Pre-Marital Preparation: Mr./Miss Right

It can be tough to know if you are in the best relationship you can be or not. Often there are so many mitigating factors that keep us from seeing the forest for the trees. We hear other people's voices in our heads. We are afraid of being alone. Our clock is ticking. There are a lot of things that sometimes keep us from seeing or accepting what we already know to be true about what we are looking for in our spouse.

If you aren't married yet, no matter how close you are to getting married, I would encourage you to start collecting your thoughts now. One of the best things you can do is establish a list of the top ten attributes you would like your future husband to have. A common thing I hear among singles is that they really aren't sure what they are looking for in their future spouse but are sure they will know when they meet them. Although I do think a lot of times "we just know" when we meet our spouse, I think every person should have a game plan for themselves. Now I am not saying to get out of control with this huge long list of non-negotiable things your future spouse must possess because that sets up unrealistic expectations. What I am saying is that each person should have an idea of what and who they need when looking. Think about it...when you head out on a road trip, you wouldn't go out without a map or some sort of guide. Dating is the same; give yourself a guide for navigating the waters. Again, write down the 10 things you want and need from your future spouse, and then prioritize them from 1 to 10. When you start dating someone, or if you are in a relationship, check to see how that person stacks up to your list of needs/wants. If they don't possess all of at least a majority of those things, then I would highly recommend to keep looking.

The goal of dating is not to find a person that you can change into the person you want. The goal of dating is to try and find someone who fits the profile of the person you want. Time and time again I hear people say that they will "work" with the person they are with because they think he/she can become the person they are looking for. While compromise is essential to every relationship, trying to change someone into someone they aren't can lead to a long and difficult road for the two of you. Another common issue I see people run into is that they have been together for a long time and still just aren't sure if they are "the one." Straight up, if you have been with someone longer than a year and still don't know if they are the one, you might be better off to hit the road. Typically after 1-2 years, you should know if this person is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. If you don't, then therein lies your answer. Now, I am not saying you have to get engaged or married 1-2 years into a relationship, but I am saying you should know by then if your future plans will include marriage. If the person you are with doesn't know for sure by then...well, I doubt they will ever know. Again, dating is about finding the person who fits the profile you have established for yourself, not to find a person you can settle for, that will just do, or that you can change.

In addition to knowing the top 10 things you are looking for in a spouse, I would encourage you to consider the top 10 things you absolutely cannot deal with or don't want in a spouse. We often get "blinded" in relationships with our infatuation, and we tend to ignore all the warning signs or negative things that we really need to pay attention to. Now these negatives will vary from person to person, but I also want to put out a few warnings of my own with what to avoid. Possessiveness, controlling, and anger are three things to be very wary of. Although we all have hints of these things from time to time, strong traces of these in a person can really lead to a volatile and even abusive relationship. Be on the look out for addictions - alcohol, drugs, pornography, spending, etc. While we all have our struggles, addictions require a lot more patience, attention, and frequently require the assistance of professional help. Make sure that you know the things that you personally cannot live with, and be sure to steer clear of those things in the people you date.

The point of dating is to find someone who is a good fit for you. Don't try to jam a square peg into a round hole. Don't try to change someone into someone else; just keep looking. While the dating process can be fun, it can also be draining and discouraging, but try to stay positive because it is worth it in the end. I would encourage you to not settle for someone because they are available or because you can. Have the confidence in your self-worth and value to wait for the person you really want to spend the rest of your life with.