Love in a Marriage: Phileo

The second type of love that is necessary in a marriage is Phileo. Phileo comes from the root word "Philos" which is the word for "friend." Phileo love is about companionship and friendship. It is so important because our spouse should be our friend and companion through life. Enjoying one another's company and building a friendship with one another is part of a strong foundation in a marriage. Cultivating that friendship is important.

In most cases people were friends before they got married. They enjoyed one another's company and developed a friendship based on similiar interests, conversation, doing things together, etc. During the dating process, we frequently make great efforts to learn more about the other person and try to develop this friendship bond to see if it could possibly grow into something more. Unfortunately that effort usually fades during the years of marriage, deteriorating the friendship/companionship bond, which has a domino reaction on the eros (passionate love - to be discussed tomorrow) and agape love. We forget that we actually used to enjoy being with our spouse. Slowly the friendship and companionship fades even though it was once very present and strong. We want to enjoy our spouses, so that it makes it that much easier to love and appreciate them.

On a personal note, Steve is my absolute best friend. We have so much fun together, and that is one of my favorite things about him, our relationship, and our marriage. I find that the more I enjoy being with him and cultivate our friendship, the more I love and adore him. It's like as I cultivate the phileo love, the agape love then grows, which spurs the eros, which spurs the phileo...and so on and so forth. Steve and I always make time to do things together so that we are constantly developing our friendship and companionship. For example, we went to Disneyland last night (we just bought season passes - yay!) for a few hours, and we just laughed together, fought the crowds together, enjoyed some rides, and just spent that quality time together that made both of us say to each other at the end of the night how much we love being together.

Enjoying your spouse is so important. Doing things together to cultivate that friendship and companionship is essential. Find out or think about things you like to do together (take a walk, go to the park, play some tennis, etc.), and then make the time to do those things. If you don't share many common interests, then pick something you spouse likes to do and do that together. Don't forget that friendship - it sows the seeds for the deeper levels of intimacy and love.

A little word of caution - make sure you are cultivating this friendship with your spouse. Fulfilling all your friendship and companionship needs with others only deprives yourself, your marriage, and your spouse of something that the marriage should be fulfilling. Now don't misunderstand me...I am not saying to not have girl or guy friends, that is important and healthy, but I am just saying that they shouldn't be taking away from the marital friendship/companionship department. Furthermore, I highly discourage "friendships" with the opposite gender when you are married. Unfortunately most affairs begin this way. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard of situations where, "He just listened to me. We were just friends, and then suddenly the physical followed." Or "She and I were just friends at first. She made me feel appreciated and respected, and then we just became involved all of a sudden." Phileo love is powerful, and you want to make sure you are channeling that power in the right direction. No one - family, friends, acquaintances - should be fulfilling marital needs besides your spouse. The second you allow others to compensate or meet those needs is the second you begin to drift from your spouse toward a new, dangerous direction.

Friendship and companionship are so imperative for a marriage. It's that glue in some ways because you literally want to be with your spouse. It's kind of cheesy, but I like the saying "play together, stay together." Go out and develop your friendship and companionship with your spouse - it develops and encourages the other types of love.