It's All In Your Head: Focus on the Good

It's easy to get caught up in negativity and focus on all the bad things in your marriage and about your spouse. It's easy to focus on what we wish we had and how we wish things were. The reality is that always thinking about what our spouse isn't, what the marriage isn't, what we wish we had, and what we wish our spouse was only leads to trouble and misery. You miss the now, the good, the opportunities, and ultimately chase your life away. We must train ourselves to focus on the good things about our marriage and our spouse or else we will lose it all.

Studies show that 1 positive thing sticks with us for every 10 negative things. We are naturally inclined to focus on and remember the negative things over the positive, so the good news is that you are not alone - we all have that natural negative inclination. We have to go against our natural grain though to make the most of our marriage. If we just constantly allow ourselves to go down that negative downhill spiral, then we will choke the life out of our spouse and our marriage and make ourselves miserable in the process. You get one life - make the most of it. Some of us are dealt tougher hands than others, and I understand that. The truth still remains that we are left with the choice of how we play that hand. Playing the victim doesn't help anybody. Think about a car stuck in a mud puddle. The more it bears down and just goes round and round, the more the car digs itself into a hole. When you stop to realize the situation, usually you figure out the best course of action. You focus not on being stuck but that you can put some gravel down, get someone to do some hard work of pushing, and before you know it, you are out of that rut. It takes effort, work, and focusing on what you have to better your situation. No matter what your circumstances are, you start with making the choice that you are going to make the most of your marriage.

Most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations of what the marriage will be like and what our spouse will be like. You are not alone. If you are saying to yourself, "Yeah, but I thought everything was going to be different," well, welcome to the club. Most people do feel that way to some extent when they get married. The situation is different than you thought...great, let's move on to what it is. If I am honest with myself, there is a lot about marriage that is better than I thought. The best part is that Steve and I know we are in our marriage for life, so we have our entire lives to work through things and make our marriage the best it can be. It's not perfect over night, and there's always going to be something to figure out together. It's like the world's greatest adventure that we get to embark on together. That's a really amazing and comforting feeling that I have never felt anywhere else. Marriage is such a gift, but we have to view it that way.

Often, I think about how all growing up we just can't wait to be adults, get married, have a job, drive a car, and play house. We pretend do these things every opportunity we get. Then we get it all and suddenly we aren't excited about it, don't want to do it anymore, and forget the fun of it. What if we approached every day as that eager and excited child? I will admit it, when I am feeling a little negative, less than energetic, or maybe a little grumpy, I picture that little girl inside of me that waited 24 years to find my prince and get to play house. It gives me a renewed positive and energized attitude. Think about it and try it. Just yesterday my niece (we are on vacation this week with Steve's family) let out a sigh and said, "I can't wait to get married! I could have my own house, cut up my own oranges, and make my own snacks." I couldn't help but chuckle and smile at the thought of how much we long for it until we get it. Children give things their all with complete and unhindered excitement - what if we dug deep to our childish roots and gave our marriages that same vigor?

Focus on the good times you have had in your marriage and with your spouse, on the wonderful things about your marriage and spouse, and all the good times and things yet to come. If things are tough right now - focus on the things that brought you together and that somewhere, somehow you fell in love and chose to marry each other. Get back to those good times and then focus on them, so you can make your marriage better in the here and now. Choose to focus on what your husband or wife has done well and does well. Dwelling on the negative only makes you and your spouse miserable and stuck. There's no point in that - take what you have, focus on the positive, and make the most of it all!