Gift of Marriage: Reason for Rules

A mother lovingly looks at her child who is staring at her with scared eyes. She can't help but think to herself what could have happened worse case scenario. She had been telling her child since she can remember to never get caught up in the wrong crowd. As she looked at her 16 year old boy, she knew she loved him just as much now as ever but was disappointed with the situation that lay before her. Her son had decided to go hang out with some friends and try drinking. After a few drinks, they decided to head out on the town to see who they could see. Because of the impairment, her son's driving was less than stellar, and he had swerved off the road and hit a tree. Everyone was okay, but his mother knew it could have been much worse. Now he would lose his license along with a lot of other privileges as a result.

A man is driving along stuck in his head with thoughts of everything going on in his life - the nagging boss, the list of to do's, the upcoming visit by some family. He isn't really paying attention to his driving, and he accidentally runs a stop sign. Bam! He nails the car that had the right-of-way, and suddenly he snaps out of his head and into the reality that he just got in an accident. Everyone is fine, but he can't help but kick himself for not paying attention. The police come, he is given a citation, he swaps information with the driver, and leaves to head home. His insurance is going to go up, he has this silly fine to pay, and now his car is dinged up too...all from running a stop sign.

Rules and guidelines exist in our every day lives no matter who you are or where you live. Communities, countries, states, towns...they all have rules and they all differ. Parents and families have rules too. What are rules and guidelines good for though? Rules and guidelines don't exist to bind us, restrict us, or condemn us. They are there to provide a better life, a better place to live. Right? Think about it - what if everyone was aloud to steal, kill, and do whatever they pleased? Would we be safe? Would we be happy? No. Those rules are there because they are generally believed to be things that contribute to us having a safe and happy community to live in. How about in a family then? I don't know a single parent that doesn't have at least one rule for their children to abide by. Why do they have rules? Is it so their child is miserable and can have zero fun? No. It's to protect their child, guide their child to a better and happier life. Rules are an essential part of our lives. They protect us, guide us, and provide us with something better.

What happens though if a rule is broken? Is the person who broke that rule a complete reject that everyone hates and wants nothing to do with? Does a parent just disown their child? Typically the answer to that question is no (there are extenuating circumstances where heinous are committed and the resulting consequences are intense) . Unfortunately though when rules are broken consequences are the resulting situation. For example, in the first scenario above, the teenage boy lost his license and now he will most likely be grounded from going out as well. Does the mother hate him? No, but consequences still exist as a result of the choice the boy made. In the second scenario, the man ran a stop sign. He didn't do it intentionally, but he broke the law and is stuck with consequences of a fine, insurance increase, and paying to fix his own car as well. Is society kicking him out? No, but as a result of running the stop sign, he must deal with the consequences. Consequences are a standard result to the choices we make - some can be good and some can be bad depending on the choice we make.

Laws are there to protect us and guide us to keep everyone safe and afforded the opportunity for the pursuit of happiness. Parents give their children rules and guidelines to protect them and help them to pursue happy and fulfilling lives. Laws/guidelines/standards are derived off of a general consensus, experiences, and research. We take a look at the things we have seen, know, or are proven to be helpful and/or destructive and say, "Try to do these things, and try to avoid these things." Depending on what law or guideline you break, there are different consequences varying from a slap on the hand to much more severe. Really though laws and guidelines are there to provide us with the freedom to live a safe and happy life, which is the concept that I bring into my writings for marriages & relationships in general.

I want all of you to understand that I am coming at you with guidelines and standards that I have learned through experiences, education, research, and observation to be important to have. It isn't so that you feel overwhelmed with do's and don'ts. It isn't so that you feel condemned or judged. It is merely a guidebook that says, these are things that are proven to be potentially dangerous for a marriage...try to avoid them. Or if there are something positive, try to implement them. It isn't to restrict or bind you, but rather to liberate you from the bondage and damage that they so often bring. We are all human though, and we may not always achieve our goals, guidelines, and standards for one reason or another. Lord knows I have ventured off or fallen short more than once. If you venture off or have ventured off in a certain area, I am simply saying, "Welcome to the club. We all stumble and are trying to strive for a better life. Dust yourself off, deal with the consequences, and try again!" Nobody is perfect at all, but my objective is to communicate that it doesn't mean we should stop trying to be better. Rules and guidelines are there to help prevent us from piling on a bunch of baggage to our lives where we are bound and defined by them. Instead, they are there to provide a guide to living a freer, better life.

Marriages have such incredible potential, but we need guidelines and help to provide ourselves the opportunity to explore a better and more fulfilling marriage. A parent looks at a child with the knowledge of their full potential and tries to do their best to keep that child on track with guidelines and standards. That is my hope and aspiration as a therapist with this resource - provide your marriage, that has so much potential, with some tools to make it the best it can be. The important thing to note though is that I may give you my guidelines and give you information on things that may help or inhibit your marriage, but each marriage, each couple must discuss what their specific rules and standards are for their marriage. You may not have as strong of a stance on something as I do, and that's fine. What matters is that you are discussing these things openly and honestly to come up with a collaborative set of guidelines to try to live by in your home. This will vary from home to home and may differ from the standards and guidelines I communicate, but I hope that the warning signs I put out there are heeded. I am not trying to condemn or judge anyone, I am trying to simply provide you with the freedom from the bondage of all the things that try to steal the joy and life from your marriage.

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Gift of Marriage: Core Beliefs

As a reader of Little Wifey, I think it is essential for you to understand where I am coming from for all of my writings. Sometimes you may disagree with you or may not like my point of view, but knowing where someone is coming from and their intentions can really help regardless. If you do disagree with me, feel free to let me know via email (ashley@littlewifey.com) or a comment. My hope though is that you would consider a different perspective from your own and respect my education, point of view, and intentions.

Where am I coming from? I am coming from a place of complete belief in marriages. Marriages are an amazing gift from God, and I believe that with all of my heart. They are hard work and require constant energy and commitment, but they are the most worthwhile investment you can make. Marriages are fun, exciting, and an opportunity to have a best friend by your side for the rest of your life. They are incredible, intimate, and an opportunity to grow as an individual. For me, marriages are this incredible opportunity we have on earth to experience unconditional (well as close to it as possible) love and security. I love marriages and believe in them!

Another place that I am coming from that I believe very strongly in is that marriage is for life. In me first entries I made it clear that I believe in "No Escape Clause." That means that I believe marriage is for life and there can be no possibility for getting out. Trust me, when you have that mentality, you are going to work your butt off to make your marriage successful and the best it can be. You will figure out a way to work out that impossible problem or communicate about something. Now I know some of you are probably up in arms that I am being judgmental or that I am encouraging something preposterous because of so many x factors out there. I understand what you are saying, and I want to make it clear that I am not trying to judge anyone or shame anyone. That's not what this is about. We all make mistakes or decisions we thought were best, and there is always an opportunity for grace and mercy. Of course there are situations where lives might be endangered in a marriage, and I am not going to sit back and say to just take it. At the same time, I want you to know that despite my belief in love, redemption, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, I hold a firm line with this belief. I have to because I believe it works, and I cannot apologize for that. My encouragement is to make sure you know who you are marrying before you marry them. If you are divorced, my encouragement would be to not make the same mistakes twice. Believing that marriage is for life and divorce is not an option gives the marriage a fighting chance because every single marriage will experience a time or two where you will use that door you left cracked open. Just shut that door completely, and your marriage will already be stronger for it. Still not buying it? Well, if a hurricane comes through, and you left a door so much as cracked on your house, what would happen? Those winds would rip that door completely open and destroy your home completely. If that door was closed those, you stand a chance. Sure you might get some dings, broken windows, and a little damage, but that house is still standing. Marriage is no different - don't crack the door to divorce because when the hurricanes of life come, it will wreak havoc on your marriage.

It is important that you understand that I love people and marriages! I love seeing people happy and healthy. Life is so challenging and presents us with so many obstacles, and I understand that. That is why I want to do everything I can to help, and I believe my calling is especially helping in the area of marriage. That is why I went and got my B.S. in Psychology and my M.A. in Clinical Psychology with a specialization in Marriage & Family Therapy. I believe in marriage and the miracle and blessing that it is. Know that everything I write and everything I do is with the intention of utilizing my passion, education, and experience to help your marriage, your relationship, your life. I pray for my readers. I work very hard on everything I write and do. I care about each of you and want to do everything I can to help.

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For My Readers

As I have mentioned before, I want to provide my readers with opportunities and benefits. My hope is that as Little Wifey grows, so will these opportunities and benefits for Little Wifey readers and followers. Please feel free to spread the word so that as many people as possible can benefit from them. Whenever you see a posting with the title "For My Readers," I will be posting some sort of offer, promotion, or benefit that you, my readers, can benefit from.

Recently I was working with Sunrise Balloons (the company Steve and I used to go on our hot air balloon ride and Jeep tour of the wineries in Temecula for our 1 year anniversary) to try to work out a promotion for my readers. It was such a wonderful, fun, and exciting experience, that I really wanted others to experience it as well. After speaking with them, here is what they had to say:

"...we would be happy to give your readers of www.thelittlewifey.blogspot.com a discount. Tell them to mention your site when they make their reservation or purchase a gift certificate for the Holidays...I'll make it a worthwhile discount."

So, if you are thinking of trying to plan something special and live in California or are planning a visit, I would really encourage you to contact them to book a really fun, special, and memorable time! If you can't take advantage of it personally, consider buying a giftcard for someone that can. Their information is as follows:

Sunrise Balloons
http://www.sunriseballoons.com/
1.800.548.9912

I really hope that you all enjoy this offer and can benefit from it! I would love to hear if anyone is able to take advantage of it, so post a comment if you do or feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com. Enjoy!

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The Gift of Marriage: Introduction

I have been milling over Little Wifey recently. I have been trying to work out how far it has come, where I want it to go, what all I want to do with it, and how I am going to do all of that and get there. As with any new venture in life negativity creeps in causing doubt, concerns, and all sorts of obstacles. Suddenly things seem impossible, and you wonder if it is all worth it.

Over the last week, I have been praying intently over God's goal for me and for Little Wifey. There have been some seemingly insurmountable obstacles that have come with this adventure of mine, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling that this could develop into a whole lot more than I even thought possible. As I sought after God and prayed over where He was taking Little Wifey, He began to bring all the right people into my life at all the right moments. This past week, several people have stepped up to help me, encourage me, suggest things that have helped guide me and get me moving in all the right directions. Just over the weekend, I had the opportunity to talk through some of these movements, ideas, and thoughts I was having. As the encouragement was growing, and the vision was becoming clearer, I thought it important to share with my readers why I started Little Wifey.

What is the point of Little Wifey? Why even do this? Well, I am extremely passionate about marriages and my belief in their potential no matter where they started, no matter where they are at, no matter where they are going. Marriages are a gift, and I believe that with all my heart. Please join me this week as I reveal the motivation for Little Wifey, my hopes for Little Wifey, and my hopes for you my readers!

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Common Challenges: Family & Friends

Another common challenge to marriage that can often lead to major marital discord and even divorce is the interference of family and friends. Often times those closest to us get a little too involved or have too much influence in a marriage, which is not always a good thing. In fact, as much as we need a strong, healthy support group around us, we must be careful of their involvement and influence in our marriages.

Previously I wrote an article on the importance of the support system around us (see "Food for Marriage: Support System). The first thing of importance with those we keep closest to us is to make sure they are positive and healthy influences on our lives and marriages. Having people who encourage you to do things or participate in things detrimental to your marriage or those who speak negatively of your spouse is a recipe for disaster. We need to have people around us that no matter what are encouraging us to stay strong and healthy in our marriages. Having the wrong people around you can easily and frequently destroy your marriage, so be wise and surround yourself with those that love you and want your marriage to be the best it can be!

Another common issue concerning those closest to you is simply over involvement. Although there are times to seek counsel or help from those closest to you, this should be done sparingly and with caution. The more people that get involved in your issues, situations, and marriage, the more mitigated and confusing it can be. It is absolutely essential that in marriage, the two of you work out your issues. It strengthens your marriage in so many ways when you handle it that way. Plus, there can be lasting effects on those who got involved; you may be quick to understand and forgive the situation and your spouse, but others might not be. In general it is best to keep a high level of confidence with the marriage and avoid disclosing a lot of personal things to those around you.

Additionally, something that frequently arises in marriages is the necessary adjustments to relationships post-wedding. What do I mean? Well, particularly with each spouses families, new dynamics exist so adjustments must be made with those relationships. Families like to still think of their son or daughter, sister or brother as just that and often treat them the way they always have. The danger there is that things have changed. The primary role of that person is no longer son, daughter, brother, sister; it is now husband or wife. Room must be made for the spouse and respect must be given to the marriage. Often times the parents still want to have "control" over decisions their son/daughter makes, want them to still "answer" to them with decisions and plans, and overall just want to be involved as the parent they have always been. Granted, involvement and relationship with your parents is absolutely essential, but the old rules don't still always apply. New boundaries need to be established - decisions are now made between husband and wife, parents should no longer demand to know everything going on and every move that is being made, and respect should be given to the privacy, establishment, and quality time of the couple. This doesn't mean you never talk to your parents again, never consult with them again, never tell them what you are doing, or anything like that. It simply means that they are no longer the "main" influence in their son or daughters life, and the primary role of their son/daughter is now husband or wife. Parents who don't let go of their son or daughter and don't respect the privacy, relationship, and importance of the marriage can literally destroy it. The emotional needs of a person must be met by their spouse! If a mother doesn't let go of her son and insists on getting the full run-down of every move in his life, constantly checks in on what he is doing and where he is at, involves herself in his personal life & decisions, etc., she is intruding upon the role of the wife. The same goes for a father and daughter. The result is often that there is no room for the spouse to play their role, and frequently then their needs are also being neglected because that son/daughter is busy filling the emotional needs of their parent. In-laws can be your greatest ally or biggest enemy. If they don't know what role to play, then make sure to establish those boundaries for the sake of your marriage.

The bottom line with every marriage is that it should exist between two people. Having a good, strong support group around you to encourage you or perhaps occasionally be there to discuss issues is so important. Equally as important is establishing boundaries with those same people to protect the bond and sanctity of your marriage. Problems should largely be dealt with as a couple, issues and plans should be made between the two of you, emotional needs should be met only by your spouse, and overall, your primary focus should always be with your spouse.

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Common Challenges: Finances

Finances...*sigh* This is something that is on a lot of our minds these days with how things have been with the economy. How nice the world would be if we didn't all have to stress and worry about money...right? Well, unfortunately, that's not going to happen anytime soon, so we have to face our finances head on. Finances cause so much strain and trouble to people, but it rarely effects anything more than a marriage. Marriages take a beating from financial issues, and we need to put a stop to it.

Finances is one of the top reasons marriages end in divorce. There are several contributing factors to why that is the case. One is that we often have different ideas of how we want to handle finances in a marriage. Often one person thinks you save as much as you can and spend only what you need to, while maybe the other person thinks you should just spend it if you have it. Sometimes the problem is who handles the finances - the husband or wife, you or me. Other times the problem is just not knowing how to handle finances - what to spend where, how much to save, coming up with a budget, etc. The unfortunate truth is that most couples never even know this could be and usually is an issue and rarely is it ever discussed before the marriage starts, so there you are scrambling around to try and make sense of how things are going to operate in your home. A second reason for finances being a reason for divorce so often is that money has always been but continues to grow into an all-consuming obsession in people's lives. We are motivated and driven by the almighty dollar. We can never make enough of it, can never own enough things, and will sacrifice just about anything, including our marriages, relationships, and families to have as much of it as possible. We forget that most of the time, we started making money so that the "things" we could have were actually our marriages and families. Hmmm...our original motivation for making money becomes the doormat for the obsession of money. A third reason that money can be so problematic in a marriage is not knowing how to budget and handle money. A lot of couples really don't know what to do with their finances, which typically leads to a lot of bills and debt that ultimately leads to a lot of fighting and strain on each person and the marriage. These are some of the main reasons that finances can be so troublesome in a marriage.

Well, what now? There are several things you can do to help alleviate these issues:

• Put your money in place! Money is not the be all, know all, top priority in life. Money is a means to an end. It is that necessity to take care of our families. We place so much emphasis on money, but as a lot of us have learned, it can be gone in a minute anyway. Keep your priorities in order - family & marriage first, money & things second.
  
• If you aren't married yet, start talking about finances. How do you want to handle them? Who is going to manage them? Set up a budget, and maybe even go see a financial planner if at all possible. Get this conversation going though so you go into marriage with a plan.
• If you are married, still get to talking on finances. It is never too late to sit down and talk about how you want to handle the finances, who is going to handle them, and your financial goals. If things are a little out of order and chaotic, go set up an appointment with a financial planner to help them help you. Don't panic, just take a deep breath and try to organize yourselves.
• Avoid debt! Nowadays there are so many ways to get what you want without actually having the money for it. Obviously there are times you might need to take out a loan, but make sure that you really have the money and budget to make your payments. My parents always told me that if I get a credit card, to make sure that at the end of every month I have the money to pay it completely off. I have always stuck to that rule. It is tough because there is so much wonderful "stuff" out there calling our names, but if you don't have the money for it...don't get it!! The Bible says in Proverbs 22:7 "The borrower is slave to the lender." Debt can add so much unnecessary stress to our lives and marriages, so I would encourage you to be very cautious and careful when considering taking on debt.
• Set up a budget. The basic principle of a budget is to know how much money is coming in, how much money needs to go out (rent, car payment, insurance, food, etc.), and then how much is left over. What is coming in needs to be higher than what is going out. With what is left over, figure out if you want to save or invest some of that, and then know what you have left for the "extras" in life. People think budgets are so elementary, and a lot of people never do one. I can't encourage you enough though to make one and follow it because it really can keep you on track and save you a lot of headaches and marital problems.
• Distinguish between needs and wants. We often think we have to have something because we need it when in fact it is just something we want. Indulging in constant wants leads to debt, so be careful. A simple rule is to literally ask yourself with each thing you are buying, "is this a want or a need?" Buying needs and not wants will keep you on track.
• Keep Christ in your finances. As a Christian, I believe tithing is so important. I have always been a believer in tithing and have always had my financial needs met. It seems silly or old-fashioned, but it has never failed me! God blesses us with all that we have whether we realize that, believe that, or not; trust Him with what He has given you. He promises to bless us abundantly in return, and He has never failed me. If you don't quite know how or what to do, talk to a pastor about it.
  

These are just a few ways to help get you on track and keep you on track. Again, if you are experiencing serious financial difficulties, try to set some money aside to get professional help from a financial expert. Statistically married couples are financially better off than someone who is single or divorced, which is a blessing. The last thing you want to do is allow your marriage to fall apart because of finances. That is one of the saddest reasons marriages fall apart - money. Money does not last, but your marriage and family should. Keep your marriage & family first, manage your money, and live a happy life :)

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Common Challenges: Infidelity

Infidelity is marital disloyalty, a breach of trust, or a disloyal act. Now everyone defines infidelity differently, but each couple should have the discussion to define what it is in their marriage. Although infidelity is defined differently from one home to the next, I personally have a very thorough inclusion of what it is. My belief is that infidelity is any disloyalty to the marriage including affairs, pornography, emotional involvement (typically with the opposite gender) with people outside the marriage, and even lust to any degree. Sounds harsh to some of you, I am sure, but it is safeguarding my marriage. The truth is, all of those things I listed above have a long history of destroying marriages. Sure, it may start out as harmless but rarely does it end up there. My philosophy is to stop infidelity before it starts by not allowing these things to even be entertained in the slightest way in my home. Personally, everyone needs to have that stance with adultery being the #2 reason for divorce.

The sad truth is that infidelity, particularly affairs, are rarely some random surprise. They are typically a symptom of a greater problem. What do I mean? Well, a lot of times communication may stop in a marriage, or communication turns hostile and volatile, or intimacy & friendship die in the marriage, and soon one or both of the spouses feel their needs aren't being met. Rather than being able to turn to one another and work through things, people often turn outside the marriage for their needs to be met. Often it's that guy at work that just makes the wife feel so good about herself because he showers her with compliments and listens like she hasn't been listened to in a long time. Or it's that sexy lady at work that flirts with the husband, making him feel desirable and manly, and soon she is offering to meet his sexual needs. Affairs creep in when a marriage is already struggling and weak. As a Christian I believe that Satan allows a marriage to slowly deteriorate, and then he lures the bait in front of each spouse to go in for the kill. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but regardless, affairs are typically a symptom of a greater problem.

Time and time again, marriages are destroyed by infidelity. Things start breaking down in the marriage, one or both spouses turn outside the marriage to something or someone else, and soon a divorce comes knocking at your door. What do I mean by turning to something else outside of marriage? People aren't the only things luring us away from our marriages and into infidelity. There are many things out there offering up the same destruction. One of the biggest things is pornography. Nowadays it is everywhere. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have just turned off a show or movie because it always ends up with someone naked in front of us. Billboards, TV, commercials, magazines, the internet....it is everywhere. They say sex sells, and "they" are more than obliged to sell it. Pornography is a subject that I will go much more in depth with later because it's a very important subject that is destroying marriages and lives at a rapid rate that isn't being discussed. I have heard guys and girls say that it is just what guys do, and it doesn't really hurt anyone (now I know this isn't only a male thing because there are plenty of women who indulge in porn as well as create the porn for people to view, but the vast majority of people who view porn are male, that's just a fact). It cannot be expressed enough how devastating and wrong that statement is though. It isn't just what guys do, and that shouldn't be the standard for anyone. Pornography is ridiculously destructive, so much so that I will be doing a whole series on that at one point. Point being, pornography is a huge means for infidelity in marriages. Other major players can be alcohol, drugs, and romance novels. Anything that is "fulfilling" a need that the marriage should be is no good and can easily eventually lead to the demise of your marriage. Another big thing that lures people away from their marriages? The concept of the grass is greener on the other side. You know...that guy at work that can't keep his eyes off of you would be such a better husband...that girl at work would always show you respect...right? WRONG! The grass is never greener on the other side, and if you ask most people in that other grass, they will tell you that the original grass was in fact as good as it got. Every single relationship in your life will be hard work and plagued with issues to work through. You might as well start working through them now with the spouse you are with.

My views on infidelity may seem extreme, but that is because I know too much. Infidelity always starts out "innocent" and ends with destruction. Taking a hard stance on it helps prevent that door from creeping open. Now my hope is not to condemn people or make people feel judged and shamed in this article. That is never my objective at all. It is simply to express passionately that I want your marriages to be protected from destruction. If you have fallen victim to infidelity or have committed it, I do believe there is hope, healing, and restoration. It can be a painful and difficult process but definitely possible. My biggest suggestion would be to get professional help to begin that road of healing. I cannot express enough though the importance of working hard at your marriage, checking in with your spouse to make sure their love tank is being filled by you, putting the time and energy necessary into your marriage and relationship, and completely avoiding dangerous situations that could lead to unfaithfulness in your marriage!

One last thing...If you want to see more, learn more, hear more about adultery and affairs, there is an amazing pastor Ed Young that will be stepping up to debate adultery this Thursday, September 24 at 11:35pm EST on ABC. It should be really interesting and good, so make sure to check it out. If you want to get a little more info, check out the website at http://www.edyoung.com/nightline.php

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Common Challenges: Communication

There are common challenges to every marriage that all or most of us will experience in one form or another. Unfortunately in today's climate, marriage has a lot going against it. As I have said before, there is a general negative connotation about marriage, a positive light on the single, "free" life, and temptation & obstacles constantly placed before us all luring us away from the sanctity of marriage. That being said, we each have the choice to protect our own marriages and selves from those things. Part of that includes equipping ourselves with some tools for effectiveness in our marriages, which is why this week we are discussing knowing common challenges that plague marriages.

The first common challenge, which is also the most prevalent challenge, is communication. Being men and women as well as unique individuals, we all communicate and perceive things differently from one another. This can cause issues ranging from small to huge. Sometimes we just don't know how to communicate or what to communicate, but regardless, we experience a breakdown in communication nearly every day in our relationships.

Communication is absolutely essential to every single relationship we have in our lives. Although communication can be difficult, frustrating, and a whole lot of other negative things at times, it is also this amazing tool we have to build relationship with one another. I have touched on the importance of communication in several other series (check out the entry "Food for Marriage: Communication"), but it will continue to be brought up because of its significance and importance in relationships. One of the biggest things I like to emphasize is that we must constantly remind ourselves of the point of communicating. Contrary to what we might think, feel, or experience, the point of communication is to build. Build each other up, build our relationship up, and just build. If you are tearing your spouse down with your words, stop! Rethink things and figure out a way to communicate where you are building up the marriage and your spouse. Communication can break down in so many ways and at so many times, but the biggest thing to keep in mind is that if we want our marriages (and relationships) to thrive, we must keep communicating! Giving up on communication is one of the deadliest things in a marriage or relationship because you are taking away its very nourishment. We build our relationship and bond with communication. Don't stop communicating!

What do you do if your communication has become nothing but negative or non-existent in your relationship? Try to break the cycle of negativism. Start with communicating about small things that aren't problematic or "charged" areas that frequently lead to arguments or a breakdown in communication. It can be as simple as talking about your day and what happened in it. Make sure to take turns, keep yourself in check (if you feel like you are starting to go negative or think negative - stop yourself!), and try to focus on intentionally listening, affirming, and staying positive and present in the conversation. If things start going off-track, try to immediately stop and say something like, "Wait. We are headed down our usual path here of negativity. What is going on here? What are you feeling right now?" Breaking any cycle requires personal responsibility; be the "bigger person" if things go awry and try not to react to a reaction. Rather try to accept that you have a part in this and can try to change things. Be patient though because things don't change in one setting or over night...it's a process that can take some serious time and patience.

What if you already feel like you communicate effectively? Fantastic! Keep it up. Try to take things to a deeper level of communication even. If you already have the day-to-day stuff down as well as working through conflicts that arise, try communicating about deeper thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, experiences, etc. There is always room to grow, so keep planting those communication seeds and giving your relationship those strong, deep roots that it so desperately needs.

So often marriages end because communication stopped. Granted, communication can be such a challenge at times, but it is the lifeline of a marriage that is necessary. It can be frustrating when you just can't seem to communicate effectively with each other, but don't give up! You may think arguing all the time is the worst thing in the world, but it shows that you both still care and are still both trying. You just need to figure out how to communicate better and less damagingly. If you are really struggling with communication, seek professional help. They can help direct you in your conversations to weed out the misunderstandings or confusion and get back on track with understanding and communicating with one another. Getting help right when you need it is one of the best investments you can make in your marriage or relationship because it literally can help save it. Be encouraged that no matter how healthy and happy a relationship is, we all experience times of failed communication. The bottom line is to never stop trying, never stop caring, always try to listen, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and get help if you need.

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Common Challenges: Introduction

Hopefully you all enjoyed last week's little break from the typical action and were able to check out Steve's and my 1 year anniversary celebration, the posting with a freebie offer, links to our the places we used for our anniversary, & some other information/suggestions, and were able to go back and check out some of the other series from before. There is a lot going on with Little Wifey; it is developing and expanding, so I have been spending a lot of time on that. It is exciting to see where this all is headed :)

Well, this week I am getting back in to writing and will be presenting a series called "Common Challenges." There are some common challenges across the board that plague marriages. They are things that most marriages have struggled with, are struggling with, or will struggle with at some point and time in the marriage. Knowing what these common challenges are is half the battle because you have the awareness that it is a challenge you will need to overcome. This week I will identify these challenges and offer up some ways to cope with and manage them. Join me this week for "Common Challenges!"

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For My Readers

Hey everyone!

I wanted to let you know that there is an opportunity for 10 FREE SONGS!!! You need to have itunes on your computer, but that's it. Just go to www.creationfesttour.com, click on "10 Free Songs from itunes," and you are good to go. Enjoy!! Just wanted to share with my readers, so you could enjoy this opportunity too :) I will try to always let you know when I find deals, freebies, etc.

In case any of you wanted to check out the things Steve and I did for our anniversary, here are some links and info you might find helpful:

• Balloon Ride - Sunrise Balloons http://www.sunriseballoons.com/ (They also offer the Jeep winery tour, horseback riding tours of the vineyards, and some other cool packages!)
  
• South Coast Winery- http://wineresort.com/ (They have a beautiful restaurant, villas, wine tasting room, and spa)

There is a site that was just recommended to me by a family member that I really think a lot of you would find helpful. It is a site that helps you save some cash, which I think we probably would all find valuable. Check it out at http://www.saveathomemommy.com/

Also, I would encourage you to got back through some of the old series this week. If you missed one or need a refresher, check them out. Especially if you just joined us recently, I would highly recommend checking out the "Foundation for Marriage." It is kind of my starting point for everything else, and I think you would enjoy it as well as find it helpful. Feel free to peruse any old series though!

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One Year Anniversary

As I mentioned yesterday, Steve and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary together. It was such an amazing time that I thought I would share it with all of you. Enjoy the story, enjoy the pictures, and feel free to steal some ideas if you so wish :)

First of all, Steve planned our entire weekend! I kept bugging him about what we were going to do, but he just assured me he had it under control and would reveal it in due time. Well, the weekend of my birthday (July 28th) we were celebrating, and that was when he revealed the plan to me. He did it in such a cool way that was just the beginning of what the weekend would be. He brought out this object covered with a blanket. He handed me a piece of paper rolled up and tied with ribbon. As I opened up the scroll, it had pictures on it that I had to piece together to figure out what we were doing. The mysterious blanketed item was a box with 2 bottles of champagne in it - he had signed us up as members of the #1 winery in the state of California, and this was the first shipment that we got. Plus, we were going to be staying there. You will see what all that pictogram revealed below.

Since Steve had planned out the whole weekend, I thought it was only fair that I did something special for him. So, I took some construction paper, cut it up into all different squares with different little cut outs here and there, and on each one wrote something I love about Steve. I created a trail with them from the front door the our bedroom. On the front door I wrote on a full sheet of construction paper "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." Since it was going to be late, and I only had the place illuminated with candles, I put a flashlight on the door know for him to use and read each of them. At the end of the trail was a jar I had taken and put various stickers on that said things like: "You and me," "You are wonderful," etc. This way he could collect all those notes and put them in his jar for any time he needed to know how much I love him. Also at the end of the trail was a gift and a note. Anyway, he came home (I hid in the bathroom), followed the trail, and read the note, and then I came out to tell him how much I love him. He opened the gift, which was a frame with 3 slots - I put a wedding picture in one, his vows to me in another, and my vows to him in another, so we can always look at our vows and reflect on that commitment we made to one another.

Saturday morning we awakened at 3:00 to head out to Temecula for a sunrise hot air balloon ride! When we got to the rendezvous point, it was a winery called La Cereza. There they had some breakfast nibbles for us and coffee while we waited for the other people in the group. We then piled into a couple of cars where we were taken out to the launching point. There we saw 2 hot air balloons laying out their sides about to be blown up. That part was way cooler than we expected. They were huge, and it was a cool thing to watch them get blown up. At one point they let us walk inside the balloon and have our picture taken inside the balloon. As they got it all ready, and it stood upright, they took pictures of us, had put up a banner that said "Happy Anniversary," and we hopped in. They had champagne and breakfast for us in the balloon, and played music for us as we took off. It was the most incredible thing! We flew over all the beautiful vineyards and hit an altitude at one point of 5,500 feet! It was so beautiful and ridiculously cool. Our pilot was super nice and fun. We were up there for an hour floating around - enjoying the view, each other, and all the pilot telling us what was what. After our hour was up, we literally just slowly descended until we landed in a random field. There we took more pictures, jumped out, and headed back to the winery. There they had a cake for us to celebrate our anniversary with, and we just hung out until our next adventure.





Next we hopped into a Jeep and were off on a winery tour. We went to four wineries where we did 6 tastings at each. It was a lot to drink, especially for us, but we managed. We did some off-roading, stopped at some pretty look-out points, went through some vineyards and tried the grapes, saw the fermentation process, checked out a barrel room, and were learned a ton about the whole process. It was several hours and a really cool, informative, and fun thing to do/see. After that, we were pooped, so we grabbed some take-out and went to our hotel to watch some college football (our fav!)


Sunday morning we got up and headed out to South Coast Winery (the #1 rated winery in California). It is a beautiful winery and beautiful property! We checked in for our villa, which was amazing. It was tucked into the vineyard, was huge, and had a gorgeous view of the vineyards and mountains. We went to the wine tasting room, where we tried some delicious wines and had a great time with our "bartender" Jenn. After a yummy lunch out on the deck of their restaurant, we went to the spa where we had massages and hung out for the afternoon. Steve had us dinner reservations, so we got all cleaned up and headed to a beautiful and absolutely off-the-charts dinner. They brought us out cheesecake for dessert, and we pretty much had to be rolled out of there when it was all said and done. We then went back to our villa where we cut the top layer of our cake, which was surprisingly moist and yummy! Next was gift time :)


Steve does video editing as a side thing, and he is amazing at it. So for our wedding, we hired videographers, but then Steve took all the raw footage and edited the video himself. Part of my gift was a 3 DVD set of all our pre-wedding festivities edited, our wedding ceremony & reception, and our honeymoon. It was absolutely incredible; he did the most phenomenal job on it, and it was so fun to watch together on our 1 year anniversary. I had made Steve a 50 page scrapbook of everything from our engagement through leaving for our honeymoon. If you know anything about scrapbooking, then you know it was an intense process. He loved it! He also had taken a picture that we took from the first night on our honeymoon in Antigua of the beach and had it blown up and framed. It is a gorgeous picture with a lot of sentimental value, and it's in a gorgeous frame. It was the most perfect 1 year anniversary ever!

Monday morning we slept in, had room service, and hung out for the morning. It was nice to just enjoy each others company. We did eventually get up and going to the spa where we had some more treatments and hung out for the afternoon. We went into the vineyards to pick some grapes, which are super yummy, and now we have a ton of them. We checked out and headed home savoring the incredible weekend we had that felt like it had almost been a full week of adventures and enjoyment.

Literally, our 1 year anniversary celebration was one of the best weekends of my life! It was so much fun to remember what we were doing and where we were at just 1 year ago with the wedding festivities. It was fun to talk about and remember our special day, and talk about how much we have done, how far we have come, and all the joy it has brought. We have done so much already in 1 year, and we have been so blessed beyond belief in 1 year. The best part we discovered is that it is just the beginning of a whole lifetime of joys, memories, blessings, fun, adventures, love...that is an amazing and very, very exciting thought!!!

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This Week....

Hey everyone!

Sorry for the delay in posting something and updating everyone on what is going on this week. Sunday was Steve's and my 1 year wedding anniversary, so we went away for a long weekend together. We had the most incredible weekend of celebrating; it could not have been more perfect! We just got back last night though, which is why I was unable to post anything yesterday.

This week I am going to do something a little different though. I am not going to write articles each day on a series. Currently I am working on expanding the Little Wifey blog into something bigger, and so I am going to take the week off from writing to work on things that need to get done for that. Tomorrow though I am going to present a little recap of Steve's and my 1 year anniversary celebration. It was jam packed with amazing activities and moments, and I think a lot of you would enjoy catching a glimpse of it. Maybe you can even get an idea or two of your own for a special celebration you might have coming up with your spouse.

I really hope you will check out tomorrow's posting on our 1 year anniversary celebrations, and then join me next week for a new series! Thanks for all the anniversary love and thoughts - we really loved and appreciated those!

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Food for Marriage: Love Tip - 2

Well, the Food for Marriage 2 week series is over. To recap what the 6 foods were;

1. Christ-Centered
2. Communication
3. Commitment
4. Quality Time
5. Intimacy
6. Support System

I wanted to include a picture of the Food for Marriage Pyramid so you all could print it out if you so desired as a friendly reminder.

Also, I wanted to include some love tips for ways to apply the things we discussed this week. As always I would encourage you to try at least 1 of the following 3 tips:

1. Quality Time - This weekend carve out some time to sit down with your spouse with no distractions. If you have kids, get a sitter for even an hour. No TV's, no computers, no answering or using phone, just the two of you. Take an hour or so to talk. Don't know what to talk about? Start with how his/her week has been. Or start with asking your spouse what their favorite memory of your marriage has been. Just spend some time together talking with one another about life. Too scary or awkward? Then plan a picnic, walk, day at an amusement park, or some other activity for the 2 of you to do together. Conversation will come along with the day. The point is to spend time together where it is just the two of you building relationship with one another.
2. Intimacy - Try planning something romantic for the two of you. (this is for married couples only :)) Maybe it's candles, light music, and...well, I am sure you can think of something ;) Try to really focus on being present with your spouse. Keep your mind there in the room with your spouse (try not to be thinking about the 500 things on your to do list or how you look or how you forgot to clean out the fridge). Eye contact is encouraged and vulnerable conversation is as well. See where the night leads and if you can up the connection between the two of you.
3. Support System - Sit down with your spouse and talk about who all is in your closest group of friends and family (who all do you spend the most time with, go to for advice, who do you consider your closest confidants outside of each other). Talk about some of the other people you might surround yourselves with that might not be quite as close. Then talk about the quality of friendships they are and if they encourage the marriage or not. If not, how can you maybe distance yourselves a bit. If so, how can you surround yourselves more with them and other people like them. If you aren't married and are just in a relationship, I would encourage you to still try this out. If you are single, I would still encourage you to examine your support system to see how is encouraging and holding you accountable for your actions.
   

Alright everyone, try it out and let me know what you think! Happy weekend! By the way, I would just like to take a moment to say Happy 1 year anniversary to the love of my life!!! It has been the most incredible year together, and I could not be more blessed!!! I love you Steve!!!!! <3>

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Food for Marriage: Support System

The sixth and final of the Food for Marriage is a support system. Marriage is challenging in and of itself. look It is a similar concept as the old African proverb "It takes a village to raise a child." Despite the fact that Western civilization prides itself on independence, we really are created for relationship. Westerners like to pretend and act like they don't need anyone else, but the truth is we do and are influenced by those who surround us whether we realize it or not. Who we have around us influencing us is something we must take a look at and get right.

Think back to the dating years....
Most people stress about making sure their boyfriend/girlfriend's friends like them. Most of the time that "approval" makes or breaks a relationship. The friends that surround each person have so much influence on the quality of relationship in several ways, and that really doesn't change as a married person. In fact, those surrounding people become even more important. If the friends surrounding each spouse do not like who that person is married too, it can be a very dangerous situation. Often they will speak ill of that person and plant negative seeds into that marriage. Additionally, the quality of friend is important because of the influence they have beyond just negativity toward the spouse or marriage. They may encourage the spouse to go out partying, go to places they shouldn't be, hang out with people they shouldn't hang out with, look at things they shouldn't look at, do things they shouldn't do, etc. I can't tell you how many times I have heard of disturbing situations that arose from being surrounded with the wrong friends. One girl I know is married with 2 kids, but her friends have encouraged her to leave them all at home while she goes out partying, "having fun," and just enjoying herself. The destruction being done to her, her marriage and the lives of her kids is extremely saddening. Several times I have heard of guys being taken out to strip clubs with their friends just because "that's what guys do and looking never hurt anyone." That's an absolute lie by the way (a discussion for another time). Another girl I know was engaged to a guy who was hanging out with a bunch of divorced and single guys. Eventually he was fed so much negativity about marriage that he just called everything off to pursue the "fun" single life. Time and time again, story after story, I have heard of situations like this resulting in or heading toward disaster for relationships and marriages. A poor choice in the friends that surround you can literally destroy a marriage.

What kind of friends should you have then? Well, I am not saying you can't have single friends and divorced friends or that you can never go out or have fun. What I am saying is that discretion in friends is essential to the success and quality of your marriage. Try to find friends and family who encourage your marriage. Ones who keep you in check and keep you accountable to your spouse, marriage, and responsibilities. Every single friend/family member surrounding you should be promoting the health of the marriage. If they aren't, then beware of that influence. Again, that doesn't mean you can never discuss problems or issues you are struggling with or that your friends/family can never speak into your life about some things they might see going on. What is their ultimate goal though? Are they bringing up things to help your marriage to ultimately become better? Are they going to listen and encourage you when you are struggling? You want friends/family surrounding you that can uplift you and your marriage. You want them to encourage positive behaviors in you and keep things in check if they might get a little out of line. Having people around you that are also married can help create accountability and encouragement. I love being around my parents and Steve's parents because they are still married, still going strong, and I know we can learn a thing or two from their journey and success. If your parents are divorced, try to find family members that are still married. Join a small group for couples at your church. Look for quality friends/family who are going to help your marriage, encourage your marriage, and promote it's growth, development, and health.

It is amazing to me how much influence the people have around us. Sometimes we are aware of the influence and sometimes we aren't. With marriage, we must be aware of the influences around us because we need them to be pro-marriage! Having a strong and great support system is absolutely imperative for the success of a marriage. It lifts you when you are down, encourages you when you are discouraged, keeps an eye out when yours are blinded, and just helps keep you going when things are tough. Plus, it is fun to be around people who are all sharing in life together with a mentality of happiness and growth. Surround yourself with a strong support system; it is crucial for you and your marriage!

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The New Logo!!

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to share the new logo for Little Wifey with you all! I am excited about it. It is another step in the growth and development of Little Wifey. Let me know what you think! Leave some comments for me:)

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Food for Marriage: Intimacy

Intimacy. I chose the word intimacy over sex intentionally because it more fully capitulates the point I want to make. My definition of intimacy is knowing someone on deeper levels that transcends average relationships and bonds - being completely vulnerable and completely protected at the same time. Sex has become so commercialized and glamorized in today's society that it unfortunately is not kept in the confounds of marriage a lot of times. Sex is something frequently tossed around casually by people in many contexts. Intimacy though is something that you can't just experience with anyone. Intimacy requires more attentiveness, time, and connection than sex does. It almost supersedes words because it is so surreal to have true intimacy with your spouse. It is a bond and experience that really just isn't fully realized if explored outside of marriage.

Intimacy is the fifth Food for Marriage I want to discuss. Every marriage needs intimacy. It connects us with our spouse in ways we cannot connect with anyone else. It is this amazing gift from God that allows us to know each other on such deep levels that they can barely be described really. They just have to be experienced. Sex is a frequent gateway for intimacy to be cultivated, but it goes beyond just the sexual act itself and reaches to the deeper connection. It is that realization that you are sharing something so phenomenal, exciting, and special with this person you will be with for the rest of your life. Intimacy can also be cultivated through deep conversations that you don't have and can't have with just anyone. You may share experiences that have shaped you, things no one else knows about, deep fear or hopes, etc. It is all about sharing yourself with your spouse in a way that is only possible within the safety of that marital bond.

Sharing yourself in the most vulnerable of ways and it being welcomed and protected by your spouse is something we all want and need. That intimacy is one of the best parts of marriage, and every marriage needs it. This is something that does come instantly but requires time and devotion to your spouse. You have to provide and feel that safety in order to truly experience the depths of intimacy in marriage. If you don't feel you can trust your spouse with your most vulnerable parts, intimacy will be choked out. Both spouses must work to provide that safety and security for each other, and then each take the risk of completely opening themselves up to their spouse in order to have true intimacy. It is essential to a marriage and one of the wonderful benefits of marriage!

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Food for Marriage: Quality Time

I don't know about you, but I find there is never enough time in the day to get everything done. It seems too like the older I get, the more time flies by. Time is one of the most limited resources out there today. As I mentioned in the introduction yesterday, we are constantly pulled in a million directions by a million commitments we have. There is so much at our finger tips these days and so much on our plates, that it's tough to find the time for everything. As much as these things can be a blessing, they can also be the pathway to marital problems.

Over-commitment and over-involvement in a laundry list of things can be majorly detrimental to marriage. Also as I mentioned yesterday in the introduction, it isn't that we should spend every waking moment at home and with our spouse and completely neglect responsibilities and community involvement. It is just that we have to learn how to balance it all and keep ourselves in check to make sure our marriages (and families) aren't suffering as a result of it. That brings me to the first food in the "Food for Marriage" series this week - Quality Time.

Quality time with your spouse is an essential and imperative component to the success and quality of marriage. Some people may require more or less of this, but every marriage needs some quality time to grow and thrive. Think back to the dating years... Most of us spent a ton of time with our spouses back then. We made time where there was none to be had even. Why? Because we enjoyed their company, wanted to get to know them, and were hoping things would progress forward in the relationship as a result. If you are married, you were successful at that. What happens after marriage though? After the "I dos?" We think our work is done. We start devoting ourselves to anything and everything, and before you know it, you've lost that lovin' feeling. (Come on, you all know that song by the Righteous Brothers - "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'"). Why do we stop putting forth the effort once we find the person worth committing
the rest of our lives to? Think about it - that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. We search the world over, find someone who peaks our interest, we work as hard as possible to get their attention and maintain their attention, we commit to being with them for life, and then we stop. The race doesn't end with our vows, it starts.

Time is one of our most precious resources. We are given one lifetime, which may seem like forever, but the reality is that it is a blink in time. Just ask a grandparent or elderly person how long a lifetime is, and they will tell you how it flies by. What are you going to do with your speck of time on Earth? It is funny because I remember my mom telling me to enjoy being a kid because it will fly by. She said time only goes by more quickly the older you get. I thought she was crazy because it seemed like it would be forever before I would grow up, and now that I am grown up, I see that time flies by more quickly than I could ever have imagined. It is kind of scary at times because I feel like I have wasted so much of my time here on Earth. That is why we must make the most of this time we are given, and one of the best ways you can spend that time given is developing one of the few things that stay with us throughout this short life - our marriage.

Quality time spent with our spouse is not only essential, it's wonderful. I am not going to lie, there is nothing I would rather do than spend time with my hubs! Straight up, I cannot get enough time with him. We spend time talking, working out, reading together, watching sports, going to amusement parks...you name it, we do it together and love every second of it. We grow so much closer in those moments because we enjoy each others company. We have fun together
and make memories that will last our lifetime together. Maintaining that friendship is one of the glues of marriage, and that can only be done by investing your time into one another and the marriage. I know, I know - there just aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done. You are talking to someone who at one point was pulling 75 hour weeks - full time, 2 year track Master's student, working full-time, traineeship with 8 clients & weekly supervision, personal therapy each week, planning a wedding across the country...finding time for anything was like chasing the wind. There are seasons where time is harder to find than others, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make time for one another! You must make time for your marriage, or it will not make it. If it does make it, there won't be much to it. If things are falling apart right now in your marriage, ask yourself how much quality time you have spent with one another. Make the time - rekindle the joys of those dating years and watch your relationship, friendship, and marriage grow!

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Food for Marriage: Introduction Week #2

Last week I introduced the topic of Food for Marriage, which is the concept that like the human body needs food and nutrients to survive, our marriages have similar needs. Marriage is a special and unique relationship that has so many fun and wonderful benefits. Sadly marriages have taken a turn for the worse, and we find that many people are struggling in their marriages and anything but enjoying the benefits of it. Marriage requires energy, effort, work, and a constant daily commitment to making it the best it can be. In today's society, we are pulled in so many directions. We have more obligations and commitments than ever, and in most situations, both spouses are outside the home a large portion of the time. Although these are wonderful opportunities allotted to us by the wave of the times, it has left a void in the home.

The more involvements and commitments each spouse has, the less time they are able to devote to the marriage and family (if children are involved). Now as always, I want to emphasize that I am not saying we should spend every waking minute at home and with our spouses or that community and other involvement is a negative thing. I am saying that over-involvement and over-commitment to a large number of things can be the demise of a marriage because there is no time or energy left for it. It is important to prioritize your commitments with marriage at the top of the list as well as provide the necessary nutrients to our marriages in order for them to be the best they can be.

This week we will be picking back up with the Food for Marriage series and discussing three more vitals for making the most of our marriages. As a refresher last week we went over the first three: Christ-centered, Commitment, and Communication. Feel free to go back and check those out if you missed any of them or if you just want to brush up. This week's three are:

• Quality Time
• Intimacy
• Support System

Be sure to join me this week!

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Food for Marriage: Love Tip

Happy Friday everyone!

As you know, we are currently talking about the essential components to keeping a marriage nourished and thriving. It is a 2-week series I call "Food for Marriage." I thought today we would take a little break from the articles to apply some of what we have learned this week. Let's take this menu and make it a meal :)

How can we apply the concepts from this week - Christ-centered, Commitment, and Communication - to our marriages? Well, I am guessing most of you are going to have a 3-day weekend. Woo hoo! It's the perfect time (no excuses for no time people!) to try out one or more of the following on your own marriage:

1. Christ-centered - This weekend take some time with your spouse to sit down and talk about where your relationship is at spiritually. Is God at all a part of your relationship? Is he the center? What could you do differently or better to have Christ be a real part of your marriage? You don't have to spend a ton of time on this, but at least 10 minutes so it's substantial enough to get somewhere. Then discuss some things that you each would like to be praying about (maybe it's your marriage, your kids, your job, your finances...you get the idea). Next, pray together giving each person a chance to pray for the things the other person mentioned. If your marriage is too estranged to do this, think about these things on your own and then pray for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.
   
2. Commitment - Sit down with your spouse and write down all of the things you are collectively and individually committed to (job, PTA meetings, small group, etc.). Rank their importance and put an approximate number of hours spent each week on those commitments. Tally those numbers for a grand total. On the same sheet of paper, write the words "Our Marriage." Pause for a minute and think about what you do to commit to your marriage. Do you set aside any specific time to just focus on the marriage? Write down a list of any and all things you do each week to nurture your marriage. Estimate how much time is spent doing those things. Now look at the 2 grand totals. Is it way lop-sided? Is it balanced? Talk about how you can up the time in the column spent on your marriage. How can you better commit to your marriage? If there just isn't enough time, figure out what you can take out of the other list of commitments to make time to commit more to your marriage. Our marriages have to be #1 in importance - even though we can't spend 40 hours a week on it, are you putting quality into it?
   
3. Communication - Each spouse write down 5 things they love about their spouse and 3 things each thinks are the biggest stumbling blocks or issues in the marriage. Next, put one of the pens aside and use one of the pens as the "speaking pen." Think of it as a microphone where only the person holding it can speak. The first person holding it should name the first thing on their love list about their spouse and explain why they chose that. After doing so, hand the pen "microphone" to the other person to let them comment if they desire or then list their first thing on the love list & why. Repeat this process for all 5 things on the love lists. Next repeat the same process for the 3 issues. The point of the exercise is to give space for each person to say their piece with love and respect and to build up our spouses and marriage. Then it allows the other person to repeat what they heard and how they feel about it. Once you have accomplished the lists, talk about what you had in common on the lists, what was challenging about the exercise, what you liked, and the overall experience.
   

Alright everyone - try at least one of these out this weekend. Let me know how it goes, what you thought, and all that good stuff! Enjoy the long weekend, and I will meet you back here on Monday (yup, I will still do a Monday entry) to continue the "Food for Marriage" series!

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Food for Marriage: Communication

How many of us have heard the saying "Communication is the key?" I have. Communication is the key to what though? Well, communication is definitely the key to marriage. Next on the menu of Food for Marriage is communication.

Communication. Ahhhh, where to begin. Communication is how we convey things (feelings, ideas, facts) to another person. Not only is there verbal communication but there is non-verbal communication: body language - how we position ourselves, eye contact, nodding, facial expressions, etc. In case you haven't figured it out yet, communicating is important in every single area of our lives. Whether it's work, family, friends, church, we have to be able to communicate with people. Marriage is an especially important area to be able to communicate in. Communicating gives us the opportunity to continue to get to know each other, build our relationship, take the temperature of the marriage, and enjoy one another. Not only communicating but knowing how to communicate is essential to a marriage.

Women and men communicate differently. One of the biggest communication stumbling blocks is the general view of what the point of communication is. Men typically feel that communication is meant for conveying facts and necessary information. Women typically feel that communication is meant to build relationship. Already we have a challenge. A classic situation that arises from this difference is as follows:

The husband gets home from work. Dinner isn't quite ready and the wife is frazzled. She begins to spew out all the stuff that went wrong during her day - the washer door popped open so I had a puddle to clean up, there was a huge line at the post office so I was late getting to my dentist appointment, I had a thousand phone calls to make, and then I forgot to pick up milk from the grocery store, so I had to make a run to the store, and now dinner is late. The husband looks at her with this almost horrified look and says, "What do you want me to do about it?" A fight erupts between the two of them.

Do you know what just happened here? There was a breakdown in communication branching from that fundamental difference in what communicating is for. Women often just need to vent about what is going on. They spew off a laundry list of things that occurred just to feel like someone cares and understands. Men hear this laundry list and think they are responsible for solving each of those problems. Men want to solve problems, and so they miss that women just need to be heard, which in turn upsets women because they feel like their husbands are insensitive. Men - 98% of the time, there is no problem to be fixed! Women just want you to listen, to care, and maybe dialogue a little bit about it so they can let off some stress and steam. Women - men are different from us and want to solve your "problems," so cut them some slack sometimes and explain what you are needing from the conversation.

That is just one obstacle of communicating, and truthfully there are too many to even mention in one article. The main point I want to emphasize is that communication is important. If there is a breakdown in communication (the big warning sign flashing is when an argument begins to erupt), take a step back and ask if there is a fundamental difference in what the two of you are communicating. Try to be clear about what you need from a conversation. Women, understand that men are different from us. You don't see little boys on the playground gathered together with their friends talking and playing dolls. No, they are out doing things together like playing baseball. Girls are talkers, and we have to try to be patient with our men. Men, you gotta bust out of your shells and realize communication is an important part of your marriage and relationship with your wife. I know it's tough, but really try to work on communicating and listening. It builds intimacy and makes your wife feel loved, plus you will probably feel better too. If you are struggling with this - tell her that, and you can work through it together.

One more specific area of communication I wanted to touch on is affirmation. Affirming your spouse is so important! We can build people up with our communication or tear them down. If you want your marriage to thrive, you must always be building when you are communicating. That doesn't mean you never talk about the tough stuff, but you are always aware of the other person's feelings when doing so. Affirmation is really important to both men and women, but men especially show a tendency toward needing this. Make sure to not just point out what your husband forgot to do or isn't good at. Tell him what he did well. Examples: "Honey, thank you for taking the trash out. I really appreciate you taking care of that for me." "Thanks for how hard you work honey. You are such an amazing provider." Men, don't be afraid to do the same for your wife. "Sweetheart, you are the most gorgeous woman." "Honey, your dinner tonight was spectacular. Thanks for taking care of me." A little bit goes a long way. Build, build, build your spouse up, and your marriage will follow!

Communication is so important. A lot of things get missed or confused when we don't communicate effectively with one another. The good news is that over time you learn each other more and more, and it becomes a little easier. The worst thing you can do is to give up and stop communicating! That is a recipe for disaster. You must keep communicating with one another - build that intimacy and relationship, enjoy each others company, learn about each other and what is going on in your lives, and keep your marriage on track. Don't forget that your body language is communicating right alongside your mouth, so keep that in check. Be honest with one another but always do it in a loving and respectful way.

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Food for Marriage: Commitment

The second food in my Food for Marriage pyramid is commitment. Commitment is defined by Merriam Webster as:

2a: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future b: something pledged c: the state or an instance of being obligated to emotionally impelled commitment to a cause

I have discussed commitment previously (check out "Love is Intentional: Making a Vow" and "Love is Intentional: Daily Re-Commitment"), and I want to emphasize the importance of it once again. Commitment to marriage is like the heartbeat of marriage; you must exercise it and keep it going if you want the marriage to survive. So many people do not realize that marriage is a commitment; we are vowing that we will stick it out, make the most of it, love and care for our spouse, and do everything we can to nurture our marriage for the rest of our lives. It isn't a feeling or emotion - those change moment by moment. If you are basing your marriage on a fleeting feeling or emotion, then it will most certainly fail. Marriage is a commitment that you must make for life if you want the marriage to make it and thrive. It is that strong footing for which you can place everything upon. Think of a mountain climber. Now I am not a climber myself; I am afraid of heights, but I am familiar with the concept of climbing (I know people and have done one of those climbing walls...haha). Having a strong footing is important; you can't take the next step if you don't have something to push off of. Commitment is that strong footing on a journey up the mountain of life in marriage. Without it, you aren't going anywhere but down.

Marriage isn't something you fell into. The world often says that you fall in love and get married. The reality is that you should spend enough time with a person to establish if they are someone you want to commit to for life in a commitment called marriage. It isn't about falling into anything. It goes back to the fundamental concept that we choose what decisions we make, how we act, how we react, etc. Marriage is a commitment, and it's only going to be as good and strong as the commitment you are willing to make to it and your spouse. Part of that commitment is self-sacrifice. It is that other-oriented mentality. Now I am not encouraging anyone to completely give up their self-identity or to enter into an abusive relationship. What I am saying though is that if you want your marriage to work, if you want your spouse to be happy in the marriage, if you want to be happy in the marriage, if you want your marriage to be the best it can be...you have to start thinking about your spouse. When you enter into a marriage, you are giving up the right to just live for yourself. It's now a joint effort, and everything you do, every decision you make affects someone else. You must start thinking about the other person - their needs, what's best for the marriage, their wants. Maybe you really want to buy a new boat, so you start just putting "your" money aside so you can save up and buy one. Meanwhile, there are some debts that could be paid off, or maybe you really need a few things around the house. It's not about what you want anymore - what do both of you want. If you both want that boat and can really afford it without putting a strain on your finances and marriage, then go for it. But if it's a bone of contention because your spouse knows there are other things that money could and should be spent on, then you need to accept that responsibility. It's not "your" money anymore - it's "our" money. Get outside of yourself and focus on making the marriage work and the other person happy. In the end it will make you happier anyway because your marriage will be thriving and your spouse will happily married.

We so easily commit to so many things - guys/girls night out every month, our jobs, watching TV, even church functions. We commit ourselves to so many things and leave our marriage and family hanging. Although there are other things we need and want to commit to, we can't leave our marriages in the dust. Commitment to the marriage should be the first and foremost commitment at all times with everything else falling in line. The commitment can't be half-hearted or else it's pointless. You must fully commit each and every day to your marriage - making the most of it and being the best spouse possible.

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