As a reader of Little Wifey, I think it is essential for you to understand where I am coming from for all of my writings. Sometimes you may disagree with you or may not like my point of view, but knowing where someone is coming from and their intentions can really help regardless. If you do disagree with me, feel free to let me know via email (ashley@littlewifey.com) or a comment. My hope though is that you would consider a different perspective from your own and respect my education, point of view, and intentions.
Where am I coming from? I am coming from a place of complete belief in marriages. Marriages are an amazing gift from God, and I believe that with all of my heart. They are hard work and require constant energy and commitment, but they are the most worthwhile investment you can make. Marriages are fun, exciting, and an opportunity to have a best friend by your side for the rest of your life. They are incredible, intimate, and an opportunity to grow as an individual. For me, marriages are this incredible opportunity we have on earth to experience unconditional (well as close to it as possible) love and security. I love marriages and believe in them!
Another place that I am coming from that I believe very strongly in is that marriage is for life. In me first entries I made it clear that I believe in "No Escape Clause." That means that I believe marriage is for life and there can be no possibility for getting out. Trust me, when you have that mentality, you are going to work your butt off to make your marriage successful and the best it can be. You will figure out a way to work out that impossible problem or communicate about something. Now I know some of you are probably up in arms that I am being judgmental or that I am encouraging something preposterous because of so many x factors out there. I understand what you are saying, and I want to make it clear that I am not trying to judge anyone or shame anyone. That's not what this is about. We all make mistakes or decisions we thought were best, and there is always an opportunity for grace and mercy. Of course there are situations where lives might be endangered in a marriage, and I am not going to sit back and say to just take it. At the same time, I want you to know that despite my belief in love, redemption, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, I hold a firm line with this belief. I have to because I believe it works, and I cannot apologize for that. My encouragement is to make sure you know who you are marrying before you marry them. If you are divorced, my encouragement would be to not make the same mistakes twice. Believing that marriage is for life and divorce is not an option gives the marriage a fighting chance because every single marriage will experience a time or two where you will use that door you left cracked open. Just shut that door completely, and your marriage will already be stronger for it. Still not buying it? Well, if a hurricane comes through, and you left a door so much as cracked on your house, what would happen? Those winds would rip that door completely open and destroy your home completely. If that door was closed those, you stand a chance. Sure you might get some dings, broken windows, and a little damage, but that house is still standing. Marriage is no different - don't crack the door to divorce because when the hurricanes of life come, it will wreak havoc on your marriage.
It is important that you understand that I love people and marriages! I love seeing people happy and healthy. Life is so challenging and presents us with so many obstacles, and I understand that. That is why I want to do everything I can to help, and I believe my calling is especially helping in the area of marriage. That is why I went and got my B.S. in Psychology and my M.A. in Clinical Psychology with a specialization in Marriage & Family Therapy. I believe in marriage and the miracle and blessing that it is. Know that everything I write and everything I do is with the intention of utilizing my passion, education, and experience to help your marriage, your relationship, your life. I pray for my readers. I work very hard on everything I write and do. I care about each of you and want to do everything I can to help.
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10 comments:
I have been reading this blog even though I disagree with you most of the time. If you promote yourself and your views like this, you are bound to encounter criticism. It seems like there is a disconnect between your intent and your execution. You want to help "struggling marriages" but you have a very idealized, almost fantasy idea of marriage and you are extremely moralistic (which does come across as judgmental many times). If I were having a problem with my marriage, I would not want somebody who provides overly simplified advice and blanket statements about how marriage is great. You use vague words like "struggle" and talk about how difficult it is to do these things, yet you don't go into concrete examples or REAL problems that people face.
You sound like a preacher, not a therapist. A therapist/advice giver for the real world needs to meet people where they are and have a realistic view of the world. Most people in the world are not going to turn off the TV when cleavage comes on the screen, and you are extrapolating wildly to think that simple sexual desires or fantasies ruin marriages, let alone spouting off about the dangers of having close friendships of the opposite gender or your mom. You cannot rely on one person to meet all of your needs. That is extremely misguided and puts enormous pressure on people. How can anyone live up to the standards that you put forth? Maybe your husband is doing it for you right now in the honeymoon phase, but years down the road, he will probably break under the pressure...just like so many religious leaders are found to have these secret affairs (Ted Haggard, for example) while telling other people how to live their lives in really narrow ways. Why can't we just accept people for who they are, whether they are married or not, whether they watch porn or not? Having sky high expectations and extremely rigid behavioral guidelines is recipe for disappointment, no matter how many times you restate your vows to each other.
If you really do want to help people, rather than push a moral agenda of narrowmindedness, you should pay attention to the people who have commented on here who have real problems that cannot be fixed by your butterflies and candlelight romanticism.
God Bless you Ashley! Your blog is amazing and it has given me so many great ideas. I have been married for 33 years and the advice you have given out freely I have put to good use. Let me tell you...you can teach an old dog new tricks! As a man thinketh...so does he!! Haha
Ash, I am finding that narrowmindedness in not a bad thing. Plus, real people need to have a moral agenda to stay focused on what they want out of life and marriage.
Totally disagree with you. What is she supposed to say…”porn is great, go for it!” Marriages are in such disarray because people want to do whatever they want to do without any consequences. What I like about this blog is that she sets the bar high but at the same time allows for grace. I think that having extremely low expectations and wide open behavioral guidelines is a recipe for disaster. The facts show that many people get into situations/relationships/addictions that ruin their marriage. Why is it unfair of her to point out these potential downfalls and encourage people to avoid them? Everyone has to come up with their own boundaries and she’s said many times throughout her articles that her statements are generalizations. You are extrapolating wildly to think that fantasies, relationships of the opposite sex and even relationships with family members don’t have a major affect on marriages.
Now days who does this, you freely give away hours of your day to attempt to help others.
I. Think this site is awesome, and we need more people in the world willing to devote time to helping others. Ash I am sorry for the readers who want to strive for mediocrity if they were really reading to expand their views they would get something out of it, wrather than just reading hoping to find somebody to agree with them. If you read and pay attention you will see that it's not about a fairytale or a fantasy it's about committing to puting in work and dedication weather than being led by emotions. As far as wondering about one person making a difference think about the law enforcement. Do we need them? 99.9% people would say yes, but why they can't be everywhere and stop every crime from being comitted and half the time they don't ever catch the criminal. However if we were to take the mere presence of the police away the world would go into chaos. So just as the presence of te law enforcement is needed to maintain a balance, does the world need individuals to strive to make a difference to show people that there are still individuals who genuinely care about the well being of others. I applaude and commend you for what you are doing and hope that you never feel that you have to defend yourself, just continue to share your gift with people unconditionally.
Anonymous #1 - Thank you for taking the time to put your thoughts down and share me with. It is apparent you put some time and thought into it, and I appreciate that. Allow me to address some of your concerns.
I could see how my viewpoint comes across as "fantasy" and "extremely moralistic." That is largely because I am a moralistic person with a message of a better-than-average outcome for people. My hope is that people constantly are striving for and aspiring for something better than average, which I guess is indeed a fantastical concept. Unfortunately at times I must use "vague words" since I am speaking to a large number of people and cannot specifically mention every single problem or actual struggle that people face. As much as I would love to, that is an unrealistic expectation of any author.
While I can see how you might confuse incorporating moral values into my advice with being a preacher, I assure you that I am not one and indeed am a therapist. It may seem like I am "wildly extrapolating to think that simple sexual desires or fantasies ruin marriages," but in fact I have a lot of factual research and information that I could and would gladly present to you that proves quite contrary. The sad truth is that there are a lot of people who think it is "simple sexual desires and fantasies" and end up finding out the hard way that they start out that way but seem to frequently transform into something much larger. Additionally, there are substantial documented instances of intimate relationships with other people coming in between marriages. Does that mean you can not have a close relationship with others? As I mentioned in my article, that is NOT what I am saying. Of course you need interaction with others, but when they begin to interfere with your relationship, they need to be re-examined.
The standards I have put forth are aspirations. If you don't set goals and aspire for things, then where do you leave room for growth or betterment? Average things become great because aspirations are made, goals are set, and hopes are high. Does that mean you always hit your goals, always get there without any u-turns, wrong turns, or end up somewhere different than where you wanted to go? No! And I have never staked claim to that being the case. I believe that you must set the bar hight and at the same time have grace and acceptance when you fall short. No one is perfect and if you expect absolute perfection then you are setting yourself up for failure. The expectations and standards present in my marriage are a collaborative effort that both my husband and I have derived for the optimal outcome of our marriage and I encourage every married couple to speak openly and honestly to derive their own set of expectations and standards. I do love and accept people for who they are and where they are at, but I am not going to shy away from encouraging people to strive for more and better. Just because it is, doesn't mean it should be. If I believed that people should accept everything as is and never hold themselves to a higher standard, well I wouldn't have entered into a mental health profession, and I wouldn’t have started this blog. There is right from wrong. I have my beliefs. I have an education that has equipped me with the knowledge of struggles people face and how they can overcome those struggles. Call it "a moral agenda of narrowmindedness" if you will, but I call it hoping for better in life, and that is exactly what I am going to encourage people to do.
I have heard story after story of people who have shared their personal struggles with me, their encouragement of the impact that this resource has had on them and their marriages, and testimony after testimony of people's lives that are improving one step at a time If you have a personal problem that I have not addressed, I extend the offer that I do for everyone...to email me (ashley@littlewifey.com), and I would be more than happy to try and address those.
Anonymous #2 - Thank you so much for the kind comment! It is exciting to hear that you are enjoying the blog and have found it useful! Congratulations on 33 years of marriage; what a wonderful report!! Keep up the great work, and thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!
Anonymous #3 - Thank you for the comment! I am so glad that you mentioned the point that "real people need to have a moral agenda to stay focused on what they want..." I couldn't agree with you more. We all need some sort of moral compass in our lives or else we easily get lost. Thanks so much for the input!
Anonymous #4 - I am blown away by your response in a very good way! You really grasp my heart and intent with this blog, and it's wonderful and encouraging to see that conveyed. My objective is 100% to help people by trying to provide them with safeguards for their marriage and family. The current climate for marriages shows me that we must set higher standards for ourselves if we want our marriages to not only survive but thrive! That being said, I really believe in grace because Lord knows we all need it! Thank you so much for your comment; it was more than encouraging and exciting to read!!
Anonymous #5 - What a kind thing to say - thank you so much!!
Anonymous #6 - Thank you so much for taking the time to write your thoughts down and for the encouragement of them! I am overjoyed to hear you are enjoying the site! One thing you pointed out that I am so thrilled you did was that "it's not about a fairytale or a fantasy, it's about committing to putting in work and dedication." That is exactly what I am trying to convey - we can have better than average if we are willing to do the work involved! Thank you so much such a kind, thoughtful, and encouraging comment; it means a lot to me!!
Thank you so much for your advice. It is refreshing to hear the truth even if it is hard to receive sometimes. I respectfully disagree with the Anonymous entry that you are "preaching."
We are saturated with lukewarm worldly advice meant to make us "feel good," rather than advice built upon a Godly foundation that lovingly points out the areas we need to work on in order to improve our marriages. To fix problems one needs to have someone push them outside of their comfort zone, which is exactly what a marriage counselor/therapist does - ironically it is what a preacher does too. Even more ironic is the fact that many preachers are marriage counselors. Hats off to you that someone has recognized that in your counseling technique and I deem it to be one of the greatest compliments you could receive.
I know my marriage has improved from your advice and I cannot thank you enough for helping me expose some of my problem areas in such an encouraging way that makes me want to change.
Anonymous #7 - I cannot tell you what a joy and encouragement it was to read your comment! It's people like you that help keep me motivated and excited about what I am doing. I totally agree with you that today we are fed a "feel good" message that often does not push us to expect, hope, and do more to improve our lives and marriages. It is the highest of compliments to be associated with a pastor because they too are reaching out to help people. It is such a joy to hear that your marriage has improved! I am so honored and thrilled by your comment, so thank you for taking the time to write it!
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