How many of us have heard the saying "Communication is the key?" I have. Communication is the key to what though? Well, communication is definitely the key to marriage. Next on the menu of Food for Marriage is communication.
Communication. Ahhhh, where to begin. Communication is how we convey things (feelings, ideas, facts) to another person. Not only is there verbal communication but there is non-verbal communication: body language - how we position ourselves, eye contact, nodding, facial expressions, etc. In case you haven't figured it out yet, communicating is important in every single area of our lives. Whether it's work, family, friends, church, we have to be able to communicate with people. Marriage is an especially important area to be able to communicate in. Communicating gives us the opportunity to continue to get to know each other, build our relationship, take the temperature of the marriage, and enjoy one another. Not only communicating but knowing how to communicate is essential to a marriage.
Women and men communicate differently. One of the biggest communication stumbling blocks is the general view of what the point of communication is. Men typically feel that communication is meant for conveying facts and necessary information. Women typically feel that communication is meant to build relationship. Already we have a challenge. A classic situation that arises from this difference is as follows:
The husband gets home from work. Dinner isn't quite ready and the wife is frazzled. She begins to spew out all the stuff that went wrong during her day - the washer door popped open so I had a puddle to clean up, there was a huge line at the post office so I was late getting to my dentist appointment, I had a thousand phone calls to make, and then I forgot to pick up milk from the grocery store, so I had to make a run to the store, and now dinner is late. The husband looks at her with this almost horrified look and says, "What do you want me to do about it?" A fight erupts between the two of them.
Do you know what just happened here? There was a breakdown in communication branching from that fundamental difference in what communicating is for. Women often just need to vent about what is going on. They spew off a laundry list of things that occurred just to feel like someone cares and understands. Men hear this laundry list and think they are responsible for solving each of those problems. Men want to solve problems, and so they miss that women just need to be heard, which in turn upsets women because they feel like their husbands are insensitive. Men - 98% of the time, there is no problem to be fixed! Women just want you to listen, to care, and maybe dialogue a little bit about it so they can let off some stress and steam. Women - men are different from us and want to solve your "problems," so cut them some slack sometimes and explain what you are needing from the conversation.
That is just one obstacle of communicating, and truthfully there are too many to even mention in one article. The main point I want to emphasize is that communication is important. If there is a breakdown in communication (the big warning sign flashing is when an argument begins to erupt), take a step back and ask if there is a fundamental difference in what the two of you are communicating. Try to be clear about what you need from a conversation. Women, understand that men are different from us. You don't see little boys on the playground gathered together with their friends talking and playing dolls. No, they are out doing things together like playing baseball. Girls are talkers, and we have to try to be patient with our men. Men, you gotta bust out of your shells and realize communication is an important part of your marriage and relationship with your wife. I know it's tough, but really try to work on communicating and listening. It builds intimacy and makes your wife feel loved, plus you will probably feel better too. If you are struggling with this - tell her that, and you can work through it together.
One more specific area of communication I wanted to touch on is affirmation. Affirming your spouse is so important! We can build people up with our communication or tear them down. If you want your marriage to thrive, you must always be building when you are communicating. That doesn't mean you never talk about the tough stuff, but you are always aware of the other person's feelings when doing so. Affirmation is really important to both men and women, but men especially show a tendency toward needing this. Make sure to not just point out what your husband forgot to do or isn't good at. Tell him what he did well. Examples: "Honey, thank you for taking the trash out. I really appreciate you taking care of that for me." "Thanks for how hard you work honey. You are such an amazing provider." Men, don't be afraid to do the same for your wife. "Sweetheart, you are the most gorgeous woman." "Honey, your dinner tonight was spectacular. Thanks for taking care of me." A little bit goes a long way. Build, build, build your spouse up, and your marriage will follow!
Communication is so important. A lot of things get missed or confused when we don't communicate effectively with one another. The good news is that over time you learn each other more and more, and it becomes a little easier. The worst thing you can do is to give up and stop communicating! That is a recipe for disaster. You must keep communicating with one another - build that intimacy and relationship, enjoy each others company, learn about each other and what is going on in your lives, and keep your marriage on track. Don't forget that your body language is communicating right alongside your mouth, so keep that in check. Be honest with one another but always do it in a loving and respectful way.
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2 comments:
While I agree with you that affirmation is important in a relationship, I disagree with the way that you use traditional gender roles in your writing. It's the 21st Century! Most women actually have jobs and contribute to providing for the household, and I know a lot of husbands who cook dinner every night. Just because certain behaviors are traditionally associated with men or women does not mean that there isn't a lot of variance within a gender for how they behave. I actually think it is harmful to make these gross generalizations about the way that men and women communicate and behave because a lot of times it is the individual's personality that you have to accommodate. Some men need to vent, some women are factual, some men need a lot of emotional sharing, some women need sex! Just something to keep in mind...
Anonymous - I appreciate your feedback! I absolutely agree with you that there are vast variances within the roles of husbands and wives these days. I have always been a working women, and my husband loves cooking. I am well aware of those variances, as they exist within the context of my own marriage. The truth of the matter is though that no matter what century it is, we have biological differences that exist. My husband, although very sensitive, just does not have the same physiological structure that I have. Women are wired IN GENERAL to be more sensitive, communicators, and emotional. Men are wired IN GENERAL to be more rational and logical. It is scientifically proven and displayed in our brain composition and structure. I can recommend several books for you if you would like to check it out for yourself. That being said, there are exceptions to every rule, all of this falls on a continuum with each person having varying degrees in either direction, and we are all capable of working on balancing out the areas that aren't necessarily biologically "given" to us.
I would throw caution out there as well that although things have changed and we are in the 21st century, all of the movement from traditional values and roles is not necessarily a good thing. The more we have moved from that, the more our families, marriages, and homes have fallen apart. Divorce rates have sky-rocketed, adultery is on the rise, marital satisfaction has decreased, children are being raised by entertainment and friends. There are a lot of negatives that have resulted from these changes. There is no shame though in accepting and embracing our natural roles. I am well aware of the movement away from traditional roles. Again, there are always exceptions to every single rule (which I always try to make mention of that), but there are also cold hard scientific facts showing that each gender has natural tendencies. That doesn't mean that women don't need sex (I think most would argue they do in fact!) or that some men don't need a lot of emotional connection; it just means that physiologically we are wired with men having more of a need typically for sex and women having more of a need typically for emotional connectedness. No matter who is doing what or who needs what though, we can't forget about our marriages, families, and homes!
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts! I appreciate the feedback and effort!
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