The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness

The second of the Four Horsemen is defensiveness. Gottman defines defensiveness in The Marriage Clinic as "any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack" (p.44). A more practical definition I like to use is placing the blame on the other person and not accepting responsibility. As I mentioned yesterday, criticism often sparks defensiveness. Even though criticism should be avoided, it doesn't give you a hall pass to become defensive. Frequently I have emphasized the point, and will again here, that someone else's actions aren't an excuse for your behavior. We are each responsible for our own actions and reactions, and defensiveness is one of those reactions we should avoid for several reasons.

Defensiveness is a reaction we should avoid for several reasons. The first and primary reason that defensiveness should be avoided is that is denies responsibility. Each one of us plays a part in any conflict whether we think we do or not. Even if it is a misunderstanding or faulty perception, there is validity to how someone feels, and there is often a reason for why they feel that way. Conflict doesn't just appear out of thin air (although sometimes it feels that way); it is rooted in something. Maybe our spouse has an insecurity and took something we said or did the wrong way based off of that insecurity. Are you off the hook? NO! You still have a part...to be sensitive and nurturing to your spouse's insecurity, acknowledge that more caution could be used in the future, and try to meet our spouse where they are at to resolve the situation. Personal responsibility is essential in every relationship and every marriage or nothing will be resolved. That brings us to another problem with defensiveness; it breeds a victim mentality. A defensive posture conveys a message that you are the innocent victim and your spouse is the culprit. Can you already see the problem with that? It ties back into the lack of responsibility - nothing is going to get resolved if both people don't create space for one another, take responsibility for their parts, and work to lovingly resolve the conflict. The other problem with the victim/culprit situation is that this is going to just fuel conflict because the "culprit" is just going to attack more when they realize you are playing the victim. Defensiveness only breeds more conflict. There is never an "innocent victim" because there is always some sort of truth to a conflict - it started somewhere. In marriage you are a team, and conflict is meant to be a time where you collectively air your concerns, share your feelings, meet your spouse where they are at, and productively resolve it together. As I mentioned in Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair, it helps to realize that the point of fighting isn't to win or cut your spouse down to size but rather to resolve. Conflict is an opportunity to cultivate intimacy. So, the next time your spouse (boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, mother, etc...this applies to any relationship) comes at you with a conflict, even if they come at you in an attacking manner, try to stop and ask yourself, "What is my part in this?"

What is the alternative to defensiveness? Well, it's been mentioned throughout the paragraph above, but I will emphasize it for clarity. The alternative to defensiveness is responsibility. Taking responsibility for the fact that you have a part in a conflict whether you want to or not. Taking that step back and asking yourself, "what is my part in this?" is so crucial. Defensive responses are childlike - whining, usually counter-criticizing, pouting...none of it is good. It is so easy to get defensive, especially when we are being attacked. You can stop that cycle of attack, defend, attack, defend, etc. You can choose to take personal responsibility and lovingly try to get to the core issue to resolve it together and build intimacy along the way.