Pre-Marital Preparation: On The Same Page

While looking for someone who is the best fit for you, another important thing to keep in mind is long-term. What I mean by long-term is what your lives look like 10, 20, 30 years down the road together. Of course the future is unknown, but being prepared for it and making sure the two of you are on the same page in regards to your hopes, dreams, goals, aspirations, and plans is really important.

Most couples think that the only thing that really matters when trying to find a mate is that fuzzy, cloud 9 feeling you get when you are with that person. While that is very nice, it often can fade. What is left are the deeper roots of a relationship. Have you ever seen or heard of a tree that gets planted but never really establishes deep roots? It stays flimsy or dies because it doesn't have an anchor reaching down to the necessary nutrients it needs. On the flip side, most of us know of or have heard of that giant tree that is rock solid. It has been there forever, and the roots extend well beyond what anyone can trace. Try to move it? Forget it, it is rock solid and there to stay. Marriages are similar in that they need those deep roots to keep it steady, strong, and rock solid. How do you do that?

One of the things that most couples neglect to do with someone they think they could spend the rest of their life with is talk about some really important things that help you to be aligned and going in the same or similar direction. I will include a list of some of these topics and what you should discuss. Sometimes your answers might be totally different, but the point is to know where this person is from and where they hope to go. Sometimes different areas can be red flags too, which is why it's important to talk about these things and make sure there is a future together. Check out the list below:

1. Family Background - We all come from somewhere, and we are often a pretty strong reflection of where we come from. Most of us have heard the saying "the nut doesn't fall too far from the tree." Discuss where you come from, how your family operated, functioning/traditions/culture/things you want to keep from your family, functioning/traditions/culture/things you don't want to keep from your family, how your parents relationship was, how you were affected by your family's interactions/functioning, how your relationship with your siblings was & is, patterns in your immediate & extended family, etc. These are all questions that help give a more complete look at who you are and who your potential spouse is. It also helps explain sometimes problems you might be having or might encounter.
   
2. Roles & Rules - Alright, so we all come into relationships with expectations of ourselves and our significant other. Often times these are dictated from our family background along with numerous other factors. It is important to discuss what kind of roles you think each person plays in the marriage. Do you think the woman should be "traditional" and do all the housecleaning, cooking, and care giving? Do you think the man should be "traditional" and take out the garbage, fix things, and bring home the bacon? Do you think the woman should be working full time? Do you expect shared help with cooking and cleaning? Discussing what roles each person plays helps to clearly outline expectations and negotiate what your reality will be as a couple. Rules is similar in that you establish your own boundaries in the marriage. What are absolute no-no's in your home? What are the definites? A few examples might be: absolutely no lying at any point to one another, even if the truth hurts; always sticking the budget and not making purchases over a certain amount without consulting the other person; always say "I love you" at least once a day. Get the point?
   
3. Children - This is an area that can be very problematic if you are on different pages. It is important to feel similarly with how many kids you want, when you want to have them, what religious affiliation will you raise them with, will you always be unified in your parenting with them, who is the disciplinarian, and other general things about raising children. This isn't something you just figure out when it comes time; you need to be on the same page in this area!
4. Life Goals - Where are you hoping to be in 10, 20, 30 years? What things are you hoping to accomplish individually and also collectively? Everyone has hopes, goals, and aspirations of some sort for their future, and it's important to discuss what each of yours are to see how they align and if they fit with one another. It also helps you to know what the other person is thinking and where they want to go.
5. Where to Live - This is a very hot subject that can be very problematic, especially if you are from different cities, states, countries. Where you want to settle down is something that must be discussed before marriage because you need to be in agreement with this or else it presents obvious problems for obvious reasons.
6. View of Marriage - What does marriage mean to you? Do you believe it is for life? Do you ever think there is a reason for a divorce? How do you intend to make it work? Will you always put in the work necessary when the chips are down? How will you safeguard your marriage? These types of questions may seem obvious or silly, but they can literally make or break a marriage. If you believe marriage is for life, but your spouse thinks divorce is fine if you are miserable, well there is a very serious issue. These types of questions need to be asked because they are fundamental to the functioning of marriage.
7. Definition of Faithful/Unfaithful - Again, this might seem obvious, but it usually isn't for people. It's amazing the degree of variance in people's definitions of what infidelity is. What do you consider cheating or unfaithfulness? Where is that line? Make sure you establish what your definitions are and come to an agreement of what yours jointly will be. This makes it clear what the boundaries are for both of you and can keep you accountable.
   
8. Finances - Who takes care of them? What is your view on debt? Are you a spender or a saver? Finances is one of the leading causes of divorce. You must be on the same page with handling finances. I would highly recommend that once you get closer to getting married that you establish a budget with one another to keep yourselves on track and out of unnecessary stress and problems.
   

Asking important questions like these really help to make sure you are starting out on the right foot, headed in the same direction, and clearly know where each person is coming from and where the 2 of you want to go. I can't emphasize enough the importance of these types of conversations, so please take the time to have them! It will save you a lot of problems, heartache, and troubles later.