Another common challenge to marriage that can often lead to major marital discord and even divorce is the interference of family and friends. Often times those closest to us get a little too involved or have too much influence in a marriage, which is not always a good thing. In fact, as much as we need a strong, healthy support group around us, we must be careful of their involvement and influence in our marriages.
Previously I wrote an article on the importance of the support system around us (see "Food for Marriage: Support System). The first thing of importance with those we keep closest to us is to make sure they are positive and healthy influences on our lives and marriages. Having people who encourage you to do things or participate in things detrimental to your marriage or those who speak negatively of your spouse is a recipe for disaster. We need to have people around us that no matter what are encouraging us to stay strong and healthy in our marriages. Having the wrong people around you can easily and frequently destroy your marriage, so be wise and surround yourself with those that love you and want your marriage to be the best it can be!
Another common issue concerning those closest to you is simply over involvement. Although there are times to seek counsel or help from those closest to you, this should be done sparingly and with caution. The more people that get involved in your issues, situations, and marriage, the more mitigated and confusing it can be. It is absolutely essential that in marriage, the two of you work out your issues. It strengthens your marriage in so many ways when you handle it that way. Plus, there can be lasting effects on those who got involved; you may be quick to understand and forgive the situation and your spouse, but others might not be. In general it is best to keep a high level of confidence with the marriage and avoid disclosing a lot of personal things to those around you.
Additionally, something that frequently arises in marriages is the necessary adjustments to relationships post-wedding. What do I mean? Well, particularly with each spouses families, new dynamics exist so adjustments must be made with those relationships. Families like to still think of their son or daughter, sister or brother as just that and often treat them the way they always have. The danger there is that things have changed. The primary role of that person is no longer son, daughter, brother, sister; it is now husband or wife. Room must be made for the spouse and respect must be given to the marriage. Often times the parents still want to have "control" over decisions their son/daughter makes, want them to still "answer" to them with decisions and plans, and overall just want to be involved as the parent they have always been. Granted, involvement and relationship with your parents is absolutely essential, but the old rules don't still always apply. New boundaries need to be established - decisions are now made between husband and wife, parents should no longer demand to know everything going on and every move that is being made, and respect should be given to the privacy, establishment, and quality time of the couple. This doesn't mean you never talk to your parents again, never consult with them again, never tell them what you are doing, or anything like that. It simply means that they are no longer the "main" influence in their son or daughters life, and the primary role of their son/daughter is now husband or wife. Parents who don't let go of their son or daughter and don't respect the privacy, relationship, and importance of the marriage can literally destroy it. The emotional needs of a person must be met by their spouse! If a mother doesn't let go of her son and insists on getting the full run-down of every move in his life, constantly checks in on what he is doing and where he is at, involves herself in his personal life & decisions, etc., she is intruding upon the role of the wife. The same goes for a father and daughter. The result is often that there is no room for the spouse to play their role, and frequently then their needs are also being neglected because that son/daughter is busy filling the emotional needs of their parent. In-laws can be your greatest ally or biggest enemy. If they don't know what role to play, then make sure to establish those boundaries for the sake of your marriage.
The bottom line with every marriage is that it should exist between two people. Having a good, strong support group around you to encourage you or perhaps occasionally be there to discuss issues is so important. Equally as important is establishing boundaries with those same people to protect the bond and sanctity of your marriage. Problems should largely be dealt with as a couple, issues and plans should be made between the two of you, emotional needs should be met only by your spouse, and overall, your primary focus should always be with your spouse.
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7 comments:
How about mother/daughters? Many times our marriage has been stressed to the max... to put it mildly. My mother-n-law is always calling, going shopping with my wife, even getting involved with the way we "should" correct our children. I could go on and on....but this is not seen as unhealthy. I was told, "I am being selfish!"
What "if" your spouse is not the talking type? Let me tell you this is a major....difference in how you can deal with problems.
Look... most of my friends have a negative outlook on marriage, I can't run from all of them.
Been married 10 plus years, my husband talks to his mother & sis at least 5 times a day....this isn't even a topic I can make a dent in. Then he feels like he is all talked out when it come to me. Not that they are not a positive influence....it just makes me feel like the outsider looking in.
Anonymous #1 - Thank you so much for your comment! You bring up a very important point that I didn't specifically point out in my article. Mother/daughter and father/son relationships can be very dangerous for a marriage too. No one should come between a married couple, and often these types of relationships can as well. Unfortunately these are often overlooked or not mentioned (even I left mention of it out!). Even though having a good relationship with your parent is important, over-involvement (or enmeshment as we mental health professionals like to call is) is not healthy. In your case (although I do not know the entire situation), having a mother meeting her daughters emotional needs, getting involved in areas that are inappropriate for her to, and basically taking up a lot of the quality time that could be spent with the two of you are all areas that need addressing. Boundaries need to be established. I would recommend all 3 of you to read "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. You can get it just about everywhere they sell books, and they also have a "Boundaries in Marriage" that could be good. Thanks again for bringing up a very important point!
Anonymous #2 - Thank you for your comment! You bring up a point that is quite common. Many marriages really struggle because 1 or both of the spouses aren't the "talking" type. This is extremely difficult because talking is essential essential in a marriage. My biggest piece of advice to someone in this situation would be to address with your non-talking spouse how important it is to you that you be able to communicate and tell them that you have to figure out a way to do so that accommodates both of you. Inquire about why it is that they don't like talking and is there a time when he/she does. Patience and baby steps are probably going to be the path you need to take with your spouse. If you just can't get them to communicate, I would really recommend going to a professional to help them break down the barriers to get your communicating because it really is so important. Thank you for bringing this point up!
Anonymous #3 - Thank you for writing me. Sorry to hear that the majority of your friends have a negative outlook on marriage. That's really unfortunate for you and for them. The fortunate news is that I am not saying to run from all of them but rather to limit the influence they have in your life because of the devastating and harmful effects it can have on your marriage. Ultimately each person has to decide the major influences they want in their life and marriage.
Anonymous #4 - Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with us! I am really sorry to hear of your situation! That is exactly the type of behavior that I am addressing and saying needs to be taken care of. We want the best of each spouse being given to their spouse rather than to everyone else around them. While the relationship between your husband and his mother and sister are important, it should not be detracting from the relationship the 2 of you have! I can definitely see how you would feel like an outsider looking in. Have you ever gently addressed this issue with him? It can be a tough one and potentially volatile, so my recommendation would be to start with how you are feeling and some validation of his strengths and your positive feelings for his mother and sister. After doing so, I would gently clue him in to how certain behaviors make you feel like an outsider and see if there is a happy medium you can come up with. Thank you so much for sharing your story! My hope and prayer is that a resolve can happen in your situation.
Ashley, I'm obviously not married & honestly quite far from it. However, I do think that what you have to say about those that can interfere with a marriage can also be applied to my frienships & future relationship. So thank you for your insightful experience & confirmation of the people that could possible hinder a relationship.
Ashlee - I was thrilled to see your comment; thank you for taking the time to share! Carefully selecting those that you allow closest to you in important no matter what stage of life you are in. Thanks so much for checking this out and for commenting - I appreciate it!
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