Yesterday I talked about the reality of divorce; that it isn't a clean slate but rather a whole new set of problems. In Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor says it well about divorce, "it doesn't eliminate the relational dysfunction evidenced in the marriage. Marriage problems are relationship problems, they are the result of how two people interact with each other. You may abandon a troubled marriage, but you will still bring the way you interact with others along with you." That being said, I want to take a moment to highlight some points about sticking it out with the one you are with.
Things may seem overwhelming and unbearable right now, but I would ask that you would pause for a second and think about the following things. You chose this person, and they chose you out of the 6.791 billion people in the world. Think about that...that's a pretty big deal and saying a heck of a lot about what you think about each other. Also, I would ask you to stop and think about all the time, energy, love, memories, and overall investments you have been putting into this marriage to date. Do you really want to throw that all away and try to start over with someone who doesn't know you at all? Someone you have to start all over with from scratch? There was a point in time where your relationship with your spouse was good and happy, or you wouldn't have chosen them and/or wanted to be with them for the rest of your life. Where did you lose that? Why did you lose that? How do you get back to a place where you love and respect one another? Where you cherish your marriage? Those are the types of questions to be asking yourself when considering divorce. You have a deep history with this person - a combined life, possibly children (which are a visible product of your oneness and unity), shared memories, shared assets. Divorce doesn't rid you of that history. It doesn't let you start from scratch. Divorce is a devastating and painful process that leaves you broken in a lot of ways. Are you really better off for taking that option?
Think about the reality of divorce - the pain, the expense, the awkwardness, the effect on your children, family and friends, the mental & physical toll on you and your spouse, the reality that these relational issues may certainly follow you into the next relationship. Think about your marriage - you chose this person out of all the other options in the world, you vowed your life and faithfulness to this person, you have a history with this person, you love this person (even if you don't feel it at the moment). Honestly, I have heard it time and time again, it is better to work it out with the one you are with than to choose the painful path of divorce.
People think that unhappy marriages leave them with two options - #1) Get a divorce and be happy, or #2) Stay in the marriage and be miserable for the rest of their lives. Those aren't the only two options. Linda Waite, with the University of Chicago and a team of leading family scholars found that "two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later." This is encouraging news people! There is hope for your marriage, but you have to stick it out, fight for it, do your part to reap the rewards. Keep in mind that all those negatives that I mentioned yesterday as resulting from divorce, the opposite is true for marriages - your finances are better off, your mental and physical health are increased, your kids have a healthier and better life, spiritually you are stronger and united, your friends and family stay united and aren't hurt...the list goes on.
My biggest point in all of this isn't to hurt anyone or make anyone feel condemned. My goal is to get you to examine the reality of divorce versus the benefits of staying married. We often get disillusioned about "the other side" and think the grass is greener. The reality is that it isn't, and you need to be aware of and prepared for that reality so that you can make the best and right decision for you and your family.
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4 comments:
Just wondering, if the bible tells us what God has joined together, let no-one separate, is the divorce the end? Or is a just an extention of problems harder to understand or fix?
Divorce, for me has brought more pain then I could ever have imagined or would want to share, family problems and financial hardship!!! "easy way out?"
You got to admit it, everyone these days are going it!
Anonymous #1 - Thanks for commenting! You bring up a great point. The Bible does tell us that "what God has brought together, let now man put asunder." Divorce may separate the physical, but I don't believe it separates the spiritual and emotional, which is why I think it is so painful and complicated. Great point - thanks!
Anonymous #2 - Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with us! You are not alone in your hardships, which is why it's so important to get the message out to people that nothing about divorce is "easy!" I am so sorry to hear that you have had to experience so much pain, and I pray for healing and recovery in your life! Thank you so much for your comment!
Anonymous #3 - Thanks for the comment! I believe you are referring to that fact that a lot of couples are getting a divorce, and unfortunately you are right. Divorce rates are so high, and they seem to only be increasing as time goes on. I am definitely aware of the fact that divorce is everywhere, which is why I want to get the awareness out there that it's not the "easy way out," but in fact very devastating & painful for everyone involved, leaving an even more complicated and painful situation remaining.
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