My hope is that this series "The Last Straw" has spoken to you and encouraged you to fight for your marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I really believe you will be at the end of it all looking back. While the road ahead of you may not be the easiest and it will most likely entail some time, patience and pain, keep moving forward together. I wanted to end the series with a few love tips that might help you on your journey to healing.
Get back to the basics! One of the first things to do, and one of the best things you can do it to set aside time this weekend to sit down with your spouse and spend quality time together getting on the same page. Start out the conversation with saying that you cherish your spouse and your marriage and just want to try and figure out where to go from here. Try to lovingly and sincerely discuss where some of the problem areas are in the marriage, leaving space for your spouse to express with honesty where he/she is at. Try to respectfully state where you are at and how you are feeling and then allow your spouse the same opportunity. Try to get on the same page with committing to making your marriage better, and come up with a game plan on how to do that. Maybe you start with seeking out professional help - sit down and get some names together and start calling together to set up an appointment. Maybe it's to start spending quality time together once a week where you try to enjoy one another's company and still work through some things. You know what your situation is, so try to take this as an opportunity to work on a problem together. Your spouse isn't the problem. You aren't the problem. There is a problem though that's causing difficultly in the marriage - identify that problem and work together to try to solve it.
I understand this may sound oversimplified or just too awkward to think about doing, but I really think that if you just take that step of faith, it will be worth your while. Remember though to not approach it as a potential fight but rather as a moment of sincerity and desperation to make your marriage better. If you have that sincerity and love in your heart, then that's what you will be communicating verbally and non-verbally rather than hostility. If things get a little heated, try to bring it back to, "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I want to fight for you and our marriage. Please, can't we do our best to figure out what the problems are and how we can go about trying to solve them?" Love and respect...they will take you so far in situations like these. Remember, your spouse isn't the problem, there is just a breakdown somewhere that needs adjustments. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It may seem daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, but trust me, it's the easier and way better path than divorce.
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12 comments:
You know the bible is rather interesting, as I found these scriptures that go along with your writings. Prov 12:25, Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad. (So what we say to each other does make a difference in the outcome. Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. I Co 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (This a what I keep out in front so I have something that guides me and work, and I mean work toward.
Saying I love you, offers these things to our spouse or children and they may not always deserve it, but we love them anyway. (That is LOVE) Through the Good and Bad times.
Love to me is NO refunds, NO returns, Commitment!
Anonymous #1 - Thank you so much for writing! It thrills me that you shared those verses with us because they really do spell things out pretty clearly for us. They are fantastic, wonderful, and wise verses to keep in the front of your mind and marriage, and I am so thrilled to hear that's what you are doing. The Bible provides us with such wonderful portraits of what love requires and looks like. Thanks so much for sharing your encouragement with us!
Anonymous #2 - You hit the nail on the head...it's not about whether or not our spouse or child deserves our love. It's about giving and displaying love at all times regardless. That's the miracle of love and the true essence/meaning of it! Thanks for sharing your wisdom and insight!
Anonymous #3 - Great comment! I am excited to hear someone feels that way. You are right on...no conditions just commitment! Thanks for sharing!
THE BIBLE is the RULE Book! How often do we read it? Look up Love, forgiveness and Kindness, just for starters in the back of your bible. (The Concordance) That is where you will get "the true definition and example" of each word we struggle with in marriage or divorce.
I can't tell you how many countless times I have seen and listened to couples after the divorce is final the results are not at all what they thought it was going to be. Plus 10-15 years after the divorce,the out come of the children, now adults tells another side of this story.
I do know that this is off your subject, but I find myself many times over-whelmed by other people in my life, my children or my spouse' life that takes advantage of us! They are usually people in authority, ones I can't tell where to get off or what I think of them! The point is, I get so angry, and upset with these individuals, who think it is okay to use people and love their money/things, just because I can't deal with it, I end up taking it out on...my children...my husband!!!!! Now that causes problems over and over in my family!! You know,....hurt the ones you love?
Today, everyone and everything is calling for our attention. I know, I feel so used and not really appreciated most of the time. It takes every thing I have, to make time amd to put my husband and children first. It either my job, the church, schools, dance, sports, friends, errands, on and on they all demand my time and attention. I couldn't imagine being a single parent, or one in the dating game.
Anonymous #4 - Thanks for the comment! You are definitely right; that's why I love the acronym for the Bible as Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. It really does provide so much insight and direction for us if we would just be willing to take a glance at it. Thanks for the comment and suggestion to look up those words in the concordance...good stuff!
Anonymous #5 - Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us! You are so right; couple after couple, person after person, child after child, time after time are all saying the same thing that divorce is not what it's cracked up to be. It's such a devastating and painful process that leaves a trail of brokenness and hurt. That's why I so desperately want people to hear things like you are saying as well as the reality of divorce, and the benefits of staying married. Thanks for sharing!
Anonymous #6 - Thank you so much for writing and sharing your personal situation! You know, it's not really off the subject at all because that is something that impacts most marriages and can really cause a lot of problems. It's very challenging to find yourself in situations where you don't feel you have a voice and then the the release happens on your family. Trust me, you are not alone in that situation, and I think all too often we all "hurt the ones we love." My biggest encouragement would be to try to find an outlet for yourself where you can release some of that frustration - exercising, journaling, creativity, etc. When I get bogged down with frustrations, anger, or any overwhelming emotion, I like to go running. Also, try to use those things as a means of communicating with your family. Instead of lashing out at them, talk to them about where you are at. You may find that your spouse and kids (depending on their age) are sharing your frustrations and are looking for an outlet as well. Before you know it, you are bonding over those things instead of hurting them. Hope this helps. Hang in there, and thanks so much for sharing!
Anonymous #7 - Thanks for writing! You are totally right. One of the biggest problems today is the amount of things begging for our attention. We are pulled in a thousand directions every day, and if we aren't careful we are easily pulled away from the very people that deserve our best. It's tough at times but every day we have to prioritize our spouse and children if we want to have a happy marriage and family. I am thrilled to hear that you are fighting the good fight and making the right decision with your family! You will never regret it. You are right too - singly parent or one in the dating game would be a pretty tough situation. Thanks so much for sharing; I appreciate it!
Question, what if your spouse has been unfaithful? Does that make this "divorce" a different story? Is there hope in that marriage? Is one better to cut their loses and run? I know of couples that "work" it out and those who can't...What is your take?
Is there forgiveness for that type of "sin"? And is there trust issues the rest of the marriage? Do I have to forgive?
Where would one begin if there is unfaithfulness? How can my marriage be healed? I am left to wonder if I may have played a part in this unfaithfulness.
Anonymous #8 - Thank you so much for asking some tough questions! Unfaithfulness is such a painful thing and is a tough one to recover from. To be very honest, I don't believe that it warrants a divorce because I do believe there is hope and healing still possible for the marriage. One of the toughest things about unfaithfulness is building that trust up again in a marriage, which is why a lot of them don't recover. The truth of the matter is that unfaithfulness often requires a lot of hard work to recover from and definitely safeguarding your marriage from those same situations and potential mistakes. There are 3 major requirements for a marriage to move forward after unfaithfulness - #1) the affair has to stop and ties must be cut from that person, #2) both spouses must recommit to doing whatever it takes to move forward, and #3) the other spouse must be willing to forgive on their own accord. Nothing your spouse does will ever "earn" your forgiveness; you must offer it freely. That's obviously easier said than done. There is forgiveness for every "sin," even unfaithfulness, but there are still consequences that you both suffer unfortunately. When there is unfaithfulness, I would highly recommend going to a professional because it's such a tough thing to tackle, and a professional can really help give you the best shot at recovering fully. Thank you so much for your comment, for your questions, and for sharing!!
Anonymous #9 - Thank you so much for sharing your comment with us! I touched a lot on unfaithfulness in the above response to Anonymous #8, so you might want to read that as well. Unfaithfulness is so devastating, but I do believe in healing after. It will most likely be a difficult, painful, and slow process, but I do believe in healing for a marriage after unfaithfulness. That being said, it's tough to really give specific ways of being able to heal your marriage on here because of a lack of details with your specific situation as well as the magnitude of that process. My biggest recommendation would be to get professional help from someone. There are a ton of resources out there, some offering lower fees than others. Churches are a great starting point. If you need help finding something, let me know, and I can try to help point you in the right direction. In reference to your last question, well the truth is that unfaithfulness is typically a symptom of bigger problems in a marriage. I wouldn't go beating myself up over it though because marriage is a delicate dance between 2 people, and each person has to play their part for the marriage to work. All you can do now is deal with the situation at hand - talk with your spouse about where to go from here. Is the affair over? Does he/she want to make this marriage work? Where can you go to get the help you need? It's time for a tough conversation and to roll up your sleeves to do some serious work. I really believe in healing post-affair though, so I would encourage you to get help and do your best to try to make this a building block not a stumbling block in your marriage. Let me know if there is anything else I can offer/do for you! Thanks again for sharing, and I will be praying for your situation!
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