A lot of people I know struggle with where to even start with finding a spouse or knowing who the right person is for them. It's a common struggle with validity. It is one of the most important decisions that we can make, and it is one that affects us for the rest of our lives, so giving it some extra thought and consideration isn't a bad thing but rather something I think everyone should do.
While many people have different viewpoints about what it means to find the right person, how to find the right person, if there is such a thing as the right person, and so on and so forth, I believe there is a "right" person for everyone. While I also think we may be compatible with more than one person, I think there is a special person out there that God created for each of us to reach our full happiness and potential. Sometimes you see a couple together and think, "They seem to bring out the worst in each other." Or something like that. Sometimes you see a couple together and think, "Wow, they really bring out the best in each other." Typically you enjoy being around the latter couple more too. While I do believe that there is someone out there for all of us that brings out our best, I think we are all quite capable of "making it work" with the ones we are with. That's largely because I believe all relationships and marriages require a huge amount of time, effort, commitment, and work. That being said, I come full circle to saying that being with our best match makes that workload lighter and easier. You may disagree with this point, and that's OK, but I would encourage you to still think about the points I am making.
Some of you may know this about Steve and I and some of you might not, but we were both engaged before we got engaged to each other. We look back and realize how closely both of us came to marrying into a pretty terrible and difficult situation. We both were in relationships where we were "making it work" but weren't really happy, weren't having the best but rather the worst brought out in us, and weren't able to reach our full potentials in life. Thankfully, we both had that realization before it was too late. When we got together, it was night and day to our previous situations, and we then knew what it meant to be with the person God intended you to be with. Not just an OK match you can work it out with, but that person that you swear was made just for you because you are "perfect" together. Steve and I thank God every day for saving us and bringing us together because we see what a world of difference it makes. It is tough to even verbalize the differences, but I mention our situation because I believe it sheds a lot of light on the importance of finding your "perfect" match.
Time and time again, I hear people say they aren't that happy in a relationship or have their doubts about it but refuse to walk away. It is extremely frustrating because they know deep down inside this person is not what they want or need, but they would rather settle than wait. As much as it hurts me because I want them to have the most incredible relationship, marriage, and life possible, I understand the fear of waiting. "I'm going to be too old." "Who is going to want me?" "No one is perfect, so I might as well just work it out with this one." "I have invested a lot of time into this relationship already, and I don't want to throw that away." I could go on and on with the reasons people stay in relationships that they aren't really happy or fulfilled in. Please keep in mind that I am not talking about marriages - I am talking about people in relationships, engaged, dating, etc. People stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons even though everything in side them is telling them to run the other way. I know that feeling, and I understand how scary it is to throw away years of investing in a relationship, wonder if you will have to wait until you are "old" to find someone else, wonder if there really is better out there and if it's worth waiting for, wonder how in the world you even begin to separate out everything, wonder if everyone is going to hate you. It is a tough decision, but I cannot encourage you enough - it is all worth it! "Throwing away" a year, 2 years, 5 years, etc., is so worth it for 1 day with the person you are meant to be with. Besides, 1-5 years or more is nothing when you compare it to a whole lifetime. I have heard people who are engaged say they have doubts about their upcoming marriage but just feel they are too invested with everything to back out. It's not cold feet - cold feet is being a little frightened about this new chapter in your life, not doubting if the one you are about to embark on this journey with is the right one. It is never too late until you say, "I do."
A lot of people go into a marriage being miserable, unhappy, and uncertain but expect that after the wedding things will magically get better. They don't! In fact things get more challenging post wedding because you let your guard down, you are around each other all the time, and there are more things to work through together. Sadly what happens is that so many couples then wait for even more time, add some kids to the equation, and then decide this isn't the person for them and walk away. The time to do it is before the vows! A tell-tale sign that there might be trouble down the road? Feeling burnt out before you even say, "I do." We often have a lot of indicators that something is off - our gut instinct, friends & family warning us, things falling apart - but we often ignore them. Don't ignore the warning signs! Embrace them, explore them, and try to find out what they are really saying. It might just be that you need to get help and work through some things, or it might be that this relationship isn't the one for you. Trust me, it is incredibly worth it to be with the right person. It isn't that you don't have challenges or problems. It isn't that you go skipping off into a field of daisies without a care in the world. It is just that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this person with every ounce of your being, have no doubts about whether they are the one for you, you want to work out everything, you want to be a better husband/wife, and you enjoy life together in all its ups and downs.
How do you know though who is the right person for you? We will get into that tomorrow :)
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2 comments:
I agree with you completely I think that it is important to also touch on a reason why we make hasty decisions rather than choose to wait. Often times we try to enter marriage not fully knowing who we are or really respecting ourselves, we are looking to the person in our life todefine that for us. This is an unhealthy place to be. We need to repect ourselves first and know who We are so we don't feel inclined to settle. Knowing your self-worth is vital because it takes the pressure off, you know who you are where you are going and are less likely to compromise.
Anonymous - Thank you for writing! You have a very good point that I am extremely glad you brought up. Very frequently people go into a marriage searching for the other person to make him/her "whole," but the reality is that the other person isn't going to be able to make that person whole. Each person needs to be "whole" before they ever enter the marriage. Of course we all have our issues and baggage, but knowing your self-worth, self-value, and having self-respect not only helps you in searching for your spouse but in having a healthier marriage once you get to that point. I have seen it time and time again where someone enters a relationship with the hopes that the person they are with will "fix" and heal all their brokenness. They search for purpose and their identity in their significant other, which is an unhealthy and dangerous place to be. Again, being able to stand on your own 2 feet knowing who you are and why you are valuable is so important to the success of the individual and their relationships. Thanks again for writing and bringing up a very good point!
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