Food for Marriage: Introduction

Marriage is a work-in-progress that we can never give up on. It takes time, patience, commitment, and love (among many other things). It has its highs & lows and ups & downs, but it is so worth it. I think of the famous painter/sculptor/poet/architect/engineer Michelangelo and the pieces he worked on. A lot of the projects he worked on spanned over quite a long time period. One project that was a funerary chapel in the basilica of San Lorenzo, took him the bulk of 20 years, and it was still not completed. Think of the time, energy, and thought that went into that inanimate object; it still created a masterpiece though that would be known for generations to come. Marriage is a masterpiece that requires delicate care and attention for the entirety of your life. Marriage is soft clay in the hands of an artist - yours and your spouses hands. If you delicately and ever so thoughtfully care for it, it will be shaped into a masterpiece that will be felt in generations to follow - your children, your childrens' children, and so on and so forth. That is why you must care for your precious masterpiece with every ounce of your being.

There are certain areas of a marriage to really cultivate and pay careful attention to in order to really mold it into that masterpiece. I like to call it food for the marriage because these areas are as crucial and important to your marriage as food is to your body. Any of us can scarf down junk food and feel satisfied, but we will most likely pay the price later if we continue to do so in the appearance and health of our bodies. Picking the right foods and making sure to eat those when necessary will lead to a healthy and happy body that will most likely last longer. Marriage needs to be fed the right foods at the right times to grow and develop into a long-lasting union. This series will actually be a 2-week series, so stay tuned! The menu for this week includes:

• Christ-centered
• Commitment
• Communication

Next week's menu includes:

• Quality Time
• Intimacy
• Support
  

Stay tuned this week and next week to check these out!

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The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling

The fourth and final of the Four Horsemen is stonewalling. In his book The Marriage Clinic, Gottman defines stonewalling as occurring "when the listener withdraws from the interaction" (p.46). In other terms, stonewalling is when one person cuts him or herself off from the other. It is a lack of responsiveness to your spouse and the interaction between the two of you. Stonewalling, as with the other three horsemen is a very negative characteristic that you don't want to find frequently in a marriage.

Stonewalling is shutting yourself down to your spouse. Typically when someone is listening to you, they exhibit various signs of doing so; non-verbal cues such as nodding, eye contact, and facial expressions, as well as verbal cues such as "uh-huh," or "yup." Stonewallers don't exhibit any of these cues of responsiveness that a typical listener does. Instead they may appear stiff and rigid, glance away, down, and around, and basically exhibit no signs of listening or really being present in the interaction. Stonewalling can include literally just getting up and walking out while the other person is trying to speak to you. Gottman (The Marriage Clinic, p.46) found the following in his research to be true about stonewallers:

• Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women (kind of like women are more likely to criticize than men).
• 85% of Gottman's stonewallers were men.
• When women stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.
• Male stonewalling is very upsetting for women, increasing their physiological arousal (things like increased heart rates, etc.) and intensifying their pursuit of the issue.
  

Stonewalling is sometimes an attempt to self-sooth or basically try to decrease the intensity of the situation. This makes sense then for men to be the more frequent stonewallers, because a lot of times in arguments or interactions, men do not know what to do or how to communicate what is going on, how they feel, etc., so they just shut down to keep from getting too upset. This may sound like a positive thing, but it isn't. It is the person shutting down from communication and from their spouse. It causes a chain reaction that ultimately leads to a more intense interaction. Shutting down and becoming unresponsive to your spouse is not a good idea or option, and as Gottman has found, is one of the big predictors of divorce.

The alternative to stonewalling is responsiveness. We all know that interactions between ourselves and our spouses can be pretty intense and frustrating at times. I know there have been times where I have just kind of shut down to Steve because I just didn't know where to go from there, but ultimately we have to force ourselves to stay engaged and working at a resolution. If you start to feel like you are about to stonewall, communicate that to your spouse. Take a few deep breaths, and remain present in the interaction. Men, try to remind yourselves that stonewalling is only going to intensify the interaction, upset your wife and push her to become more persistent on you engaging, and ultimately is going to damage the marriage to one degree or another. Some interactions and discussions are extremely difficult and frustrating, but remaining present and responsive to your spouse is so important. Communication is a means of building up our spouse and our marriage, so we have to learn to become proficient communicators.

The Four Horsemen typically come as a sequence of interactions that is started with criticism and spills over into defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Gottman emphasizes in The Marriage Clinic that "it is important to note that our best single predictor of divorce is contempt" (p.47). The really important thing to keep in mind here though is that even in happy, stable, and successful marriages, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling all occur. The difference is that in those marriages they don't occur as frequently, and when they do, those couples are more effective at repairing them. Also, contempt is virtually non-existent in those couples, which as I have said repeatedly, is the most dangerous of the four horsemen. Don't freak out and panic though if there are some or all of the horsemen present in your marriage - we all have some presence of them in our marriages. Avoiding contempt and then learning how to do some effective repair work when the other 3 horsemen appear is what is essential to a happy and successful marriage. "Effective repair leads to interest, affection, humor, and lowered tension" (The Marriage Clinic, p.47).

As always, marriage is a gift and a work in progress. Try to avoid the Four Horsemen, but when you can't, try to effectively repair them. Practice turning criticism into a complaint, defensiveness into responsibility, contempt into respect (avoid contempt as much as possible in general!), and stonewalling into responsiveness. Always be trying to build up your spouse and marriage!

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The Four Horsemen: Contempt

The third of the Four Horsemen is contempt. Contempt is defined by Gottman in The Marriage Clinic as "any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one's partner" (p.45). More simply stated, it's an "I'm better than you" attitude. Contempt is viewed as the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen.

Contempt can take on many forms - mockery, sarcasm, etc. The bottom line with contempt is that it is belittling the other person to make yourself feel better. It is having no regard or respect for your spouse. A specific example of contempt is as follows:

• Setting up the situation - a couple is at a party, and the husband is upset that the wife is making her way around the room like the social butterfly that she is. When she comes back over to check on him, the conversations goes like this:

Wife: Hey, I just thought I would come over and see how things are going over here.
Husband: "(In a high pitched, exaggerated voice to mock his wife) Oh, I am just
coming over to see how things are going over here. As if we need you to check
in on us or something. We were having a terrific time until you had to come over.
(Snickers as he looks at the guys around him.)

Contempt exhibited in public is among the most harmful and dangerous because it is not only belittling and humiliating your spouse, but it is doing so in front of an audience. Which, I am sure we can all admit that any sort of humiliation is exaggerated and way worse in front of others, especially if they are our friends. Facial expressions can exhibit that same attitude of contempt, so watch not only your words but your body language as well. Gottman reported in The Marriage Clinic that they found during their research that a certain number of contemptuous facial expressions by husbands was predictive of their wives' infectious illnesses over the next four years. The reverse was not true, but it further demonstrates just how powerfully corrosive contemptuousness really is to have a physical effect on a person. Putting yourself above your spouse is a recipe for disaster. Not only do you show your spouse you do not have respect for him/her, but it also will only breed continuous negativity and further contempt. Most likely your spouse will eventually just shut down at some point to you. Contempt chokes the life out of a person and a marriage, so it should be avoided at all costs.

The alternative to contempt is simply to not do it and on the contrary, show love and respect to your spouse. You are not above your spouse, so you might as well stop acting like it. Remember that men and women are very different and operate differently, but that doesn't put one above the other. We are complementary and should focus on that when the differences are overwhelming. Humiliating or belittling your spouse no matter when or where is never beneficial. You are simply destroying your marriage. Respect your spouse, respect their feelings, and respect your marriage. Honor, love, and respect your spouse at all times, and your marriage will reap the benefits.

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*General Update*

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to post a general update for you all on some things.

1. I have now created a Facebook page for Little Wifey. If you are member of Facebook, I would encourage you to become a fan so you can stay in the loop. I send out updates when I post things and will be keeping you in the loop of what all is going on with Little Wifey as it continues to grow and develop. You can check out the page at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Little-Wifey/117847136938?ref=nf. Or if you want, scroll down the blog, and on the right hand side you will see a box where you can click directly to become a fan. Currently we already have 132 fans, and I would love to see that continue to grow!
   
2. Don't forget that you can follow the Little Wifey blog. Just scroll down the page, and on the right hand side you will see a box titled "Followers." Click on the "Follow" button, and it will instruct you how can become a follower of the blog, which will keep you updated when things are posted.
   
3. Previously I posted this, but I want to remind people and inform any newcomers, you can post comments on any of the entries. All you have to do is click on "Comment" in the upper, right-hand corner above any entry. You can do it anonymously by selecting "Anonymous" in the scroll down menu underneath the comment box (you can still write your name in the comment box if you would like), or you can create an account, sign in to your account, and leave a comment with your identity. It's your choice, but I love the comments and feedback left. Thanks to all of you who have been leaving comments! Make sure to check back because I try to reply to all comments left.
4. Just so you know, I am still working on getting a website up and running. That has been a tough process though and a lot more difficult than I ever thought possible. If you have any assistance, advice, or services you could offer, I sure would appreciate it! Feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com.
5. Finally - SPREAD THE WORD!!! This is a free resource to people. It is tailored to help marriages, but it really can help a lot more than just married people - people engaged, people in relationships, and general relationships outside of marriage. The reason I started this was because there aren't many resources out there like this to help married people, and there definitely aren't many that are free. I really am passionate about helping people, which is why I am doing this. So, please spread the word to anyone you think might benefit from it. A lot of you have already been doing that, and I really, really appreciate it! If you are a pastor, church member, or anyone who works with groups of people - try to get this info to them so they can maybe put it in the bulletin or spread the word to larger groups. Currently I am working on a flier that people can use to get the word out. If you are interested in having one - again, email me at ashley@littlewifey.com. Tell people about the blog and about the Facebook page. Thank you everyone for you support and help!

Well, that's it! Little Wifey has really been taking off, and I am thankful and appreciative because I really want it to help people! Thank you everyone...keep checking in!

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The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness

The second of the Four Horsemen is defensiveness. Gottman defines defensiveness in The Marriage Clinic as "any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack" (p.44). A more practical definition I like to use is placing the blame on the other person and not accepting responsibility. As I mentioned yesterday, criticism often sparks defensiveness. Even though criticism should be avoided, it doesn't give you a hall pass to become defensive. Frequently I have emphasized the point, and will again here, that someone else's actions aren't an excuse for your behavior. We are each responsible for our own actions and reactions, and defensiveness is one of those reactions we should avoid for several reasons.

Defensiveness is a reaction we should avoid for several reasons. The first and primary reason that defensiveness should be avoided is that is denies responsibility. Each one of us plays a part in any conflict whether we think we do or not. Even if it is a misunderstanding or faulty perception, there is validity to how someone feels, and there is often a reason for why they feel that way. Conflict doesn't just appear out of thin air (although sometimes it feels that way); it is rooted in something. Maybe our spouse has an insecurity and took something we said or did the wrong way based off of that insecurity. Are you off the hook? NO! You still have a part...to be sensitive and nurturing to your spouse's insecurity, acknowledge that more caution could be used in the future, and try to meet our spouse where they are at to resolve the situation. Personal responsibility is essential in every relationship and every marriage or nothing will be resolved. That brings us to another problem with defensiveness; it breeds a victim mentality. A defensive posture conveys a message that you are the innocent victim and your spouse is the culprit. Can you already see the problem with that? It ties back into the lack of responsibility - nothing is going to get resolved if both people don't create space for one another, take responsibility for their parts, and work to lovingly resolve the conflict. The other problem with the victim/culprit situation is that this is going to just fuel conflict because the "culprit" is just going to attack more when they realize you are playing the victim. Defensiveness only breeds more conflict. There is never an "innocent victim" because there is always some sort of truth to a conflict - it started somewhere. In marriage you are a team, and conflict is meant to be a time where you collectively air your concerns, share your feelings, meet your spouse where they are at, and productively resolve it together. As I mentioned in Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair, it helps to realize that the point of fighting isn't to win or cut your spouse down to size but rather to resolve. Conflict is an opportunity to cultivate intimacy. So, the next time your spouse (boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, mother, etc...this applies to any relationship) comes at you with a conflict, even if they come at you in an attacking manner, try to stop and ask yourself, "What is my part in this?"

What is the alternative to defensiveness? Well, it's been mentioned throughout the paragraph above, but I will emphasize it for clarity. The alternative to defensiveness is responsibility. Taking responsibility for the fact that you have a part in a conflict whether you want to or not. Taking that step back and asking yourself, "what is my part in this?" is so crucial. Defensive responses are childlike - whining, usually counter-criticizing, pouting...none of it is good. It is so easy to get defensive, especially when we are being attacked. You can stop that cycle of attack, defend, attack, defend, etc. You can choose to take personal responsibility and lovingly try to get to the core issue to resolve it together and build intimacy along the way.

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The Four Horsemen: Criticism

The first horseman that Gottman names is criticism. Criticism is a negative characterization of someone. Gottman defines it as "any statement that implies that there is something globally wrong with one's partner, something that is probably a lasting aspect of the partner's character" (Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, p.41). These critical statements can be something like, "You never take out the trash," or "You always act like an idiot when we are out with friends." We want to stay away from criticism for several reasons.

Criticism elicits several negative outcomes. The first negative outcome of criticism is that we are hurting our spouse with our words. No one enjoys being criticized; it is hurtful and leaves lasting damage. If you think of a child who has been criticized growing up, you most likely know they are often insecure & defensive, have a poor self-image, and lack self-esteem and confidence. Criticism doesn't build anyone up, so why use it? The other negative outcome of criticism is that it naturally elicits defensiveness from someone. If you start criticizing your spouse, they are automatically going to start getting defensive (we will talk more about this in tomorrow's entry) because they are feeling attacked. The biggest problem with this is that it becomes a perpetual cycle of interaction that leads nowhere. It's just an attack and defend pattern of interaction that will ultimately lead to no solution, productivity, or growth in the relationship, but it will most definitely leave more damage, pain, and separation. Criticism is just a negative approach that is not a viable option for several reasons.

I want to step back for a moment from the specific topic of criticism to a more general topic of communication for a moment. Why do we communicate? Communication is meant to convey information and be a builder. What do I mean by a builder? It should be used to build relationships and build up people in general. Unfortunately though, communication these days, especially in marriages, is used to convey disgust, disappointment, and negativity. Now granted, it's not like you can never convey hurt or negative things, but the manner in which you do it should be to try to ultimately build a stronger relationship (refer back to the Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair entry). The purpose of communication is to ultimately build up people and relationships, so keep that in mind when you open your mouth next to say something. Also, I just want to give you a Bible verse on this to ponder over:

"Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29

Now we know that we should watch what we say and definitely not criticize. Well, what is the alternative? How do we communicate our feelings in instances we might naturally be inclined to criticize. Well, the antidote to criticism is a complaint. Now of course we shouldn't go around complaining about everything and everyone; that's just a miserable way to live and miserable to be around. It's not a means to passive aggressively give off a laundry list of all the things you can't stand about your spouse either. Women especially have to be careful because research shows they are more prone to use criticism than men. This is however the way to communicate in a healthy manner what is going on. A complaint gives us a kinder way to communicate something negative because we are stating something without attacking or making a strong, negative statement about our spouse. Examples:

• Complaint: "I'm upset right now because I worked really hard to have the house clean, and you didn't even notice it was done. That hurt my feelings."
  
• Criticism: "You came home and didn't even notice I had this whole house clean. How do you not care about all that I do for you? You must be completely self-centered!"

There is an obvious difference between the two. Keep in mind though, the object is not to find more clever ways to shape your complaint into a criticism. It is a way of expressing some personal hurt in a kinder way that gives your spouse the opportunity to not feel attacked but explain himself/herself. It goes back to something we talked about in Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair where you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Try to keep yourself in check and listen for if you are being critical. If you are, stop and try to shape it into a complaint where you aren't attacking the person but are rather expressing some personal hurt.

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The Four Horsemen

There is a very well renown author by the name of John M. Gottman, Ph.D. who has written many books and done extensive research on couples. From his studies, one of his best known concepts that has been utilized to help many couples is what he calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." He says that not all negative interactions are equal in a marriage. In fact, he found that there are four negative interactions that can best predict the outcome of marriages.

The Four Horsemen is a concept that I really think we can learn a lot from. They give you the ability and insight to examine yourself and your marriage in search of these four things. If you identify they exist, then you can try to work on identifying them in the moment and then practice an alternative interaction instead. Knowing danger signs, identifying them in your own relationship, and then doing something about them is the step to healing. Awareness is half the battle. Over the course of this week, I want to go over The Four Horsemen as well as their antidotes. The Four Horsemen are:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stone-Walling

Join me this week as we examine these four dangerous interactions in marriages, and their alternatives.


* If you would like to check out more on Gottman, you can view his website at: http://www.gottman.com/

*The information I am using for this series comes largely from Gottman's book: The Marriage Clinic

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Love is Intentional: Love Tip #3

We have been talking all week about love being an intentional act. How marriage is a constant, daily re-commitment. Marriage is like a giant quilt knitted patch by patch into this beautiful masterpiece. Each day is another patch, another piece of the big picture.

I wanted to encourage you to be intention starting now. Here is a little tip to get you started:

Take time to write down 10 things you love and/or appreciate about your spouse. Title it: "10 Reasons I Love You." Write them one a nice piece of paper. Sign it with an "I love you" or a "Just wanted to let you know I love you" and your name (if you have a little nickname from your spouse, use it). Take it and leave it in an unexpected place where he/she will find it. Some hints are their wallet (or purse), car, or in the bathroom by the mirror (place it there at night so they can find it in the morning when they are getting ready for their day).

Trust me; your spouse is going to love your love list! Wouldn't you? Try doing little things like this at least once a week - it's sewing the fabric of your life together.

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Love is Intentional: Practical Intentions

Each day we make a choice to love our spouse. It is a choice. Having a happy and thriving marriage requires intentionality on the part of both people involved. It requires a daily re-commitment to your marriage vows.

There are infinite ways to be intentional about loving your spouse and making your marriage the best it can be. My hope is to get you started by listing off some practical and easy ways:

• Start each day by telling your spouse how much you love, appreciate, and cherish him/her.
• Try to do something special at least once a month just for your spouse because your know he/she will love it.
  
• At least once a year, sit down, read, and recite your vows to each other again to keep them current and fresh in your mind.
  
• When you do not feel like loving your spouse, choose to love them anyway.
• Pray for your spouse and marriage daily.
• When you are feeling yourself beginning to have negative feelings toward your spouse, stop and focus on some of the good things about your spouse.
• Each day, tell yourself and your spouse that you love them.
• Maintain integrity by avoiding any potentially hazardous or dangerous situations that could harm your marriage.
• Think positively about your spouse and marriage.

As I mentioned before, there are an infinite amount of possibilities on how you can intentionally love your spouse. This is just a small list of some things to get you started and thinking in that direction.

While I am at it, I just wanted to share a little experience from yesterday that I found so encouraging. I was at Hallmark picking up some cards for various people, and I overheard an older lady telling the sales person that she had been married for 66 years. As i was leaving the store, I wanted to let her know how encouraging it was to hear that someone made it 66 years (that's quite the accomplishment!). Well, as I congratulated her, she proceeded to tell me that after 66 years of marriage, her husband had just passed away at the age of 91, and she was there picking up some things for the proceedings this weekend. She wasn't sad though because she said it was the best 66 years, and that they had created this amazing family together that all had wonderful memories to ponder upon. As I walked away, I thought to myself, "Isn't that what we all really crave? A lifetime with someone. A huge family of memories all started with a commitment we made and kept. All brought together in celebration of life." I was so encouraged and absolutely overwhelmed with excitement of hearing her story. What she and her husband had is what we all want, but so many of us aren't willing to do what it takes to get that.

Love does not come easily. Love is an action and requires work. Marriage may be one of the hardest things you will ever have to work at, but it's also the greatest thing to work at. Don't get discouraged - realize it's tough, it's work, there are going to be good and bad times, there are ups and downs. The important thing is to make your marriage a priority through it all and remember how it is so worth it. Stay intentional. Put the time, effort, and work into it, so that you can reap its rewards for the rest of your lives as will all the generations to follow you.

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Love is Intentional: Daily Re-Commitment

You arrive at work. You greet a few people as you make your way to your desk. Once there, you start sorting through the stacks overtaking it and open your email to find a bunch of messages demanding your attention. You pause and collect your thoughts of what all you need to accomplish today - organize these files, read and reply to all my emails, company meeting at 10:00, meet with client at 12:00 for lunch, etc., etc. You drink your 3 cups of coffee throughout the day just to stay alert and get the job done. Your boss comes in and you assure him that you are doing what it takes to up the company profile and profits. As the day closes you try to get everything in order and ready for tomorrow because you will need to do it all again.

Does this sound remotely like a day in the life of you? I am sure there are some differences, but generally, you get the concept. Most people have a job - maybe it's a desk job or maybe you are a mother working overtime to keep the kids in order. Either way, most of us can relate to devoting ourselves day in and day out to something. We have demands placed on us, goals to meet, and we do whatever it takes to do those and be successful at it. Why should we put less effort into our marriages then?

It's funny because a lot of people think their full-time jobs are their main job in life, and their marriage gets whatever is left of them at the end of the day. The fact of the matter is that your real "job" should be when you walk out of that office and walk into your marriage and family. That is when you should really kick into gear and be giving your best. Your marriage, your family...that is what is most important. No job has a more fulfilling profit either. We don't think about that though because our jobs produce tangible dividends for us to measure our success by, which in turn makes us feel like that's what is most important. We put so much emphasis on money, which lasts for a moment in time (as some of us know all too well). Marriage provides so many more benefits and profit, but it's measured differently. You have to start looking somewhere other than the bank account for it though.

As we all know probably a little too well, the economic situation for America is bleak at best at the moment. Many of us put so much of our faith, effort, and time into our jobs, and one day it was just yanked out from underneath us. Life is so unstable. Money is not secure. That is where marriage is so important - it should be our one secure thing (besides our relationship with Christ of course!) here on Earth. That is why it is so important to put that marriage first - because it's what matters. If you are putting in the time and effort you should, it's going to be there when nothing else is.

Re-committing yourself to your marriage each and every day is so essential. We give so much else our best. We try to impress so many people and do whatever it takes to be successful in so many other areas. We need that intensity, perseverance, and tenacity in our marriages! That is what absolutely matters in the end and in reality has so many more benefits that far outweigh any paycheck or 401k that can disappear at any moment. Each day you should wake up and be excited and ready to give your marriage the best you have got! Your real day starts when you get home from that job. Your job doesn't really care about you, but your spouse does. Give them your best!

Tomorrow we will discuss some practical ways of doing just that....

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Love is Intentional: Making a Vow

Love is intentional. Love in a marriage has to be intentional! Part of understanding love's intentionality is to look at the fundamental commitment of marriage. Marriage starts with two people making a vow to one another before God, friends, and family. What does that mean? That's what today's entry will be discussing.

When two people enter into a marriage, they make a covenant, a vow to one another. Nowadays that may not seem like a big deal, but it is and always has been. Only recently has divorce in the United States been so widely acceptable. That is because that covenant and vow were taken so seriously. Merriam-Webster defines a vow as "a solemn promise or assertion; specifically : one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition." A vow is a binding agreement. Biblically speaking, marriage is a covenant. Covenants in the Bible are blood bonds for life; the only way they can be broken is through death. All of that is to say that we must understand the brevity and severity of the actions we are taking on that blessed wedding day. It's serious stuff, and I think if we thought about that, focused on that, and really understood that, we would act differently.

Exchanging vows with your husband or wife was a huge moment and step in your life. It was (or is for those of you not married yet) a serious commitment that needs to be thought about and taken seriously. It helps to think about that individually and collectively. I would encourage you to keep your vows current and relevant. What does that mean? Print out a copy of your wedding vows - keep them easily accessible, and then look over them together. Recite them to each other again (maybe each year on your wedding anniversary - that's a minimum), and keep it fresh in your minds. It will help keep you on the right track.

Intentionally remind yourselves of the vows you have made in your marriage. Remind yourselves of the commitment you have made and what that means. Understanding it is a commitment helps you to intentionally commit to your marriage for life day in and day out. The truth is that you aren't always going to "feel" in love, which is why you have to intentionally choose to love your spouse and commit to your marriage each and every single day.

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Love is Intentional

Love is intentional. This is one of my primary beliefs related to marriage. Intentionality is essential in a marriage if you are going to have one that not only works but thrives. Marriage does not come easy; it never will, so you might as well start accepting that now. Marriage is one of the most beneficial and fulfilling relationships we all can experience here on earth, but we have to be intentional each and every day if we want it to last and be the best it can possibly be.

So many times I have heard people say in one way or another that they think that love should be easy. They say they will know "the one" when it just comes easily and there is no "drama" in the relationship. You will be looking forever. Granted some relationships are a little more "drama free" than others, but every single relationship is going to require work. If you are expecting easy, then you are going to hit the road when it gets tough...because it will. Most likely you won't be putting in the necessary work either if you are thinking a relationship should be easy. Relationships, love, and marriage are all work that require intentionality.

Marriage requires intentional love day in and day out. This week we will be dissecting what intentionality means and looks like in a marriage. The discussions will include the following:

• Making a Vow
• Daily Re-commitment
• Practical Intentions
  

So join me this week on being intentional in your marriage!

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It's All In Your Head: Like There's No Tomorrow

As I have been saying this week, a lot of the battle for a thriving marriage begins in the mind. It is largely based on what you choose to make of your marriage. We choose how we react to things, what we focus on (the positives or negatives), and how we are going to behave in the marriage. Sometimes it is tough to handle things the "right" way, but I have found another trick that kind of helps to keep things in perspective and keep you on track to making the most of each day in your marriage and with your spouse.

Live like there is no tomorrow. We tend to always think there is a next time or tomorrow, and so we do not keep ourselves in check today. The truth is that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We have all heard that before, but have you ever really thought about what that means? Your spouse could walk out the door this morning and not make it back. What was the last thing you said to him/her? Did you make the most of each day they were here with you? Did you treat them the way you wished you had? So many people have regrets when loved ones pass away because they took that time for granted assuming there would always be a tomorrow.

Sometimes our spouses are frustrating or less than perfect...as are we. If most of us actually stopped and thought about what it would be like without them though, we would figure out a way to deal with those imperfections and savor the good in them. Focusing on the positives (like we discussed yesterday) is a little easier when you think about the fact that each moment with our loved one could be the last. It sounds a little morbid and manipulative perhaps, but it is reality. When you talk to someone who has had a brush with death, they almost always talk about how it forced them to re-prioritize and appreciate all the great things and people in their life. It shouldn't take almost dying to start living. We complain about our marriage and spouse, but the truth is that it is far better with him/her than without him/her.

We aren't guaranteed tomorrow let alone 5 minutes from now...don't waste another minute over something that doesn't really matter. Make the most of here and now and realize that for all the flaws your spouse might have, it's better with them than without them. If you begin to treat them like that and really value them as if they could be taken from us at any moment, you will see a dramatic change in your own attitude and in the life of the marriage.

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It's All In Your Head: Focus on the Good

It's easy to get caught up in negativity and focus on all the bad things in your marriage and about your spouse. It's easy to focus on what we wish we had and how we wish things were. The reality is that always thinking about what our spouse isn't, what the marriage isn't, what we wish we had, and what we wish our spouse was only leads to trouble and misery. You miss the now, the good, the opportunities, and ultimately chase your life away. We must train ourselves to focus on the good things about our marriage and our spouse or else we will lose it all.

Studies show that 1 positive thing sticks with us for every 10 negative things. We are naturally inclined to focus on and remember the negative things over the positive, so the good news is that you are not alone - we all have that natural negative inclination. We have to go against our natural grain though to make the most of our marriage. If we just constantly allow ourselves to go down that negative downhill spiral, then we will choke the life out of our spouse and our marriage and make ourselves miserable in the process. You get one life - make the most of it. Some of us are dealt tougher hands than others, and I understand that. The truth still remains that we are left with the choice of how we play that hand. Playing the victim doesn't help anybody. Think about a car stuck in a mud puddle. The more it bears down and just goes round and round, the more the car digs itself into a hole. When you stop to realize the situation, usually you figure out the best course of action. You focus not on being stuck but that you can put some gravel down, get someone to do some hard work of pushing, and before you know it, you are out of that rut. It takes effort, work, and focusing on what you have to better your situation. No matter what your circumstances are, you start with making the choice that you are going to make the most of your marriage.

Most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations of what the marriage will be like and what our spouse will be like. You are not alone. If you are saying to yourself, "Yeah, but I thought everything was going to be different," well, welcome to the club. Most people do feel that way to some extent when they get married. The situation is different than you thought...great, let's move on to what it is. If I am honest with myself, there is a lot about marriage that is better than I thought. The best part is that Steve and I know we are in our marriage for life, so we have our entire lives to work through things and make our marriage the best it can be. It's not perfect over night, and there's always going to be something to figure out together. It's like the world's greatest adventure that we get to embark on together. That's a really amazing and comforting feeling that I have never felt anywhere else. Marriage is such a gift, but we have to view it that way.

Often, I think about how all growing up we just can't wait to be adults, get married, have a job, drive a car, and play house. We pretend do these things every opportunity we get. Then we get it all and suddenly we aren't excited about it, don't want to do it anymore, and forget the fun of it. What if we approached every day as that eager and excited child? I will admit it, when I am feeling a little negative, less than energetic, or maybe a little grumpy, I picture that little girl inside of me that waited 24 years to find my prince and get to play house. It gives me a renewed positive and energized attitude. Think about it and try it. Just yesterday my niece (we are on vacation this week with Steve's family) let out a sigh and said, "I can't wait to get married! I could have my own house, cut up my own oranges, and make my own snacks." I couldn't help but chuckle and smile at the thought of how much we long for it until we get it. Children give things their all with complete and unhindered excitement - what if we dug deep to our childish roots and gave our marriages that same vigor?

Focus on the good times you have had in your marriage and with your spouse, on the wonderful things about your marriage and spouse, and all the good times and things yet to come. If things are tough right now - focus on the things that brought you together and that somewhere, somehow you fell in love and chose to marry each other. Get back to those good times and then focus on them, so you can make your marriage better in the here and now. Choose to focus on what your husband or wife has done well and does well. Dwelling on the negative only makes you and your spouse miserable and stuck. There's no point in that - take what you have, focus on the positive, and make the most of it all!

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It's All In Your Head: A Positive View

As I mentioned on Monday, a lot of the battle for a happy marriage begins in our heads. We make decisions about how we view our spouse, how we react to situations, and how we view our marriage and life. These decisions start with a process inside our heads. The important thing to note is that we choose how we react to things, how we treat our spouse, and how we view our life/marriage. No matter what happens, no matter what your spouse does, you are responsible for you. How you handle things and react are entirely your choice. It's like that saying "two wrongs don't make a right."

That being sad, we choose how we view our spouse. Granted he or she can make it tough for us to view them in a positive light, but we ultimately choose how we are going to view them (and subsequently treat them). A study conducted by Marcus Buckingham, the author of The One Thing You Need to Know (not a Christian book or author by the way) set out to show that in every discipline, there is one thing you need to know to be successful. So, in marriage he wanted to find out the one thing people have in a happy, successful marriage. He did massive research on marriages of all sorts and discovered the following:

• In all of the marriages where they were unhappy, unloving, and unsuccessful, there was this big gap between expectations and behavior.
  
• They assumed healthy marriages would demonstrate a smaller gap between these two things but what they discovered is that the gap in loving, healthy marriages (that were successful 10+ years) was the same.
  
• Both had totally unrealistic expectations going into marriage.
  

So, what was the difference then? Well, they conducted a test where the husbands graded themselves in various categories and then the wives turned around and graded their husbands in the same categories. The difference ended up being that the wives graded their husbands better in every single category than the husbands had graded themselves and visa versa. Here's what they said as their conclusion "Love really is blind. A spouse's positive illusion created an upward spiral of love." This is why we even get married. When we are dating, we explain away everything to cover the sins of our significant other, the same needs to be true when we marry them in order to maintain that love.

I touched on this in the "Foundation of Marriage: Attitude" posting. We must choose to assume the best rather than the worst about our spouse. We can always find the bad in someone, and they can always find the bad in us. Finding the good in them though and focusing on that is in the best interest of you, your spouse, and your marriage. When something turns up or goes wrong, or perhaps our spouse "proves us right" again and disappoints, our natural inclination is to say, "See! He/She did it again!" We must choose a different reaction if we want to cultivate love. A personal example of this is:

• Each night I make dinner and expect my hubs to be home around 6:30. I just about have dinner timed perfectly for him to walk in the door to when I occasionally get a text that he is just leaving work and won't be home for another 15 to 20 minutes. I immediately feel bummed because I am so excited to see him, and now my delightful dinner is going to be cold. My natural inclination is to start stewing in negativity - "He has been getting home later and later. Does he know how hard it is to make dinner for him? He must not care that I was planning on him being home when he said." Then I stop myself. I am headed on a downward spiral to no where good. So I start battling that negativity in my head - "Wait a second, he loves coming home to me and a nice dinner, so I know he would never intentionally hurt me or avoid that. He doesn't like staying late at work anymore than I like him to stay late. He worked so hard all day and doesn't need to be greeted by his wife angry at him for something he couldn't help." Then I start thinking on how great of a provider he is and all the wonderful things about him to prepare myself to greet him at the door excited. He walks in the door and is so grateful to be greeted by a happy and loving wife. He apologizes for being late and says how glad he is to be home and how yummy dinner is. It's a wonderful evening instead of one of both of us being miserable. All because I made a choice to stop that downward spiral or negativity and to assume the best.
  

You want your home to be a haven for him or her. Giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt makes a world of difference. Assuming the best over the worst breathes life into the relationship. It's not always easy, and they may be "repeat offenders," but still, be a repeat offender of grace, love, and assuming the best. Think of how it feels when someone handles you that way - you want to be a better person and maybe react or behave differently the next time. Love and grace are contagious. A "Love is blind" mentality in a marriage can protect your marriage and definitely builds it up. Try giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt and choose to love your spouse, your marriage, and behave positively. Stop the downward spiral. It will make a world of difference in your marriage!

*There is a sermon that was given at my church - Mariner's Church in Irvine, CA, and it was really wonderful on this concept. If you want to check it out - you can subscribe to their podcasts at http://www.marinerschurch.org/pages/weekend-podcast.html and look for a sermon named "What is Your Choice?" It's from a great sermon series that I would encourage you to check out called "As Good As It Gets?"

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It's All In Your Head

Welcome back to a new week and a new series. This week, I am doing a series called "It's All In Your Head." The focus of this week's series is tackling our minds to help us in making our marriage the best it can possibly be. A lot of times the battles we face in marriage begin in our heads where we process things. Our thoughts then often dictate how we choose to handle and take action in certain situations, toward our spouse, and on a daily basis in the marriage. Often we just need to change or alter our thought process to then change our behaviors in a marriage.

Think about it...when a situation arises, you begin to process what is going on, then you choose what you want to do about it and how you are going to handle it. Sometimes we are more aware of this process than other times, but regardless of how aware of it we are, that is how it goes. With that being said, I want to go over a series that talks about how to keep that mental/thought process on the up and up with a positive attitude to prevent a downhill spiral toward an argument, fight, or just generally bad situation. The series includes the following topics:

1. A Positive View
2. Focus on the Good
   
3. Like There's No Tomorrow

Join me this week for a look at these :)

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Love Tip #2

Alright, so we have been discussing the 3 types of love in a marriage. Now it's time for a little practical application...

Take time this weekend to sit down with your spouse. Pull out your wedding photos and/or video and other reminders (pictures, souvenirs, videos, etc.) of some good times you have had together. Take the time to look through them together and reminisce about those good memories and how far you have come. Chat about which were your favorites and why. If you are looking at your wedding photos/video, talk about that day and what it meant to you. Discuss what made you fall in love with your spouse, how you met, some tough times you have made it through together, some of your favorite times, and what you look forward to doing together in the future. The objective here is to remind yourselves of those good times, realize how many memories you have made, refresh some of those feelings, commitment, and thoughts you had coming into your marriage. Sometimes we get so burdened down with pain, disappointment, and negativity that we forget that we did love and enjoy each other (even if it has been awhile since we can remember those days). Especially if your marriage is really struggling right now, this can be such a beneficial activity to do together or even by yourself if your spouse refuses. Try not to allow yourself to focus on negative memories - the point is to remind yourself of good times, good memories, and strengths of your relationship. If your past is plagued with tough times, focus on the fact that you have somehow made it through together, which is a major positive. Sometimes we just need a reminder of the positives to keep us going and encourage us. If you have a chance, go out on a little date together post discussion. It can be as simple as a 30 minute walk together where you continue reminiscing, or you can do something like go to dinner, pack a picnic & go to the park, or check out a theme park. Try to do something that both of you enjoy(ed) doing together!

Let me know how it goes! Have a wonderful and blessed weekend!

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Love in a Marriage: Eros

The third type of love needed in a marriage is Eros. Eros is passion and fire. This is the love that so many of us are familiar with and associate as "thee" love. This is the love that the world exploits and labels as the perfect, happy, fulfilling love. Eros is definitely fulfilling and important, but it's not the whole picture.

Passion is something that frequently comes with a new relationship. You just can't keep your hands off each other, and the sexual chemistry and tension are through the roof. It makes us feel alive and like we are on cloud 9. It does in fact give you that feeling that you are madly in love. The problem is that this passion often fizzles over time and leaves us feeling like we must have just "fallen out of love." The reality is that we just weren't developing the other 2 types of love - friendship/companionship and unconditional love (Agape & Phileo). Most of the time we aren't even aware there is any other type of love. Without developing the other two types of love, your "love" will die because it isn't a true love or a very deep love. All 3 types of love play off one another to fuel your marriage and relationship to deeper, more fulfilling levels. Think of it as a recipe - you add the sugar and eggs but no flour, or you add the flour and sugar but no eggs. You need all three ingredients to come together to do their job of creating something beautiful, meaningful, and lasting.

Another issue with Eros love is that it is so openly explored outside of marriage. I am not going to go too deeply into this because I will probably be exploring it more in depth in a later series, but I do want to touch on this. This is not at all to make anyone feel guilty or ashamed, but it is important to know. Eros love is largely to be explored within the covenant of marriage. Now there are different levels of intimacy and physicality, and I am not getting into where exactly the line should be drawn. I do believe that it is meant to be explored though within the confines of a marriage. Of course, as a Christian I believe this, but also as an intellectual I believe this. The Bible (no matter how irrelevant you may think it is) gives us guidelines to live by that are just practical. Exploring sexuality outside of marriage can leave lasting damage on your marital intimacy. Of course we know the risks of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but there is also the emotional scarring that I think is so often ignored. When you come together sexually, you are sharing something so intimate and powerful. When you share that with multiple people, you are leaving pieces of yourself with those people, and ultimately, when you do find that special one you want to marry, you are left accounting for all of that "sharing". It can be devastating emotionally to both you and your spouse, which can lead to physical, emotional, and sexual dysfunction in the marriage. TV, media, our peers, all say that sleeping around is the fun and popular thing to do, but most studies show that people admit it is way less fulfilling and more emotionally damaging that they thought and that marital intimacy is much more fulfilling and intimate. Again, I will get into this more at another time, but my words of encouragement for you would be to leave the sexual bonding for your marriage where it is such a blessing, powerful, intended, and safe.

Moving on from that, developing the Eros in your marriage is really crucial. I know I am getting an "Amen" from the men :) It is true though, that this is really important. Marital sexuality is kind of looked at as boring, but there is tremendous supporting evidence and studies that show that sex within a marriage is where it is at people. Think about it, you have your entire lives to learn each other - likes, dislikes, bodies, intricacies. It is this incredible lifelong relationship where you get to journey together. Of course, no one should ever try to force their spouse to do anything they do not feel comfortable doing. But it really is a deep, emotional connection you have with this same person for the rest of your lives. It is something you can't share with just anyone. Often times the men focus on this love, when if they focused on developing the agape and phileo loves, the woman would be much more likely to develop the eros. So keep that in mind men. Also, keep in mind that sex is an acquired skill that takes time, which is why being "schooled" in it with your spouse for life is such an incredible opportunity. Eros flames are often fanned by the other 2 loves - agape and phileo, so developing those can really up the eros (passion) levels in your marriage.

I also want to touch on something else just briefly. It is hard sometimes in the Christian community because we are often discouraged from talking about sex. We are told to shut down that part of our bodies until our wedding night. We kind of have this scared or negative view of sex that leads us to ignore it, or explore it in the wrong contexts that often leads to a lot of guilt and shame. We need to be aware of our sexuality but understand that it is meant for and best realized in the confines of a marriage. Sex is not something to be ashamed of, ignored, or scared of - it is God's gift to married couples.

Eros is that 3rd piece of the marital love puzzle. It is important and needs to be developed just like agape and phileo love. If you are struggling in this area, talk with your spouse, seek professional help, or pick up a book. There are 2 books I would highly recommend on this subject:

1. Intimate and Unashamed by Scott Farhart, M.D.
2. Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

Both of these books do a great job of explaining the human body, the needs of men and women, and how to amp up things in the bedroom. They are both by doctors, and they are super easy reads. I have read both of them and would really recommend them both. So get out there and add some sizzle to your marriages because it is really important for both of you!

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Love in a Marriage: Phileo

The second type of love that is necessary in a marriage is Phileo. Phileo comes from the root word "Philos" which is the word for "friend." Phileo love is about companionship and friendship. It is so important because our spouse should be our friend and companion through life. Enjoying one another's company and building a friendship with one another is part of a strong foundation in a marriage. Cultivating that friendship is important.

In most cases people were friends before they got married. They enjoyed one another's company and developed a friendship based on similiar interests, conversation, doing things together, etc. During the dating process, we frequently make great efforts to learn more about the other person and try to develop this friendship bond to see if it could possibly grow into something more. Unfortunately that effort usually fades during the years of marriage, deteriorating the friendship/companionship bond, which has a domino reaction on the eros (passionate love - to be discussed tomorrow) and agape love. We forget that we actually used to enjoy being with our spouse. Slowly the friendship and companionship fades even though it was once very present and strong. We want to enjoy our spouses, so that it makes it that much easier to love and appreciate them.

On a personal note, Steve is my absolute best friend. We have so much fun together, and that is one of my favorite things about him, our relationship, and our marriage. I find that the more I enjoy being with him and cultivate our friendship, the more I love and adore him. It's like as I cultivate the phileo love, the agape love then grows, which spurs the eros, which spurs the phileo...and so on and so forth. Steve and I always make time to do things together so that we are constantly developing our friendship and companionship. For example, we went to Disneyland last night (we just bought season passes - yay!) for a few hours, and we just laughed together, fought the crowds together, enjoyed some rides, and just spent that quality time together that made both of us say to each other at the end of the night how much we love being together.

Enjoying your spouse is so important. Doing things together to cultivate that friendship and companionship is essential. Find out or think about things you like to do together (take a walk, go to the park, play some tennis, etc.), and then make the time to do those things. If you don't share many common interests, then pick something you spouse likes to do and do that together. Don't forget that friendship - it sows the seeds for the deeper levels of intimacy and love.

A little word of caution - make sure you are cultivating this friendship with your spouse. Fulfilling all your friendship and companionship needs with others only deprives yourself, your marriage, and your spouse of something that the marriage should be fulfilling. Now don't misunderstand me...I am not saying to not have girl or guy friends, that is important and healthy, but I am just saying that they shouldn't be taking away from the marital friendship/companionship department. Furthermore, I highly discourage "friendships" with the opposite gender when you are married. Unfortunately most affairs begin this way. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard of situations where, "He just listened to me. We were just friends, and then suddenly the physical followed." Or "She and I were just friends at first. She made me feel appreciated and respected, and then we just became involved all of a sudden." Phileo love is powerful, and you want to make sure you are channeling that power in the right direction. No one - family, friends, acquaintances - should be fulfilling marital needs besides your spouse. The second you allow others to compensate or meet those needs is the second you begin to drift from your spouse toward a new, dangerous direction.

Friendship and companionship are so imperative for a marriage. It's that glue in some ways because you literally want to be with your spouse. It's kind of cheesy, but I like the saying "play together, stay together." Go out and develop your friendship and companionship with your spouse - it develops and encourages the other types of love.

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Love in a Marriage: Agape

As I mentioned yesterday, there are three types of love that complete a marriage. The first one we are going to discuss is Agape love. Agape love is an unconditional love. Unconditional love does not put conditions on it, which means that the love is always present, always strong. Who wouldn't want that kind of love? Agape love is a sort of anchor in a marriage because it gives each person confidence and security in their spouse and self to know they will always love each other no matter what.

Now the reality is that unconditional or agape love is the goal, but humans are not really capable of 24/7 unconditional love. We are flawed human beings who get emotional, irritable, angry, selfish, and a whole assortment of other things. That reality does not give us an excuse to throw agape love out the window though. It is the goal, which means we are constantly striving to set ourselves and humanity aside to provide unconditional/agape love for our spouse. What is great is that when two people are demonstrating agape love, the other person's love covers those times when maybe our spouse is a little less than loving a day or two. It's almost an insurance policy on the marriage - one is always providing coverage for the other to keep the marriage strong, anchored, and secure.

There is a story that agape love stirs in me that I thought I would share. It is of two women arguing over a child, both claiming that it is hers. Brought before the king, the 2 ladies both continue to claim the child is hers. The king decides that a sword should be put to the child to divide it in half - one half for each of the women. One of them protested and said to just give the child to the other, while the other was going to just allow this division to happen. So, the king stopped the act, and had the child given to the one who protested the act and was willing to give the child to the other lady. He claimed that she was the mother. If you would like to read this story in more detail, you can find it in the Bible - 1 Kings 3:16-28. This mother demonstrated agape love. She would have given up her child to someone else to be raised rather than to see it harmed. We need to be willing to love our spouses no matter what the circumstance. It is easy to love someone when they are deserving, kind, thoughtful, etc., but can you love them when they are not any of that?

Agape love is unconditional. All marriages need that kind of love - secure, covering, anchoring. If we all practice agape love toward one another, we would be cultivating the other 2 loves, which will be discussed later this week. Stay tuned!

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*Blog Update*

Hey everyone!

I wanted to send an update on the blog. I have been getting a lot of great responses about the site, and I am really appreciative of everyone who has been tuning in to it. Over the last week and a half that it's been up and running, there have been a few questions brought to my attention, so I wanted to address them.

First of all, you are able to comment on any of the posts. The settings have been changed so you can do it anonymously if you want, and you don't have to have a Google account. All you need to do it look in the upper right hand corner of a post, and you will see it says "comment." Click on that, type your comment in the space provided (include your name if you would like), and then select from the drop box underneath it accordingly. If you have a Google account (if you have a blog for blogspot, you have a google account - just use the same log-in), select that and enter in your log-in information. Or if you would like to be anonymous, just select that from the drop box. Even if you select "Anonymous", you can include your name in the comment portion if you would like. The "Anonymous" just allows you to comment without a Google account and give you the option to say what you want/need anonymously if you would like.

Also, the poll/survey at the bottom right hand portion of the page is anonymous (even I don't know who responds to it). I am not sure if everyone is aware of that, but you can cast your vote without anyone knowing who you are. Answers are automatically anonymous, so feel free to participate honestly.

Additionally, if you do have a Google account, you can "Follow" the blog. In the bottom right hand side of the page, there is a widget that has "Followers" where you can select to follow it, and it will give you instructions accordingly. Then when you sign in to your account, you will see a feed of all recent activities on the blog. I would love to have you follow the blog, so feel free to do so!

As you have probably noticed, I am trying to introduce a main idea or topic on Mondays with more specific points to that topic the rest of the week. This past week was "Foundation of Marriage," and it got a great response. This week's topic as you might have noticed is "Love in a Marriage." So, keep checking in each week for a new topic!

Again, I want to thank everyone for their support so far! I really appreciate your support and encouragement! My goal really is just to provide helpful information for people. If you do have any questions about the blog, life, a personal situation, etc., feel free to email me too (littlewifey@hotmail.com)! I will do my best to get back to everyone. Also, feel free to give me suggestions for improvements, topics, etc.! I love the feedback! Feel free to share this with anyone who might find it helpful as well!

Love,
Little Wifey :)

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Love in a Marriage

We all know that love in a marriage is super important. But love has gotten a little out of control these days, and the definition has gotten a little blurred and convoluted. We say "I love you" to our spouse, and then we turn around and say, "I love cheeseburgers." Obviously we don't feel the same love for cheeseburgers as we do for our spouse (at least I hope not!), but yet, we use the same terminology. What is the difference? Action. You don't display love for your cheeseburger in any way other than verbally saying it. With marriage, you must display love for your spouse, not just say it.

Most of us have probably heard the phrase "love is a verb." It reminds me of an old DC Talk song, "Luv is a Verb" for those of you who know the Christian band. The song says in one part:

Words come easy but dont mean much
When the words theyre sayin we cant put trust in
Were talkin bout love in a different light
And if we all learn to love it would be just right

Hey, tell me havent ya heard?
Luv, is a serious word
Hey, I think its time ya learned
I dont care what they say
I dont care care what ya heard
The word luv, luv is a verb

It is true though, love is not a noun, it is a verb. What does that really mean though? Well, true love is not just a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. It isn't just a flippant encounter or a one-foot-in-and-one-foot-out commitment. Love is a constant act of loving your spouse in all situations, when the emotional love comes and goes, when they deserve and don't, when you feel like it and don't...it doesn't stop working! Love is an action - one that each of us has to take each and every single day toward our spouse if we want our marriages to make it and be the best they can possibly be!

This week we will be looking at three different kinds of love that should exist in a marriage. They are:

1. Agape - unconditional
   
2. Phileo - compassionate & friendship
3. Eros - Passion & fire

When all three of these types of love exist and are cultivated in a marriage, you have this incredible relationship that is super fulfilling and exciting. So, join me in this week's journey through the 3 types of marital love!

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