Common Challenges: Communication

There are common challenges to every marriage that all or most of us will experience in one form or another. Unfortunately in today's climate, marriage has a lot going against it. As I have said before, there is a general negative connotation about marriage, a positive light on the single, "free" life, and temptation & obstacles constantly placed before us all luring us away from the sanctity of marriage. That being said, we each have the choice to protect our own marriages and selves from those things. Part of that includes equipping ourselves with some tools for effectiveness in our marriages, which is why this week we are discussing knowing common challenges that plague marriages.

The first common challenge, which is also the most prevalent challenge, is communication. Being men and women as well as unique individuals, we all communicate and perceive things differently from one another. This can cause issues ranging from small to huge. Sometimes we just don't know how to communicate or what to communicate, but regardless, we experience a breakdown in communication nearly every day in our relationships.

Communication is absolutely essential to every single relationship we have in our lives. Although communication can be difficult, frustrating, and a whole lot of other negative things at times, it is also this amazing tool we have to build relationship with one another. I have touched on the importance of communication in several other series (check out the entry "Food for Marriage: Communication"), but it will continue to be brought up because of its significance and importance in relationships. One of the biggest things I like to emphasize is that we must constantly remind ourselves of the point of communicating. Contrary to what we might think, feel, or experience, the point of communication is to build. Build each other up, build our relationship up, and just build. If you are tearing your spouse down with your words, stop! Rethink things and figure out a way to communicate where you are building up the marriage and your spouse. Communication can break down in so many ways and at so many times, but the biggest thing to keep in mind is that if we want our marriages (and relationships) to thrive, we must keep communicating! Giving up on communication is one of the deadliest things in a marriage or relationship because you are taking away its very nourishment. We build our relationship and bond with communication. Don't stop communicating!

What do you do if your communication has become nothing but negative or non-existent in your relationship? Try to break the cycle of negativism. Start with communicating about small things that aren't problematic or "charged" areas that frequently lead to arguments or a breakdown in communication. It can be as simple as talking about your day and what happened in it. Make sure to take turns, keep yourself in check (if you feel like you are starting to go negative or think negative - stop yourself!), and try to focus on intentionally listening, affirming, and staying positive and present in the conversation. If things start going off-track, try to immediately stop and say something like, "Wait. We are headed down our usual path here of negativity. What is going on here? What are you feeling right now?" Breaking any cycle requires personal responsibility; be the "bigger person" if things go awry and try not to react to a reaction. Rather try to accept that you have a part in this and can try to change things. Be patient though because things don't change in one setting or over night...it's a process that can take some serious time and patience.

What if you already feel like you communicate effectively? Fantastic! Keep it up. Try to take things to a deeper level of communication even. If you already have the day-to-day stuff down as well as working through conflicts that arise, try communicating about deeper thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, experiences, etc. There is always room to grow, so keep planting those communication seeds and giving your relationship those strong, deep roots that it so desperately needs.

So often marriages end because communication stopped. Granted, communication can be such a challenge at times, but it is the lifeline of a marriage that is necessary. It can be frustrating when you just can't seem to communicate effectively with each other, but don't give up! You may think arguing all the time is the worst thing in the world, but it shows that you both still care and are still both trying. You just need to figure out how to communicate better and less damagingly. If you are really struggling with communication, seek professional help. They can help direct you in your conversations to weed out the misunderstandings or confusion and get back on track with understanding and communicating with one another. Getting help right when you need it is one of the best investments you can make in your marriage or relationship because it literally can help save it. Be encouraged that no matter how healthy and happy a relationship is, we all experience times of failed communication. The bottom line is to never stop trying, never stop caring, always try to listen, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and get help if you need.