated from our family background along with numerous other factors. It is important to discuss what kind of roles you think each person plays in the marriage. Do you think the woman should be "traditional" and do all the housecleaning, cooking, and care giving? Do you think the man should be "traditional" and take out the garbage, fix things, and bring home the bacon? Do you think the woman should be working full time? Do you expect shared help with cooking and cleaning? Discussing what roles each person plays helps to clearly outline expectations and negotiate what your reality will be as a couple. Rules is similar in that you establish your own boundaries in the marriage. What are absolute no-no's in your home? What are the definites? A few examples might be: absolutely no lying at any point to one another, even if the truth hurts; always sticking the budget and not making purchases over a certain amount without consulting the other person; always say "I love you" at least once a day. Get the point?
   
3. Children - This is an area that can be very problematic if you are on different pages. It is important to feel similarly with how many kids you want, when you want to have them, what religious affiliation will you raise them with, will you always be unified in your parenting with them, who is the disciplinarian, and other general things about raising children. This isn't something you just figure out when it comes time; you need to be on the same page in this area!
4. Life Goals - Where are you hoping to be in 10, 20, 30 years? What things are you hoping to accomplish individually and also collectively? Everyone has hopes, goals, and aspirations of some sort for their future, and it's important to discuss what each of yours are to see how they align and if they fit with one another. It also helps you to know what the other person is thinking and where they want to go.
5. Where to Live - This is a very hot subject that can be very problematic, especially if you are from different cities, states, countries. Where you want to settle down is something that must be discussed before marriage because you need to be in agreement with this or else it presents obvious problems for obvious reasons.
6. View of Marriage - What does marriage mean to you? Do you believe it is for life? Do you ever think there is a reason for a divorce? How do you intend to make it work? Will you always put in the work necessary when the chips are down? How will you safeguard your marriage? These types of questions may seem obvious or silly, but they can literally make or break a marriage. If you believe marriage is for life, but your spouse thinks divorce is fine if you are miserable, well there is a very serious issue. These types of questions need to be asked because they are fundamental to the functioning of marriage.
7. Definition of Faithful/Unfaithful - Again, this might seem obvious, but it usually isn't for people. It's amazing the degree of variance in people's definitions of what infidelity is. What do you consider cheating or unfaithfulness? Where is that line? Make sure you establish what your definitions are and come to an agreement of what yours jointly will be. This makes it clear what the boundaries are for both of you and can keep you accountable.
   
8. Finances - Who takes care of them? What is your view on debt? Are you a spender or a saver? Finances is one of the leading causes of divorce. You must be on the same page with handling finances. I would highly recommend that once you get closer to getting married that you establish a budget with one another to keep yourselves on track and out of unnecessary stress and problems.
   

Asking important questions like these really help to make sure you are starting out on the right foot, headed in the same direction, and clearly know where each person is coming from and where the 2 of you want to go. I can't emphasize enough the importance of these types of conversations, so please take the time to have them! It will save you a lot of problems, heartache, and troubles later.

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For My Readers

As I said before, I will always try to keep my readers in the loop with deals and opportunities that I find or that become available to me. Today I found a great opportunity for you. There is a band called Tenth Avenue North, and they rock! I actually went to college with a few of the guys in the band, and they really are amazing. They were the Best-selling and the Most Played Artist of 2008 with "By Your Side" claiming the No. 1 spot on R&R's CHR chart. This is their 3rd time nabbing the No. 1 spot. Their music is incredible, and they are a really cool group of guys.

Due to the outpouring of stories and feedback they have received in connection with "By Your Side," they are offering a free MP3 of it. All you have to do is follow this link: http://www.tenthavenuenorth.com/byyourside
They are also offering a $3 coupon off their "Over and Underneath" album at participating Christian bookstores. The link for that is: http://www.tenthavenuenorth.com/volumes/post/768

If you just want more information on the band, check out their website at http://www.tenthavenuenorth.com/home

Let me know what you think! Enjoy!

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Pre-Marital Preparation: Mr./Miss Right

It can be tough to know if you are in the best relationship you can be or not. Often there are so many mitigating factors that keep us from seeing the forest for the trees. We hear other people's voices in our heads. We are afraid of being alone. Our clock is ticking. There are a lot of things that sometimes keep us from seeing or accepting what we already know to be true about what we are looking for in our spouse.

If you aren't married yet, no matter how close you are to getting married, I would encourage you to start collecting your thoughts now. One of the best things you can do is establish a list of the top ten attributes you would like your future husband to have. A common thing I hear among singles is that they really aren't sure what they are looking for in their future spouse but are sure they will know when they meet them. Although I do think a lot of times "we just know" when we meet our spouse, I think every person should have a game plan for themselves. Now I am not saying to get out of control with this huge long list of non-negotiable things your future spouse must possess because that sets up unrealistic expectations. What I am saying is that each person should have an idea of what and who they need when looking. Think about it...when you head out on a road trip, you wouldn't go out without a map or some sort of guide. Dating is the same; give yourself a guide for navigating the waters. Again, write down the 10 things you want and need from your future spouse, and then prioritize them from 1 to 10. When you start dating someone, or if you are in a relationship, check to see how that person stacks up to your list of needs/wants. If they don't possess all of at least a majority of those things, then I would highly recommend to keep looking.

The goal of dating is not to find a person that you can change into the person you want. The goal of dating is to try and find someone who fits the profile of the person you want. Time and time again I hear people say that they will "work" with the person they are with because they think he/she can become the person they are looking for. While compromise is essential to every relationship, trying to change someone into someone they aren't can lead to a long and difficult road for the two of you. Another common issue I see people run into is that they have been together for a long time and still just aren't sure if they are "the one." Straight up, if you have been with someone longer than a year and still don't know if they are the one, you might be better off to hit the road. Typically after 1-2 years, you should know if this person is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. If you don't, then therein lies your answer. Now, I am not saying you have to get engaged or married 1-2 years into a relationship, but I am saying you should know by then if your future plans will include marriage. If the person you are with doesn't know for sure by then...well, I doubt they will ever know. Again, dating is about finding the person who fits the profile you have established for yourself, not to find a person you can settle for, that will just do, or that you can change.

In addition to knowing the top 10 things you are looking for in a spouse, I would encourage you to consider the top 10 things you absolutely cannot deal with or don't want in a spouse. We often get "blinded" in relationships with our infatuation, and we tend to ignore all the warning signs or negative things that we really need to pay attention to. Now these negatives will vary from person to person, but I also want to put out a few warnings of my own with what to avoid. Possessiveness, controlling, and anger are three things to be very wary of. Although we all have hints of these things from time to time, strong traces of these in a person can really lead to a volatile and even abusive relationship. Be on the look out for addictions - alcohol, drugs, pornography, spending, etc. While we all have our struggles, addictions require a lot more patience, attention, and frequently require the assistance of professional help. Make sure that you know the things that you personally cannot live with, and be sure to steer clear of those things in the people you date.

The point of dating is to find someone who is a good fit for you. Don't try to jam a square peg into a round hole. Don't try to change someone into someone else; just keep looking. While the dating process can be fun, it can also be draining and discouraging, but try to stay positive because it is worth it in the end. I would encourage you to not settle for someone because they are available or because you can. Have the confidence in your self-worth and value to wait for the person you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

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Pre-Marital Preparation: Doubts

A lot of people I know struggle with where to even start with finding a spouse or knowing who the right person is for them. It's a common struggle with validity. It is one of the most important decisions that we can make, and it is one that affects us for the rest of our lives, so giving it some extra thought and consideration isn't a bad thing but rather something I think everyone should do.

While many people have different viewpoints about what it means to find the right person, how to find the right person, if there is such a thing as the right person, and so on and so forth, I believe there is a "right" person for everyone. While I also think we may be compatible with more than one person, I think there is a special person out there that God created for each of us to reach our full happiness and potential. Sometimes you see a couple together and think, "They seem to bring out the worst in each other." Or something like that. Sometimes you see a couple together and think, "Wow, they really bring out the best in each other." Typically you enjoy being around the latter couple more too. While I do believe that there is someone out there for all of us that brings out our best, I think we are all quite capable of "making it work" with the ones we are with. That's largely because I believe all relationships and marriages require a huge amount of time, effort, commitment, and work. That being said, I come full circle to saying that being with our best match makes that workload lighter and easier. You may disagree with this point, and that's OK, but I would encourage you to still think about the points I am making.

Some of you may know this about Steve and I and some of you might not, but we were both engaged before we got engaged to each other. We look back and realize how closely both of us came to marrying into a pretty terrible and difficult situation. We both were in relationships where we were "making it work" but weren't really happy, weren't having the best but rather the worst brought out in us, and weren't able to reach our full potentials in life. Thankfully, we both had that realization before it was too late. When we got together, it was night and day to our previous situations, and we then knew what it meant to be with the person God intended you to be with. Not just an OK match you can work it out with, but that person that you swear was made just for you because you are "perfect" together. Steve and I thank God every day for saving us and bringing us together because we see what a world of difference it makes. It is tough to even verbalize the differences, but I mention our situation because I believe it sheds a lot of light on the importance of finding your "perfect" match.

Time and time again, I hear people say they aren't that happy in a relationship or have their doubts about it but refuse to walk away. It is extremely frustrating because they know deep down inside this person is not what they want or need, but they would rather settle than wait. As much as it hurts me because I want them to have the most incredible relationship, marriage, and life possible, I understand the fear of waiting. "I'm going to be too old." "Who is going to want me?" "No one is perfect, so I might as well just work it out with this one." "I have invested a lot of time into this relationship already, and I don't want to throw that away." I could go on and on with the reasons people stay in relationships that they aren't really happy or fulfilled in. Please keep in mind that I am not talking about marriages - I am talking about people in relationships, engaged, dating, etc. People stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons even though everything in side them is telling them to run the other way. I know that feeling, and I understand how scary it is to throw away years of investing in a relationship, wonder if you will have to wait until you are "old" to find someone else, wonder if there really is better out there and if it's worth waiting for, wonder how in the world you even begin to separate out everything, wonder if everyone is going to hate you. It is a tough decision, but I cannot encourage you enough - it is all worth it! "Throwing away" a year, 2 years, 5 years, etc., is so worth it for 1 day with the person you are meant to be with. Besides, 1-5 years or more is nothing when you compare it to a whole lifetime. I have heard people who are engaged say they have doubts about their upcoming marriage but just feel they are too invested with everything to back out. It's not cold feet - cold feet is being a little frightened about this new chapter in your life, not doubting if the one you are about to embark on this journey with is the right one. It is never too late until you say, "I do."

A lot of people go into a marriage being miserable, unhappy, and uncertain but expect that after the wedding things will magically get better. They don't! In fact things get more challenging post wedding because you let your guard down, you are around each other all the time, and there are more things to work through together. Sadly what happens is that so many couples then wait for even more time, add some kids to the equation, and then decide this isn't the person for them and walk away. The time to do it is before the vows! A tell-tale sign that there might be trouble down the road? Feeling burnt out before you even say, "I do." We often have a lot of indicators that something is off - our gut instinct, friends & family warning us, things falling apart - but we often ignore them. Don't ignore the warning signs! Embrace them, explore them, and try to find out what they are really saying. It might just be that you need to get help and work through some things, or it might be that this relationship isn't the one for you. Trust me, it is incredibly worth it to be with the right person. It isn't that you don't have challenges or problems. It isn't that you go skipping off into a field of daisies without a care in the world. It is just that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this person with every ounce of your being, have no doubts about whether they are the one for you, you want to work out everything, you want to be a better husband/wife, and you enjoy life together in all its ups and downs.

How do you know though who is the right person for you? We will get into that tomorrow :)

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Pre-Marital Preparation: Introduction

While a lot of you are married, there are a lot of you not married. As much as I love addressing marital issues, most of them start before we ever get married. Being careful and particular of who you marry, implementing good habits, working out some of your issues, and building that strong foundation are all things that I wish every couple could do before they got married. Starting out on the right foot helps so tremendously because you typically haven't already built up a huge wall between the two of you or piled on the damage from unresolved issues. It gives you the opportunity to start out strong and prevent a lot of potential problems. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't really think about the long term when they decide to marry someone. Sure you think you are madly in love and want to be with them forever, but do you ever really think about what that means, what that entails, and what that looks like?

This week I want to go through some really important things for people who are engaged, in a serious relationship, in a new relationship, dating, or that are thinking marriage is somewhere in their future. As I always say, marriage is one of the most incredible things we get to experience here on Earth, and my hope is that this series will help to get you started off on the right foot when you are ready for that step.

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Gift of Marriage: The Goal

We cannot be content to be complacent.

When I look back over history, I cannot help but notice that great things were forged in the search for more, for better. When people stepped out in faith, they were rewarded generously. Often times their journeys required patience, time, and sacrifice, but they left an everlasting fingerprint and difference in their own life as well as those around them. Personally, I have found this same thing to be true within my own life. The times I have sought better, stepped out in faith, I was rewarded ever so generously. The path, the journey, the adventure was often challenging and met with adversity, but the end was worth the means.

Where am I going with this? Although I think we must be thankful for what we have, where we are, and all that we have been blessed with, I think we have to constantly be striving to be better. Stop to smell the roses, and then plant some more...or something like that :) This is how I view marriage, and the attitude I hope to cultivate within myself and my readers...always want to be a better wife, a better husband, and have a better marriage. If you are striving for that, then you are always moving forward even if in the smallest of increments.

So often we grow complacent and comfortable with where things are. Now don't confuse this with being thankful and grateful for what you have...I am talking about something different. Being thankful is essential, but adopting and attitude of complacency results in decay. Coming to mind is the medical condition of bedsores. Here is a blip from the Mayo Clinic to fill you in:

"Bedsores, more accurately called pressure sores or pressure ulcers, are areas of damaged skin and tissue that develop when sustained pressure cuts off circulation to vulnerable parts of your body, especially the skin on your buttocks, hips and heels. Without adequate blood flow, the affected tissue dies.

Although people living with paralysis are especially at risk, anyone who is bedridden, uses a wheelchair or is unable to change positions without help can develop bedsores.

Bedsores can develop quickly, progress rapidly and are often difficult to heal. Yet health experts say many of these wounds don't have to occur. Key preventive measures can maintain the skin's integrity and encourage healing of bedsores"

Marriages can have their own bedsores when we stop doing the work necessary to keep the circulation moving. Just like when we stop moving or can't move our bodies and the blood flow is discontinued, the tissues dies, marriages die when we stop moving toward one another and growth. Also like bedsores, these problems can develop quickly, progress rapidly, and lead to a difficult healing process. Another similarity between the two? That key preventive measures can maintain the integrity and healing of a marriage.

My objective with Little Wifey is to encourage each couple, each person to strive for movement and growth in their marriage. Follow some key preventive measures to help maintain the integrity and health of the marriage. Each couple draws their own conclusions, boundaries, standards, etc., but my hope is that I give you some key things to steer clear from, avoid, implement, etc. all aimed at promoting the constant movement, growth, and health of your marriage. You get out of marriage what you put in; it requires work, effort, and commitment.

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General Update

Hey everyone!

I wanted to let you know that I need you! Right now I am working on developing Little Wifey into something bigger and better, and I need your help. How can you help? I am looking for people to submit comments, stories, testimonies, and anything else related to your experience with Little Wifey. Maybe you shared Little Wifey with someone else and have seen it impact them. Tell me about it! My hope is to publish some of these statements in my upcoming expansions. All you have to do is shoot me an email at ashley@littlewifey.com with your comment, story, or testimony. Let me know what name you would like to have attached to it (ex: first name, nickname, anonymous, etc.), otherwise I will just use first names. It is a blessing to me to hear your stories, comments, and encouragements, and I think it is for the rest of the readers as well. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you!

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