Communication is Key: Love Tip

Alright, well I think you get the point that communication is essential to any and every relationship. I hope you also got the point that it's not just about communicating but how you communicate. The goal is to build up (our spouse, our relationship) rather than tearing down. Also, don't forget that not communicating really is communicating...just not anything good. All that being said, our church (Mariner's Church) did a series awhile ago on making marriage better ("As Good as it Gets?" by Kenton Beshore & Jeff Pries - www.marinerschurch.org). They gave us cards to take home to get the conversation moving along at home (singles - make sure to look for the questions for you too in italics). I thought I would share one of them with you to try out yourself.

• Introduction (Lean in): What is a fond memory you have of your wedding day? Singles: What is a fun memory from a wedding you were part of or attended?
• Observation (Look Down): Read Colossians 3:12-25. Why should we forgive and how does that bring about healing?
• Understanding (Look out): What gets in the way of this kind of forgiveness? What happens when people do (or don't) forgive this way?
• Application (Look in): Is there something you or your spouse has done that needs to be forgiven? How will you ask for forgiveness or extend it, and how will this change your relationship? Singles: Is there someone in your life that you need to forgive, or ask for forgiveness?
• Pray: Spend time thanking God for His forgiveness in your life, even thought you did nothing to deserve it. Thank Him that he has also given you the relationships in your life and the opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt. Ask For for the capacity to forgive and extend grace, remove all anger and bitterness from your heart and replace it with the peace that comes from Christ.

Happy weekend! Enjoy it and have a blessed one!

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The Last Straw: Love Tip

My hope is that this series "The Last Straw" has spoken to you and encouraged you to fight for your marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I really believe you will be at the end of it all looking back. While the road ahead of you may not be the easiest and it will most likely entail some time, patience and pain, keep moving forward together. I wanted to end the series with a few love tips that might help you on your journey to healing.

Get back to the basics! One of the first things to do, and one of the best things you can do it to set aside time this weekend to sit down with your spouse and spend quality time together getting on the same page. Start out the conversation with saying that you cherish your spouse and your marriage and just want to try and figure out where to go from here. Try to lovingly and sincerely discuss where some of the problem areas are in the marriage, leaving space for your spouse to express with honesty where he/she is at. Try to respectfully state where you are at and how you are feeling and then allow your spouse the same opportunity. Try to get on the same page with committing to making your marriage better, and come up with a game plan on how to do that. Maybe you start with seeking out professional help - sit down and get some names together and start calling together to set up an appointment. Maybe it's to start spending quality time together once a week where you try to enjoy one another's company and still work through some things. You know what your situation is, so try to take this as an opportunity to work on a problem together. Your spouse isn't the problem. You aren't the problem. There is a problem though that's causing difficultly in the marriage - identify that problem and work together to try to solve it.

I understand this may sound oversimplified or just too awkward to think about doing, but I really think that if you just take that step of faith, it will be worth your while. Remember though to not approach it as a potential fight but rather as a moment of sincerity and desperation to make your marriage better. If you have that sincerity and love in your heart, then that's what you will be communicating verbally and non-verbally rather than hostility. If things get a little heated, try to bring it back to, "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I want to fight for you and our marriage. Please, can't we do our best to figure out what the problems are and how we can go about trying to solve them?" Love and respect...they will take you so far in situations like these. Remember, your spouse isn't the problem, there is just a breakdown somewhere that needs adjustments. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It may seem daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, but trust me, it's the easier and way better path than divorce.

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Food for Marriage: Love Tip - 2

Well, the Food for Marriage 2 week series is over. To recap what the 6 foods were;

1. Christ-Centered
2. Communication
3. Commitment
4. Quality Time
5. Intimacy
6. Support System

I wanted to include a picture of the Food for Marriage Pyramid so you all could print it out if you so desired as a friendly reminder.

Also, I wanted to include some love tips for ways to apply the things we discussed this week. As always I would encourage you to try at least 1 of the following 3 tips:

1. Quality Time - This weekend carve out some time to sit down with your spouse with no distractions. If you have kids, get a sitter for even an hour. No TV's, no computers, no answering or using phone, just the two of you. Take an hour or so to talk. Don't know what to talk about? Start with how his/her week has been. Or start with asking your spouse what their favorite memory of your marriage has been. Just spend some time together talking with one another about life. Too scary or awkward? Then plan a picnic, walk, day at an amusement park, or some other activity for the 2 of you to do together. Conversation will come along with the day. The point is to spend time together where it is just the two of you building relationship with one another.
2. Intimacy - Try planning something romantic for the two of you. (this is for married couples only :)) Maybe it's candles, light music, and...well, I am sure you can think of something ;) Try to really focus on being present with your spouse. Keep your mind there in the room with your spouse (try not to be thinking about the 500 things on your to do list or how you look or how you forgot to clean out the fridge). Eye contact is encouraged and vulnerable conversation is as well. See where the night leads and if you can up the connection between the two of you.
3. Support System - Sit down with your spouse and talk about who all is in your closest group of friends and family (who all do you spend the most time with, go to for advice, who do you consider your closest confidants outside of each other). Talk about some of the other people you might surround yourselves with that might not be quite as close. Then talk about the quality of friendships they are and if they encourage the marriage or not. If not, how can you maybe distance yourselves a bit. If so, how can you surround yourselves more with them and other people like them. If you aren't married and are just in a relationship, I would encourage you to still try this out. If you are single, I would still encourage you to examine your support system to see how is encouraging and holding you accountable for your actions.
   

Alright everyone, try it out and let me know what you think! Happy weekend! By the way, I would just like to take a moment to say Happy 1 year anniversary to the love of my life!!! It has been the most incredible year together, and I could not be more blessed!!! I love you Steve!!!!! <3>

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Food for Marriage: Love Tip

Happy Friday everyone!

As you know, we are currently talking about the essential components to keeping a marriage nourished and thriving. It is a 2-week series I call "Food for Marriage." I thought today we would take a little break from the articles to apply some of what we have learned this week. Let's take this menu and make it a meal :)

How can we apply the concepts from this week - Christ-centered, Commitment, and Communication - to our marriages? Well, I am guessing most of you are going to have a 3-day weekend. Woo hoo! It's the perfect time (no excuses for no time people!) to try out one or more of the following on your own marriage:

1. Christ-centered - This weekend take some time with your spouse to sit down and talk about where your relationship is at spiritually. Is God at all a part of your relationship? Is he the center? What could you do differently or better to have Christ be a real part of your marriage? You don't have to spend a ton of time on this, but at least 10 minutes so it's substantial enough to get somewhere. Then discuss some things that you each would like to be praying about (maybe it's your marriage, your kids, your job, your finances...you get the idea). Next, pray together giving each person a chance to pray for the things the other person mentioned. If your marriage is too estranged to do this, think about these things on your own and then pray for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.
   
2. Commitment - Sit down with your spouse and write down all of the things you are collectively and individually committed to (job, PTA meetings, small group, etc.). Rank their importance and put an approximate number of hours spent each week on those commitments. Tally those numbers for a grand total. On the same sheet of paper, write the words "Our Marriage." Pause for a minute and think about what you do to commit to your marriage. Do you set aside any specific time to just focus on the marriage? Write down a list of any and all things you do each week to nurture your marriage. Estimate how much time is spent doing those things. Now look at the 2 grand totals. Is it way lop-sided? Is it balanced? Talk about how you can up the time in the column spent on your marriage. How can you better commit to your marriage? If there just isn't enough time, figure out what you can take out of the other list of commitments to make time to commit more to your marriage. Our marriages have to be #1 in importance - even though we can't spend 40 hours a week on it, are you putting quality into it?
   
3. Communication - Each spouse write down 5 things they love about their spouse and 3 things each thinks are the biggest stumbling blocks or issues in the marriage. Next, put one of the pens aside and use one of the pens as the "speaking pen." Think of it as a microphone where only the person holding it can speak. The first person holding it should name the first thing on their love list about their spouse and explain why they chose that. After doing so, hand the pen "microphone" to the other person to let them comment if they desire or then list their first thing on the love list & why. Repeat this process for all 5 things on the love lists. Next repeat the same process for the 3 issues. The point of the exercise is to give space for each person to say their piece with love and respect and to build up our spouses and marriage. Then it allows the other person to repeat what they heard and how they feel about it. Once you have accomplished the lists, talk about what you had in common on the lists, what was challenging about the exercise, what you liked, and the overall experience.
   

Alright everyone - try at least one of these out this weekend. Let me know how it goes, what you thought, and all that good stuff! Enjoy the long weekend, and I will meet you back here on Monday (yup, I will still do a Monday entry) to continue the "Food for Marriage" series!

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Love is Intentional: Love Tip #3

We have been talking all week about love being an intentional act. How marriage is a constant, daily re-commitment. Marriage is like a giant quilt knitted patch by patch into this beautiful masterpiece. Each day is another patch, another piece of the big picture.

I wanted to encourage you to be intention starting now. Here is a little tip to get you started:

Take time to write down 10 things you love and/or appreciate about your spouse. Title it: "10 Reasons I Love You." Write them one a nice piece of paper. Sign it with an "I love you" or a "Just wanted to let you know I love you" and your name (if you have a little nickname from your spouse, use it). Take it and leave it in an unexpected place where he/she will find it. Some hints are their wallet (or purse), car, or in the bathroom by the mirror (place it there at night so they can find it in the morning when they are getting ready for their day).

Trust me; your spouse is going to love your love list! Wouldn't you? Try doing little things like this at least once a week - it's sewing the fabric of your life together.

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Love Tip #2

Alright, so we have been discussing the 3 types of love in a marriage. Now it's time for a little practical application...

Take time this weekend to sit down with your spouse. Pull out your wedding photos and/or video and other reminders (pictures, souvenirs, videos, etc.) of some good times you have had together. Take the time to look through them together and reminisce about those good memories and how far you have come. Chat about which were your favorites and why. If you are looking at your wedding photos/video, talk about that day and what it meant to you. Discuss what made you fall in love with your spouse, how you met, some tough times you have made it through together, some of your favorite times, and what you look forward to doing together in the future. The objective here is to remind yourselves of those good times, realize how many memories you have made, refresh some of those feelings, commitment, and thoughts you had coming into your marriage. Sometimes we get so burdened down with pain, disappointment, and negativity that we forget that we did love and enjoy each other (even if it has been awhile since we can remember those days). Especially if your marriage is really struggling right now, this can be such a beneficial activity to do together or even by yourself if your spouse refuses. Try not to allow yourself to focus on negative memories - the point is to remind yourself of good times, good memories, and strengths of your relationship. If your past is plagued with tough times, focus on the fact that you have somehow made it through together, which is a major positive. Sometimes we just need a reminder of the positives to keep us going and encourage us. If you have a chance, go out on a little date together post discussion. It can be as simple as a 30 minute walk together where you continue reminiscing, or you can do something like go to dinner, pack a picnic & go to the park, or check out a theme park. Try to do something that both of you enjoy(ed) doing together!

Let me know how it goes! Have a wonderful and blessed weekend!

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Love Tip

Call your spouse or significant other today just to tell them you were thinking of them, love them, and appreciate them! Then tell them one thing you really appreciate or love about them. Feel free to ask them if there is anything you can do for them today, and then wish them a happy day. Don't forget the "I love you!"

This is sure to be a nice treat for them and welcomed ever so graciously! If you never do this, be prepared for a stunned response. If you frequently do this, well then you know the drill. It's all about just doing something sweet and thoughtful, no strings attached for the one you love. So even if you don't get the response you might be hoping for, just chalk it up as taking one for the team. Remember, this is about them, not you :) You are making a deposit in their love tank! Making deposits frequently like this can make a radical difference in your marriage and relationship over time (this is where "patience is a virtue" comes in sometimes). If you are struggling with this, think about how much you love when your spouse does something sweet and thoughtful for you and how great it makes you feel (even if you have to remember back quite awhile...do it!), and allow that to help motivate you to do that for them.

Let me know how it goes! :)

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