Steve and I were in a wedding this past weekend. He was the best man, and I was a matron of honor. It reminded me of the importance of family and friends in a marriage. Steve and I were discussing how "best man" and "matron of honor" aren't just titles but rather responsibilities and accountability to the couple and to God to help this marriage. As I stood on the stage beside the bride, I looked out at the faces joining us that day, and my prayer was that each person would come around this couple to keep them accountable to one another and their vows. Family and friends play an important role in the success of marriages.
Something I have placed great emphasis on in previous articles is the role of family and friends. My main point is always that no one should ever come between but should always come around a couple. You want and need to be surrounded by people that will encourage you as a couple and always promote your marriage. Anyone who is destructive to your marriage or a negative influence to its growth should not be given access to influencing you. Protect your marriage by making sure that the people around you are always keeping you accountable, promoting your marriage, and encouraging your marriage (for more info, check out my previous article titled "Common Challenges: Family & Friends").
Right now, I want to specifically address if you are dealing with a situation where someone you care about is facing divorce. What should you do? What shouldn't you do? My goal is to give you some direction. The first thing to remember is that your "job" is to always promote the growth and health of your loved one's marriage. Try not to ever come between a couple but rather come around them. Remind them that all couples go through challenging times, and in fact, they too have gone through challenging times before. They have made it through it before, and you believe they can make it through this as well coming out stronger on the other side. Reflect upon their strengths - "You guys are such a great pair." "You are a strong couple." "If anyone can make it, it's you two." Reflect upon their commitments - "This is not an easy situation, but remember that the kids really need you guys to pull through this and show them a wonderful example of what married life is like." "I remember standing there on your wedding day hearing you say your vows to one another, and guess what? This is that 'for better or worse' part. Hang in there!" Encourage, encourage, encourage! It's a delicate balance, but coupling commitment, responsibility, and accountability with encouragement is really important. Also, depending on how severe the situation is, encouraging them to get professional help and even offering some suggestions of places to go is always a great idea. Finally, pray for them! Prayer is powerful, and this couple could really use all the prayer they can get. Remember, your role is to come alongside this couple to encourage their marriage.
On the flip side, there are some things I would really recommend avoiding if you are the family or friend of a couple on the verge of divorce or really struggling. Don't come between them! You definitely want to provide them with an outlet, but don't allow them to become emotionally dependent on you. Lend a listening ear, and then encourage them to speak with their spouse about their situation and how they are feeling. Don't be "the straw that breaks the camels back." In other words, if someone comes to you and thinks they just can't stay in their marriage a moment longer, don't push them in that direction. Of course if they are in harms way, then don't push them to stay, but otherwise, promote the marriage. You don't want to be the one saying, "Just leave him/her." That is dangerous territory, and I would encourage you to try your best to give them as many other options as possible to salvage their marriage because it really is one of the best things they can do. Remember, divorce is a long, painful, and complicated process that wreaks havoc, chaos, pain, and destruction on its victims.
As family and friends, you have a unique opportunity to speak into this person's life. Use that opportunity wisely to encourage and promote the success of their marriage. Pray for them. Help them to move toward not away from their spouse. Provide them with resources. Come alongside the couple, not between them, and I guarantee that both you and this couple will be ever so thankful.
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3 comments:
Ashley,
For the most part, it seems like guys/ladies wants to re-live the past. Go back to their high school reunions the "fun" years, dating again, sporting events and it is all about me! The marriage or family is second at best, it is what I feel I need at this time. The focus is on living in the past. Amazing to me how many start out, even have children and push it all aside for what?????? Oh, me!!!
Well, I didn't really mean for better or worse, it was something they told me to say. Besides, I don't feel like it anymore. He just isn't worth it, too short and his hair is even getting thin on top. Maybe, I can get someone better while I am still okay looking. Just want to have as much fun as I can, while I can. Marriage/family is all work and I am not connected anymore.
Let me tell you, I have heard it all. How do you answer these questions?
Anonymous #1 - Thanks for sharing! There are a lot of people that have glamorized their pasts and want to go back. While our pasts can be a fun part of where we are today, we can't let them hold us back or pull us back from the present. You bring up something very common - selfishness. We live in a day and time where it's all about "me," which wreaks havoc on our marriages and families. Living in the past, living just for self...both lead to destruction in our lives. Thanks for the comment - great points!
Anonymous #2 - Thank you for writing and bringing up very common lines that most of us have unfortunately heard. You know what, the answer to all of those is "tough." The truth is that we said vows whether we "understood" them or not. We aren't going to be the most attractive people in the world for the rest of our lives, and that's why it is important to base your marriage on deeper things than skin deep. Marriage is so much fun, if you are willing to look at it that way, you will have a lot more "fun" than anything else out there pulling at you. Marriage/family is work, but it's the most wonderful, worthwhile work that you can ever do with the biggest dividends at the end of the day. The truth is that marriages, families are commitments that we make. We don't get to just drop them when we want because we don't "feel" like doing the work, don't think our spouse is as attractive as they once were, think there is so much "better" outside of marriage. It's what you make of it...put in the time and dedication and reap the benefits. Simple as that. Thanks for sharing your questions...they are common ones that make me sad to hear because we can't be so cavalier about our marriages and families if we want them to be exceptional.
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