Common Challenges: Infidelity

Infidelity is marital disloyalty, a breach of trust, or a disloyal act. Now everyone defines infidelity differently, but each couple should have the discussion to define what it is in their marriage. Although infidelity is defined differently from one home to the next, I personally have a very thorough inclusion of what it is. My belief is that infidelity is any disloyalty to the marriage including affairs, pornography, emotional involvement (typically with the opposite gender) with people outside the marriage, and even lust to any degree. Sounds harsh to some of you, I am sure, but it is safeguarding my marriage. The truth is, all of those things I listed above have a long history of destroying marriages. Sure, it may start out as harmless but rarely does it end up there. My philosophy is to stop infidelity before it starts by not allowing these things to even be entertained in the slightest way in my home. Personally, everyone needs to have that stance with adultery being the #2 reason for divorce.

The sad truth is that infidelity, particularly affairs, are rarely some random surprise. They are typically a symptom of a greater problem. What do I mean? Well, a lot of times communication may stop in a marriage, or communication turns hostile and volatile, or intimacy & friendship die in the marriage, and soon one or both of the spouses feel their needs aren't being met. Rather than being able to turn to one another and work through things, people often turn outside the marriage for their needs to be met. Often it's that guy at work that just makes the wife feel so good about herself because he showers her with compliments and listens like she hasn't been listened to in a long time. Or it's that sexy lady at work that flirts with the husband, making him feel desirable and manly, and soon she is offering to meet his sexual needs. Affairs creep in when a marriage is already struggling and weak. As a Christian I believe that Satan allows a marriage to slowly deteriorate, and then he lures the bait in front of each spouse to go in for the kill. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but regardless, affairs are typically a symptom of a greater problem.

Time and time again, marriages are destroyed by infidelity. Things start breaking down in the marriage, one or both spouses turn outside the marriage to something or someone else, and soon a divorce comes knocking at your door. What do I mean by turning to something else outside of marriage? People aren't the only things luring us away from our marriages and into infidelity. There are many things out there offering up the same destruction. One of the biggest things is pornography. Nowadays it is everywhere. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have just turned off a show or movie because it always ends up with someone naked in front of us. Billboards, TV, commercials, magazines, the internet....it is everywhere. They say sex sells, and "they" are more than obliged to sell it. Pornography is a subject that I will go much more in depth with later because it's a very important subject that is destroying marriages and lives at a rapid rate that isn't being discussed. I have heard guys and girls say that it is just what guys do, and it doesn't really hurt anyone (now I know this isn't only a male thing because there are plenty of women who indulge in porn as well as create the porn for people to view, but the vast majority of people who view porn are male, that's just a fact). It cannot be expressed enough how devastating and wrong that statement is though. It isn't just what guys do, and that shouldn't be the standard for anyone. Pornography is ridiculously destructive, so much so that I will be doing a whole series on that at one point. Point being, pornography is a huge means for infidelity in marriages. Other major players can be alcohol, drugs, and romance novels. Anything that is "fulfilling" a need that the marriage should be is no good and can easily eventually lead to the demise of your marriage. Another big thing that lures people away from their marriages? The concept of the grass is greener on the other side. You know...that guy at work that can't keep his eyes off of you would be such a better husband...that girl at work would always show you respect...right? WRONG! The grass is never greener on the other side, and if you ask most people in that other grass, they will tell you that the original grass was in fact as good as it got. Every single relationship in your life will be hard work and plagued with issues to work through. You might as well start working through them now with the spouse you are with.

My views on infidelity may seem extreme, but that is because I know too much. Infidelity always starts out "innocent" and ends with destruction. Taking a hard stance on it helps prevent that door from creeping open. Now my hope is not to condemn people or make people feel judged and shamed in this article. That is never my objective at all. It is simply to express passionately that I want your marriages to be protected from destruction. If you have fallen victim to infidelity or have committed it, I do believe there is hope, healing, and restoration. It can be a painful and difficult process but definitely possible. My biggest suggestion would be to get professional help to begin that road of healing. I cannot express enough though the importance of working hard at your marriage, checking in with your spouse to make sure their love tank is being filled by you, putting the time and energy necessary into your marriage and relationship, and completely avoiding dangerous situations that could lead to unfaithfulness in your marriage!

One last thing...If you want to see more, learn more, hear more about adultery and affairs, there is an amazing pastor Ed Young that will be stepping up to debate adultery this Thursday, September 24 at 11:35pm EST on ABC. It should be really interesting and good, so make sure to check it out. If you want to get a little more info, check out the website at http://www.edyoung.com/nightline.php