Another common challenge to marriage that can often lead to major marital discord and even divorce is the interference of family and friends. Often times those closest to us get a little too involved or have too much influence in a marriage, which is not always a good thing. In fact, as much as we need a strong, healthy support group around us, we must be careful of their involvement and influence in our marriages.
Previously I wrote an article on the importance of the support system around us (see "Food for Marriage: Support System). The first thing of importance with those we keep closest to us is to make sure they are positive and healthy influences on our lives and marriages. Having people who encourage you to do things or participate in things detrimental to your marriage or those who speak negatively of your spouse is a recipe for disaster. We need to have people around us that no matter what are encouraging us to stay strong and healthy in our marriages. Having the wrong people around you can easily and frequently destroy your marriage, so be wise and surround yourself with those that love you and want your marriage to be the best it can be!
Another common issue concerning those closest to you is simply over involvement. Although there are times to seek counsel or help from those closest to you, this should be done sparingly and with caution. The more people that get involved in your issues, situations, and marriage, the more mitigated and confusing it can be. It is absolutely essential that in marriage, the two of you work out your issues. It strengthens your marriage in so many ways when you handle it that way. Plus, there can be lasting effects on those who got involved; you may be quick to understand and forgive the situation and your spouse, but others might not be. In general it is best to keep a high level of confidence with the marriage and avoid disclosing a lot of personal things to those around you.
Additionally, something that frequently arises in marriages is the necessary adjustments to relationships post-wedding. What do I mean? Well, particularly with each spouses families, new dynamics exist so adjustments must be made with those relationships. Families like to still think of their son or daughter, sister or brother as just that and often treat them the way they always have. The danger there is that things have changed. The primary role of that person is no longer son, daughter, brother, sister; it is now husband or wife. Room must be made for the spouse and respect must be given to the marriage. Often times the parents still want to have "control" over decisions their son/daughter makes, want them to still "answer" to them with decisions and plans, and overall just want to be involved as the parent they have always been. Granted, involvement and relationship with your parents is absolutely essential, but the old rules don't still always apply. New boundaries need to be established - decisions are now made between husband and wife, parents should no longer demand to know everything going on and every move that is being made, and respect should be given to the privacy, establishment, and quality time of the couple. This doesn't mean you never talk to your parents again, never consult with them again, never tell them what you are doing, or anything like that. It simply means that they are no longer the "main" influence in their son or daughters life, and the primary role of their son/daughter is now husband or wife. Parents who don't let go of their son or daughter and don't respect the privacy, relationship, and importance of the marriage can literally destroy it. The emotional needs of a person must be met by their spouse! If a mother doesn't let go of her son and insists on getting the full run-down of every move in his life, constantly checks in on what he is doing and where he is at, involves herself in his personal life & decisions, etc., she is intruding upon the role of the wife. The same goes for a father and daughter. The result is often that there is no room for the spouse to play their role, and frequently then their needs are also being neglected because that son/daughter is busy filling the emotional needs of their parent. In-laws can be your greatest ally or biggest enemy. If they don't know what role to play, then make sure to establish those boundaries for the sake of your marriage.
The bottom line with every marriage is that it should exist between two people. Having a good, strong support group around you to encourage you or perhaps occasionally be there to discuss issues is so important. Equally as important is establishing boundaries with those same people to protect the bond and sanctity of your marriage. Problems should largely be dealt with as a couple, issues and plans should be made between the two of you, emotional needs should be met only by your spouse, and overall, your primary focus should always be with your spouse.
read more
Previously I wrote an article on the importance of the support system around us (see "Food for Marriage: Support System). The first thing of importance with those we keep closest to us is to make sure they are positive and healthy influences on our lives and marriages. Having people who encourage you to do things or participate in things detrimental to your marriage or those who speak negatively of your spouse is a recipe for disaster. We need to have people around us that no matter what are encouraging us to stay strong and healthy in our marriages. Having the wrong people around you can easily and frequently destroy your marriage, so be wise and surround yourself with those that love you and want your marriage to be the best it can be!
Another common issue concerning those closest to you is simply over involvement. Although there are times to seek counsel or help from those closest to you, this should be done sparingly and with caution. The more people that get involved in your issues, situations, and marriage, the more mitigated and confusing it can be. It is absolutely essential that in marriage, the two of you work out your issues. It strengthens your marriage in so many ways when you handle it that way. Plus, there can be lasting effects on those who got involved; you may be quick to understand and forgive the situation and your spouse, but others might not be. In general it is best to keep a high level of confidence with the marriage and avoid disclosing a lot of personal things to those around you.
Additionally, something that frequently arises in marriages is the necessary adjustments to relationships post-wedding. What do I mean? Well, particularly with each spouses families, new dynamics exist so adjustments must be made with those relationships. Families like to still think of their son or daughter, sister or brother as just that and often treat them the way they always have. The danger there is that things have changed. The primary role of that person is no longer son, daughter, brother, sister; it is now husband or wife. Room must be made for the spouse and respect must be given to the marriage. Often times the parents still want to have "control" over decisions their son/daughter makes, want them to still "answer" to them with decisions and plans, and overall just want to be involved as the parent they have always been. Granted, involvement and relationship with your parents is absolutely essential, but the old rules don't still always apply. New boundaries need to be established - decisions are now made between husband and wife, parents should no longer demand to know everything going on and every move that is being made, and respect should be given to the privacy, establishment, and quality time of the couple. This doesn't mean you never talk to your parents again, never consult with them again, never tell them what you are doing, or anything like that. It simply means that they are no longer the "main" influence in their son or daughters life, and the primary role of their son/daughter is now husband or wife. Parents who don't let go of their son or daughter and don't respect the privacy, relationship, and importance of the marriage can literally destroy it. The emotional needs of a person must be met by their spouse! If a mother doesn't let go of her son and insists on getting the full run-down of every move in his life, constantly checks in on what he is doing and where he is at, involves herself in his personal life & decisions, etc., she is intruding upon the role of the wife. The same goes for a father and daughter. The result is often that there is no room for the spouse to play their role, and frequently then their needs are also being neglected because that son/daughter is busy filling the emotional needs of their parent. In-laws can be your greatest ally or biggest enemy. If they don't know what role to play, then make sure to establish those boundaries for the sake of your marriage.
The bottom line with every marriage is that it should exist between two people. Having a good, strong support group around you to encourage you or perhaps occasionally be there to discuss issues is so important. Equally as important is establishing boundaries with those same people to protect the bond and sanctity of your marriage. Problems should largely be dealt with as a couple, issues and plans should be made between the two of you, emotional needs should be met only by your spouse, and overall, your primary focus should always be with your spouse.
