The Last Straw: A Look at Divorce

So you don't think you can take it anymore? There's no way to make it work? You just don't love each other anymore? You can't stay in this marriage a moment longer? Divorce is the only answer, right? Well, what exactly does that option look like and what does it entail? Is the divorced life really better than trying to make it with your spouse? Let's examine these questions.

A lot of people believe that marriages are happy, just because they are. They think marital bliss is just part of the package, and when it isn't, they want out. Mark Gungor says it well in his book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, "It's not that there is not bliss to be had--there is; it's that bliss that comes only after blisters. Marital bliss is the result of marital blisters--lots of hard work, where you work till it hurts, sometimes till you bleed." Many times people think that happy marriages should happen just because. Good marriage, happy marriages, strong marriages...they all happen because you put the necessary work and effort into it. Marrying "the right person" means nothing if you aren't willing to put in the time and dedication needed to your marriage. Mark Gungor also says that "marriage is a process, not a product." What he means by that is that we aren't walking in to this already good-to-go thing where there's no assembly required. Marriage is a path, a journey that requires a ton of energy, lots of "I'm sorry's," one too many sleepless nights, days of despair, as much patience and love as you can muster, more prayers than you thought you could conjure up, wisdom beyond measure, and a death to selfishness & awakening to selflessness.

That's all well and good, but what is the reality of getting a divorce? Most people think that when things just get "too tough" in their marriage that the best thing to do is run the other way and get a divorce. They think that divorce has to be better than the marriage that they are in. The unfortunate reality is that divorce isn't running away from your problems so much as it is running toward a whole new set of problems. The reality of divorce is that it is a very challenging, difficult, and taxing thing that has the following new set of problems waiting for you:

• Children - Many people believe that divorce is a better alternative to the well-being of a child than to be in a "hostile" home. While being around parents who constantly fight isn't ideal, statistics show that children are not okay after divorce. They are subjected to emotional trauma that stays with them throughout their life. They are less likely to have a successful marriage as well compared to those children whose parents stayed together. The effects of divorce on children are devastating and often life lingering.
  
• Finances - Divorces take devastating blows to each person's financial standing. Divorce severely lowers the standard of living. 60% of people under the poverty guidelines are divorced women and children. Attorney fees, court fees, dividing assets, divided incomes, child support...they all lead to devastating effects on each individual's financial status & standard of living as well as the children involved.
• Mental Health - Studies show that divorced people are less happy and have a higher risk of substance abuse. Depression is 3 times greater in women who divorce than in those who do not. Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce including things like depression, hostility, self-acceptance issues, personal growth issues, and lowered positive relations with others.
  
• Physical Health - Divorced people are shown to be less healthy. The life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people, who have the longest life expectancies. The overall health consequences of divorces are extremely severe, and health studies conclude that not only are married couples the most likely to recover from illnesses (including terminal illnesses like cancer), but divorced individuals suffer from a long-term impact on their physical health due to the emotional trauma of the divorce.
  

These are just some of the main areas affected by divorce. There is of course spiritual and religious implications as well. On top of all of these issues, you aren't even fully rid of your spouse because if kids are involved, you will have to encounter them for visitations, family functions, holidays, important events, etc. You will never really be "rid" of you ex even if you do divorce. Not only are you and your children affected by divorce but all of the family and friends are involved too and are stuck enduring the painful process as well. It's a painful, destructive situation for everyone involved.

One of the other things I really want to point out is re-marriage. To be honest I cannot recount a single person I know that has been divorced that has said they were glad they did it. In fact, every person I know that has divorced and re-married has told me that they wished they had just stuck it out with their first spouse. They say that a new spouse only means a whole new set of problems and issues but it's compounded by all the baggage, hurt, and issues from the last. Someone very close to me said the following about their post-divorce situation, "I wished I had just stuck with my first spouse. Every day I have to wake up feeling like I am living a lie because I am so miserable with the decision I made. Now I am just trying to make it work with my second wife, but we have more problems than I did with my first wife. I should have just did the work I needed to in the first marriage, and we all would have been much better off."

I want to close by saying that I know some of you may be up in arms about this article. It may strike a chord or hit a nerve. I want to say that if you are divorced and/or re-married, I do believe there is hope for you and a chance for a happy life and marriage. It's going to require a lot of time, energy, and work though. The point of this article though is point out that there is a lot of disillusionment about divorce. It's not the easy way out at all...it's the very long, painful, and damaging path.