Love in a Marriage: Eros

The third type of love needed in a marriage is Eros. Eros is passion and fire. This is the love that so many of us are familiar with and associate as "thee" love. This is the love that the world exploits and labels as the perfect, happy, fulfilling love. Eros is definitely fulfilling and important, but it's not the whole picture.

Passion is something that frequently comes with a new relationship. You just can't keep your hands off each other, and the sexual chemistry and tension are through the roof. It makes us feel alive and like we are on cloud 9. It does in fact give you that feeling that you are madly in love. The problem is that this passion often fizzles over time and leaves us feeling like we must have just "fallen out of love." The reality is that we just weren't developing the other 2 types of love - friendship/companionship and unconditional love (Agape & Phileo). Most of the time we aren't even aware there is any other type of love. Without developing the other two types of love, your "love" will die because it isn't a true love or a very deep love. All 3 types of love play off one another to fuel your marriage and relationship to deeper, more fulfilling levels. Think of it as a recipe - you add the sugar and eggs but no flour, or you add the flour and sugar but no eggs. You need all three ingredients to come together to do their job of creating something beautiful, meaningful, and lasting.

Another issue with Eros love is that it is so openly explored outside of marriage. I am not going to go too deeply into this because I will probably be exploring it more in depth in a later series, but I do want to touch on this. This is not at all to make anyone feel guilty or ashamed, but it is important to know. Eros love is largely to be explored within the covenant of marriage. Now there are different levels of intimacy and physicality, and I am not getting into where exactly the line should be drawn. I do believe that it is meant to be explored though within the confines of a marriage. Of course, as a Christian I believe this, but also as an intellectual I believe this. The Bible (no matter how irrelevant you may think it is) gives us guidelines to live by that are just practical. Exploring sexuality outside of marriage can leave lasting damage on your marital intimacy. Of course we know the risks of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but there is also the emotional scarring that I think is so often ignored. When you come together sexually, you are sharing something so intimate and powerful. When you share that with multiple people, you are leaving pieces of yourself with those people, and ultimately, when you do find that special one you want to marry, you are left accounting for all of that "sharing". It can be devastating emotionally to both you and your spouse, which can lead to physical, emotional, and sexual dysfunction in the marriage. TV, media, our peers, all say that sleeping around is the fun and popular thing to do, but most studies show that people admit it is way less fulfilling and more emotionally damaging that they thought and that marital intimacy is much more fulfilling and intimate. Again, I will get into this more at another time, but my words of encouragement for you would be to leave the sexual bonding for your marriage where it is such a blessing, powerful, intended, and safe.

Moving on from that, developing the Eros in your marriage is really crucial. I know I am getting an "Amen" from the men :) It is true though, that this is really important. Marital sexuality is kind of looked at as boring, but there is tremendous supporting evidence and studies that show that sex within a marriage is where it is at people. Think about it, you have your entire lives to learn each other - likes, dislikes, bodies, intricacies. It is this incredible lifelong relationship where you get to journey together. Of course, no one should ever try to force their spouse to do anything they do not feel comfortable doing. But it really is a deep, emotional connection you have with this same person for the rest of your lives. It is something you can't share with just anyone. Often times the men focus on this love, when if they focused on developing the agape and phileo loves, the woman would be much more likely to develop the eros. So keep that in mind men. Also, keep in mind that sex is an acquired skill that takes time, which is why being "schooled" in it with your spouse for life is such an incredible opportunity. Eros flames are often fanned by the other 2 loves - agape and phileo, so developing those can really up the eros (passion) levels in your marriage.

I also want to touch on something else just briefly. It is hard sometimes in the Christian community because we are often discouraged from talking about sex. We are told to shut down that part of our bodies until our wedding night. We kind of have this scared or negative view of sex that leads us to ignore it, or explore it in the wrong contexts that often leads to a lot of guilt and shame. We need to be aware of our sexuality but understand that it is meant for and best realized in the confines of a marriage. Sex is not something to be ashamed of, ignored, or scared of - it is God's gift to married couples.

Eros is that 3rd piece of the marital love puzzle. It is important and needs to be developed just like agape and phileo love. If you are struggling in this area, talk with your spouse, seek professional help, or pick up a book. There are 2 books I would highly recommend on this subject:

1. Intimate and Unashamed by Scott Farhart, M.D.
2. Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

Both of these books do a great job of explaining the human body, the needs of men and women, and how to amp up things in the bedroom. They are both by doctors, and they are super easy reads. I have read both of them and would really recommend them both. So get out there and add some sizzle to your marriages because it is really important for both of you!