The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling

The fourth and final of the Four Horsemen is stonewalling. In his book The Marriage Clinic, Gottman defines stonewalling as occurring "when the listener withdraws from the interaction" (p.46). In other terms, stonewalling is when one person cuts him or herself off from the other. It is a lack of responsiveness to your spouse and the interaction between the two of you. Stonewalling, as with the other three horsemen is a very negative characteristic that you don't want to find frequently in a marriage.

Stonewalling is shutting yourself down to your spouse. Typically when someone is listening to you, they exhibit various signs of doing so; non-verbal cues such as nodding, eye contact, and facial expressions, as well as verbal cues such as "uh-huh," or "yup." Stonewallers don't exhibit any of these cues of responsiveness that a typical listener does. Instead they may appear stiff and rigid, glance away, down, and around, and basically exhibit no signs of listening or really being present in the interaction. Stonewalling can include literally just getting up and walking out while the other person is trying to speak to you. Gottman (The Marriage Clinic, p.46) found the following in his research to be true about stonewallers:

• Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women (kind of like women are more likely to criticize than men).
• 85% of Gottman's stonewallers were men.
• When women stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.
• Male stonewalling is very upsetting for women, increasing their physiological arousal (things like increased heart rates, etc.) and intensifying their pursuit of the issue.
  

Stonewalling is sometimes an attempt to self-sooth or basically try to decrease the intensity of the situation. This makes sense then for men to be the more frequent stonewallers, because a lot of times in arguments or interactions, men do not know what to do or how to communicate what is going on, how they feel, etc., so they just shut down to keep from getting too upset. This may sound like a positive thing, but it isn't. It is the person shutting down from communication and from their spouse. It causes a chain reaction that ultimately leads to a more intense interaction. Shutting down and becoming unresponsive to your spouse is not a good idea or option, and as Gottman has found, is one of the big predictors of divorce.

The alternative to stonewalling is responsiveness. We all know that interactions between ourselves and our spouses can be pretty intense and frustrating at times. I know there have been times where I have just kind of shut down to Steve because I just didn't know where to go from there, but ultimately we have to force ourselves to stay engaged and working at a resolution. If you start to feel like you are about to stonewall, communicate that to your spouse. Take a few deep breaths, and remain present in the interaction. Men, try to remind yourselves that stonewalling is only going to intensify the interaction, upset your wife and push her to become more persistent on you engaging, and ultimately is going to damage the marriage to one degree or another. Some interactions and discussions are extremely difficult and frustrating, but remaining present and responsive to your spouse is so important. Communication is a means of building up our spouse and our marriage, so we have to learn to become proficient communicators.

The Four Horsemen typically come as a sequence of interactions that is started with criticism and spills over into defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Gottman emphasizes in The Marriage Clinic that "it is important to note that our best single predictor of divorce is contempt" (p.47). The really important thing to keep in mind here though is that even in happy, stable, and successful marriages, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling all occur. The difference is that in those marriages they don't occur as frequently, and when they do, those couples are more effective at repairing them. Also, contempt is virtually non-existent in those couples, which as I have said repeatedly, is the most dangerous of the four horsemen. Don't freak out and panic though if there are some or all of the horsemen present in your marriage - we all have some presence of them in our marriages. Avoiding contempt and then learning how to do some effective repair work when the other 3 horsemen appear is what is essential to a happy and successful marriage. "Effective repair leads to interest, affection, humor, and lowered tension" (The Marriage Clinic, p.47).

As always, marriage is a gift and a work in progress. Try to avoid the Four Horsemen, but when you can't, try to effectively repair them. Practice turning criticism into a complaint, defensiveness into responsibility, contempt into respect (avoid contempt as much as possible in general!), and stonewalling into responsiveness. Always be trying to build up your spouse and marriage!

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The Four Horsemen: Contempt

The third of the Four Horsemen is contempt. Contempt is defined by Gottman in The Marriage Clinic as "any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one's partner" (p.45). More simply stated, it's an "I'm better than you" attitude. Contempt is viewed as the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen.

Contempt can take on many forms - mockery, sarcasm, etc. The bottom line with contempt is that it is belittling the other person to make yourself feel better. It is having no regard or respect for your spouse. A specific example of contempt is as follows:

• Setting up the situation - a couple is at a party, and the husband is upset that the wife is making her way around the room like the social butterfly that she is. When she comes back over to check on him, the conversations goes like this:

Wife: Hey, I just thought I would come over and see how things are going over here.
Husband: "(In a high pitched, exaggerated voice to mock his wife) Oh, I am just
coming over to see how things are going over here. As if we need you to check
in on us or something. We were having a terrific time until you had to come over.
(Snickers as he looks at the guys around him.)

Contempt exhibited in public is among the most harmful and dangerous because it is not only belittling and humiliating your spouse, but it is doing so in front of an audience. Which, I am sure we can all admit that any sort of humiliation is exaggerated and way worse in front of others, especially if they are our friends. Facial expressions can exhibit that same attitude of contempt, so watch not only your words but your body language as well. Gottman reported in The Marriage Clinic that they found during their research that a certain number of contemptuous facial expressions by husbands was predictive of their wives' infectious illnesses over the next four years. The reverse was not true, but it further demonstrates just how powerfully corrosive contemptuousness really is to have a physical effect on a person. Putting yourself above your spouse is a recipe for disaster. Not only do you show your spouse you do not have respect for him/her, but it also will only breed continuous negativity and further contempt. Most likely your spouse will eventually just shut down at some point to you. Contempt chokes the life out of a person and a marriage, so it should be avoided at all costs.

The alternative to contempt is simply to not do it and on the contrary, show love and respect to your spouse. You are not above your spouse, so you might as well stop acting like it. Remember that men and women are very different and operate differently, but that doesn't put one above the other. We are complementary and should focus on that when the differences are overwhelming. Humiliating or belittling your spouse no matter when or where is never beneficial. You are simply destroying your marriage. Respect your spouse, respect their feelings, and respect your marriage. Honor, love, and respect your spouse at all times, and your marriage will reap the benefits.

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The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness

The second of the Four Horsemen is defensiveness. Gottman defines defensiveness in The Marriage Clinic as "any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack" (p.44). A more practical definition I like to use is placing the blame on the other person and not accepting responsibility. As I mentioned yesterday, criticism often sparks defensiveness. Even though criticism should be avoided, it doesn't give you a hall pass to become defensive. Frequently I have emphasized the point, and will again here, that someone else's actions aren't an excuse for your behavior. We are each responsible for our own actions and reactions, and defensiveness is one of those reactions we should avoid for several reasons.

Defensiveness is a reaction we should avoid for several reasons. The first and primary reason that defensiveness should be avoided is that is denies responsibility. Each one of us plays a part in any conflict whether we think we do or not. Even if it is a misunderstanding or faulty perception, there is validity to how someone feels, and there is often a reason for why they feel that way. Conflict doesn't just appear out of thin air (although sometimes it feels that way); it is rooted in something. Maybe our spouse has an insecurity and took something we said or did the wrong way based off of that insecurity. Are you off the hook? NO! You still have a part...to be sensitive and nurturing to your spouse's insecurity, acknowledge that more caution could be used in the future, and try to meet our spouse where they are at to resolve the situation. Personal responsibility is essential in every relationship and every marriage or nothing will be resolved. That brings us to another problem with defensiveness; it breeds a victim mentality. A defensive posture conveys a message that you are the innocent victim and your spouse is the culprit. Can you already see the problem with that? It ties back into the lack of responsibility - nothing is going to get resolved if both people don't create space for one another, take responsibility for their parts, and work to lovingly resolve the conflict. The other problem with the victim/culprit situation is that this is going to just fuel conflict because the "culprit" is just going to attack more when they realize you are playing the victim. Defensiveness only breeds more conflict. There is never an "innocent victim" because there is always some sort of truth to a conflict - it started somewhere. In marriage you are a team, and conflict is meant to be a time where you collectively air your concerns, share your feelings, meet your spouse where they are at, and productively resolve it together. As I mentioned in Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair, it helps to realize that the point of fighting isn't to win or cut your spouse down to size but rather to resolve. Conflict is an opportunity to cultivate intimacy. So, the next time your spouse (boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, mother, etc...this applies to any relationship) comes at you with a conflict, even if they come at you in an attacking manner, try to stop and ask yourself, "What is my part in this?"

What is the alternative to defensiveness? Well, it's been mentioned throughout the paragraph above, but I will emphasize it for clarity. The alternative to defensiveness is responsibility. Taking responsibility for the fact that you have a part in a conflict whether you want to or not. Taking that step back and asking yourself, "what is my part in this?" is so crucial. Defensive responses are childlike - whining, usually counter-criticizing, pouting...none of it is good. It is so easy to get defensive, especially when we are being attacked. You can stop that cycle of attack, defend, attack, defend, etc. You can choose to take personal responsibility and lovingly try to get to the core issue to resolve it together and build intimacy along the way.

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The Four Horsemen: Criticism

The first horseman that Gottman names is criticism. Criticism is a negative characterization of someone. Gottman defines it as "any statement that implies that there is something globally wrong with one's partner, something that is probably a lasting aspect of the partner's character" (Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, p.41). These critical statements can be something like, "You never take out the trash," or "You always act like an idiot when we are out with friends." We want to stay away from criticism for several reasons.

Criticism elicits several negative outcomes. The first negative outcome of criticism is that we are hurting our spouse with our words. No one enjoys being criticized; it is hurtful and leaves lasting damage. If you think of a child who has been criticized growing up, you most likely know they are often insecure & defensive, have a poor self-image, and lack self-esteem and confidence. Criticism doesn't build anyone up, so why use it? The other negative outcome of criticism is that it naturally elicits defensiveness from someone. If you start criticizing your spouse, they are automatically going to start getting defensive (we will talk more about this in tomorrow's entry) because they are feeling attacked. The biggest problem with this is that it becomes a perpetual cycle of interaction that leads nowhere. It's just an attack and defend pattern of interaction that will ultimately lead to no solution, productivity, or growth in the relationship, but it will most definitely leave more damage, pain, and separation. Criticism is just a negative approach that is not a viable option for several reasons.

I want to step back for a moment from the specific topic of criticism to a more general topic of communication for a moment. Why do we communicate? Communication is meant to convey information and be a builder. What do I mean by a builder? It should be used to build relationships and build up people in general. Unfortunately though, communication these days, especially in marriages, is used to convey disgust, disappointment, and negativity. Now granted, it's not like you can never convey hurt or negative things, but the manner in which you do it should be to try to ultimately build a stronger relationship (refer back to the Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair entry). The purpose of communication is to ultimately build up people and relationships, so keep that in mind when you open your mouth next to say something. Also, I just want to give you a Bible verse on this to ponder over:

"Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29

Now we know that we should watch what we say and definitely not criticize. Well, what is the alternative? How do we communicate our feelings in instances we might naturally be inclined to criticize. Well, the antidote to criticism is a complaint. Now of course we shouldn't go around complaining about everything and everyone; that's just a miserable way to live and miserable to be around. It's not a means to passive aggressively give off a laundry list of all the things you can't stand about your spouse either. Women especially have to be careful because research shows they are more prone to use criticism than men. This is however the way to communicate in a healthy manner what is going on. A complaint gives us a kinder way to communicate something negative because we are stating something without attacking or making a strong, negative statement about our spouse. Examples:

• Complaint: "I'm upset right now because I worked really hard to have the house clean, and you didn't even notice it was done. That hurt my feelings."
  
• Criticism: "You came home and didn't even notice I had this whole house clean. How do you not care about all that I do for you? You must be completely self-centered!"

There is an obvious difference between the two. Keep in mind though, the object is not to find more clever ways to shape your complaint into a criticism. It is a way of expressing some personal hurt in a kinder way that gives your spouse the opportunity to not feel attacked but explain himself/herself. It goes back to something we talked about in Foundation of Marriage: Fighting Fair where you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Try to keep yourself in check and listen for if you are being critical. If you are, stop and try to shape it into a complaint where you aren't attacking the person but are rather expressing some personal hurt.

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The Four Horsemen

There is a very well renown author by the name of John M. Gottman, Ph.D. who has written many books and done extensive research on couples. From his studies, one of his best known concepts that has been utilized to help many couples is what he calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." He says that not all negative interactions are equal in a marriage. In fact, he found that there are four negative interactions that can best predict the outcome of marriages.

The Four Horsemen is a concept that I really think we can learn a lot from. They give you the ability and insight to examine yourself and your marriage in search of these four things. If you identify they exist, then you can try to work on identifying them in the moment and then practice an alternative interaction instead. Knowing danger signs, identifying them in your own relationship, and then doing something about them is the step to healing. Awareness is half the battle. Over the course of this week, I want to go over The Four Horsemen as well as their antidotes. The Four Horsemen are:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stone-Walling

Join me this week as we examine these four dangerous interactions in marriages, and their alternatives.


* If you would like to check out more on Gottman, you can view his website at: http://www.gottman.com/

*The information I am using for this series comes largely from Gottman's book: The Marriage Clinic

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