The Four Horsemen: Criticism

The first horseman that Gottman names is criticism. Criticism is a negative characterization of someone. Gottman defines it as "any statement that implies that there is something globally wrong with one's partner, something that is probably a lasting aspect of the partner's character" (Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, p.41). These critical statements can be something like, "You never take out the trash," or "You always act like an idiot when we are out with friends." We want to stay away from criticism for several reasons.

Criticism elicits several negative outcomes. The first negative outcome of criticism is that we are hurting our spouse with our words. No one enjoys being criticized; it is hurtful and leaves lasting damage. If you think of a child who has been criticized growing up, you most likely know they are often insecure & defensive, have a poor self-image, and lack self-esteem and confidence. Criticism doesn't build anyone up, so why use it? The other negative outcome of criticism is that it naturally elicits defensiveness from someone. If you start criticizing your spouse, they are automatically going to start getting defensive (we will talk more about this in tomorrow's entry) because they are feeling attacked. The biggest problem with this is that it becomes a perpetual cycle of interaction that leads nowhere. It's just an attack and defend pattern of interaction that will ultimately lead to no solution, productivity, or growth in the relationship, but it will most definitely leave more damage, pain, and separation. Criticism is just a negative approach that is not a viable option for several reasons.

I want to step back for a moment from the specific topic of criticism to a more general topic of communication for a moment. Why do we communicate? Communication is meant to convey information and be a builder. What do I mean by a builder? It should be used to build relationships and build up people in general. Unfortunately though, communication these days, especially in marriages, is used to convey disgust, disappointment, and negativity. Now granted, it's not like you can never convey hurt or negative things, but the manner in which you do it should be to try to ultimately build a stronger relationship (refer back to the Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair entry). The purpose of communication is to ultimately build up people and relationships, so keep that in mind when you open your mouth next to say something. Also, I just want to give you a Bible verse on this to ponder over:

"Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29

Now we know that we should watch what we say and definitely not criticize. Well, what is the alternative? How do we communicate our feelings in instances we might naturally be inclined to criticize. Well, the antidote to criticism is a complaint. Now of course we shouldn't go around complaining about everything and everyone; that's just a miserable way to live and miserable to be around. It's not a means to passive aggressively give off a laundry list of all the things you can't stand about your spouse either. Women especially have to be careful because research shows they are more prone to use criticism than men. This is however the way to communicate in a healthy manner what is going on. A complaint gives us a kinder way to communicate something negative because we are stating something without attacking or making a strong, negative statement about our spouse. Examples:

• Complaint: "I'm upset right now because I worked really hard to have the house clean, and you didn't even notice it was done. That hurt my feelings."
  
• Criticism: "You came home and didn't even notice I had this whole house clean. How do you not care about all that I do for you? You must be completely self-centered!"

There is an obvious difference between the two. Keep in mind though, the object is not to find more clever ways to shape your complaint into a criticism. It is a way of expressing some personal hurt in a kinder way that gives your spouse the opportunity to not feel attacked but explain himself/herself. It goes back to something we talked about in Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair where you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Try to keep yourself in check and listen for if you are being critical. If you are, stop and try to shape it into a complaint where you aren't attacking the person but are rather expressing some personal hurt.