The Last Straw: Love Tip

My hope is that this series "The Last Straw" has spoken to you and encouraged you to fight for your marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I really believe you will be at the end of it all looking back. While the road ahead of you may not be the easiest and it will most likely entail some time, patience and pain, keep moving forward together. I wanted to end the series with a few love tips that might help you on your journey to healing.

Get back to the basics! One of the first things to do, and one of the best things you can do it to set aside time this weekend to sit down with your spouse and spend quality time together getting on the same page. Start out the conversation with saying that you cherish your spouse and your marriage and just want to try and figure out where to go from here. Try to lovingly and sincerely discuss where some of the problem areas are in the marriage, leaving space for your spouse to express with honesty where he/she is at. Try to respectfully state where you are at and how you are feeling and then allow your spouse the same opportunity. Try to get on the same page with committing to making your marriage better, and come up with a game plan on how to do that. Maybe you start with seeking out professional help - sit down and get some names together and start calling together to set up an appointment. Maybe it's to start spending quality time together once a week where you try to enjoy one another's company and still work through some things. You know what your situation is, so try to take this as an opportunity to work on a problem together. Your spouse isn't the problem. You aren't the problem. There is a problem though that's causing difficultly in the marriage - identify that problem and work together to try to solve it.

I understand this may sound oversimplified or just too awkward to think about doing, but I really think that if you just take that step of faith, it will be worth your while. Remember though to not approach it as a potential fight but rather as a moment of sincerity and desperation to make your marriage better. If you have that sincerity and love in your heart, then that's what you will be communicating verbally and non-verbally rather than hostility. If things get a little heated, try to bring it back to, "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I want to fight for you and our marriage. Please, can't we do our best to figure out what the problems are and how we can go about trying to solve them?" Love and respect...they will take you so far in situations like these. Remember, your spouse isn't the problem, there is just a breakdown somewhere that needs adjustments. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It may seem daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, but trust me, it's the easier and way better path than divorce.

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The Last Straw: A Note to Family & Friends

Steve and I were in a wedding this past weekend. He was the best man, and I was a matron of honor. It reminded me of the importance of family and friends in a marriage. Steve and I were discussing how "best man" and "matron of honor" aren't just titles but rather responsibilities and accountability to the couple and to God to help this marriage. As I stood on the stage beside the bride, I looked out at the faces joining us that day, and my prayer was that each person would come around this couple to keep them accountable to one another and their vows. Family and friends play an important role in the success of marriages.

Something I have placed great emphasis on in previous articles is the role of family and friends. My main point is always that no one should ever come between but should always come around a couple. You want and need to be surrounded by people that will encourage you as a couple and always promote your marriage. Anyone who is destructive to your marriage or a negative influence to its growth should not be given access to influencing you. Protect your marriage by making sure that the people around you are always keeping you accountable, promoting your marriage, and encouraging your marriage (for more info, check out my previous article titled "Common Challenges: Family & Friends").

Right now, I want to specifically address if you are dealing with a situation where someone you care about is facing divorce. What should you do? What shouldn't you do? My goal is to give you some direction. The first thing to remember is that your "job" is to always promote the growth and health of your loved one's marriage. Try not to ever come between a couple but rather come around them. Remind them that all couples go through challenging times, and in fact, they too have gone through challenging times before. They have made it through it before, and you believe they can make it through this as well coming out stronger on the other side. Reflect upon their strengths - "You guys are such a great pair." "You are a strong couple." "If anyone can make it, it's you two." Reflect upon their commitments - "This is not an easy situation, but remember that the kids really need you guys to pull through this and show them a wonderful example of what married life is like." "I remember standing there on your wedding day hearing you say your vows to one another, and guess what? This is that 'for better or worse' part. Hang in there!" Encourage, encourage, encourage! It's a delicate balance, but coupling commitment, responsibility, and accountability with encouragement is really important. Also, depending on how severe the situation is, encouraging them to get professional help and even offering some suggestions of places to go is always a great idea. Finally, pray for them! Prayer is powerful, and this couple could really use all the prayer they can get. Remember, your role is to come alongside this couple to encourage their marriage.

On the flip side, there are some things I would really recommend avoiding if you are the family or friend of a couple on the verge of divorce or really struggling. Don't come between them! You definitely want to provide them with an outlet, but don't allow them to become emotionally dependent on you. Lend a listening ear, and then encourage them to speak with their spouse about their situation and how they are feeling. Don't be "the straw that breaks the camels back." In other words, if someone comes to you and thinks they just can't stay in their marriage a moment longer, don't push them in that direction. Of course if they are in harms way, then don't push them to stay, but otherwise, promote the marriage. You don't want to be the one saying, "Just leave him/her." That is dangerous territory, and I would encourage you to try your best to give them as many other options as possible to salvage their marriage because it really is one of the best things they can do. Remember, divorce is a long, painful, and complicated process that wreaks havoc, chaos, pain, and destruction on its victims.

As family and friends, you have a unique opportunity to speak into this person's life. Use that opportunity wisely to encourage and promote the success of their marriage. Pray for them. Help them to move toward not away from their spouse. Provide them with resources. Come alongside the couple, not between them, and I guarantee that both you and this couple will be ever so thankful.

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The Last Straw: Let's Stay Together

Yesterday I talked about the reality of divorce; that it isn't a clean slate but rather a whole new set of problems. In Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor says it well about divorce, "it doesn't eliminate the relational dysfunction evidenced in the marriage. Marriage problems are relationship problems, they are the result of how two people interact with each other. You may abandon a troubled marriage, but you will still bring the way you interact with others along with you." That being said, I want to take a moment to highlight some points about sticking it out with the one you are with.

Things may seem overwhelming and unbearable right now, but I would ask that you would pause for a second and think about the following things. You chose this person, and they chose you out of the 6.791 billion people in the world. Think about that...that's a pretty big deal and saying a heck of a lot about what you think about each other. Also, I would ask you to stop and think about all the time, energy, love, memories, and overall investments you have been putting into this marriage to date. Do you really want to throw that all away and try to start over with someone who doesn't know you at all? Someone you have to start all over with from scratch? There was a point in time where your relationship with your spouse was good and happy, or you wouldn't have chosen them and/or wanted to be with them for the rest of your life. Where did you lose that? Why did you lose that? How do you get back to a place where you love and respect one another? Where you cherish your marriage? Those are the types of questions to be asking yourself when considering divorce. You have a deep history with this person - a combined life, possibly children (which are a visible product of your oneness and unity), shared memories, shared assets. Divorce doesn't rid you of that history. It doesn't let you start from scratch. Divorce is a devastating and painful process that leaves you broken in a lot of ways. Are you really better off for taking that option?

Think about the reality of divorce - the pain, the expense, the awkwardness, the effect on your children, family and friends, the mental & physical toll on you and your spouse, the reality that these relational issues may certainly follow you into the next relationship. Think about your marriage - you chose this person out of all the other options in the world, you vowed your life and faithfulness to this person, you have a history with this person, you love this person (even if you don't feel it at the moment). Honestly, I have heard it time and time again, it is better to work it out with the one you are with than to choose the painful path of divorce.

People think that unhappy marriages leave them with two options - #1) Get a divorce and be happy, or #2) Stay in the marriage and be miserable for the rest of their lives. Those aren't the only two options. Linda Waite, with the University of Chicago and a team of leading family scholars found that "two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later." This is encouraging news people! There is hope for your marriage, but you have to stick it out, fight for it, do your part to reap the rewards. Keep in mind that all those negatives that I mentioned yesterday as resulting from divorce, the opposite is true for marriages - your finances are better off, your mental and physical health are increased, your kids have a healthier and better life, spiritually you are stronger and united, your friends and family stay united and aren't hurt...the list goes on.

My biggest point in all of this isn't to hurt anyone or make anyone feel condemned. My goal is to get you to examine the reality of divorce versus the benefits of staying married. We often get disillusioned about "the other side" and think the grass is greener. The reality is that it isn't, and you need to be aware of and prepared for that reality so that you can make the best and right decision for you and your family.

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The Last Straw: A Look at Divorce

So you don't think you can take it anymore? There's no way to make it work? You just don't love each other anymore? You can't stay in this marriage a moment longer? Divorce is the only answer, right? Well, what exactly does that option look like and what does it entail? Is the divorced life really better than trying to make it with your spouse? Let's examine these questions.

A lot of people believe that marriages are happy, just because they are. They think marital bliss is just part of the package, and when it isn't, they want out. Mark Gungor says it well in his book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, "It's not that there is not bliss to be had--there is; it's that bliss that comes only after blisters. Marital bliss is the result of marital blisters--lots of hard work, where you work till it hurts, sometimes till you bleed." Many times people think that happy marriages should happen just because. Good marriage, happy marriages, strong marriages...they all happen because you put the necessary work and effort into it. Marrying "the right person" means nothing if you aren't willing to put in the time and dedication needed to your marriage. Mark Gungor also says that "marriage is a process, not a product." What he means by that is that we aren't walking in to this already good-to-go thing where there's no assembly required. Marriage is a path, a journey that requires a ton of energy, lots of "I'm sorry's," one too many sleepless nights, days of despair, as much patience and love as you can muster, more prayers than you thought you could conjure up, wisdom beyond measure, and a death to selfishness & awakening to selflessness.

That's all well and good, but what is the reality of getting a divorce? Most people think that when things just get "too tough" in their marriage that the best thing to do is run the other way and get a divorce. They think that divorce has to be better than the marriage that they are in. The unfortunate reality is that divorce isn't running away from your problems so much as it is running toward a whole new set of problems. The reality of divorce is that it is a very challenging, difficult, and taxing thing that has the following new set of problems waiting for you:

• Children - Many people believe that divorce is a better alternative to the well-being of a child than to be in a "hostile" home. While being around parents who constantly fight isn't ideal, statistics show that children are not okay after divorce. They are subjected to emotional trauma that stays with them throughout their life. They are less likely to have a successful marriage as well compared to those children whose parents stayed together. The effects of divorce on children are devastating and often life lingering.
  
• Finances - Divorces take devastating blows to each person's financial standing. Divorce severely lowers the standard of living. 60% of people under the poverty guidelines are divorced women and children. Attorney fees, court fees, dividing assets, divided incomes, child support...they all lead to devastating effects on each individual's financial status & standard of living as well as the children involved.
• Mental Health - Studies show that divorced people are less happy and have a higher risk of substance abuse. Depression is 3 times greater in women who divorce than in those who do not. Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce including things like depression, hostility, self-acceptance issues, personal growth issues, and lowered positive relations with others.
  
• Physical Health - Divorced people are shown to be less healthy. The life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people, who have the longest life expectancies. The overall health consequences of divorces are extremely severe, and health studies conclude that not only are married couples the most likely to recover from illnesses (including terminal illnesses like cancer), but divorced individuals suffer from a long-term impact on their physical health due to the emotional trauma of the divorce.
  

These are just some of the main areas affected by divorce. There is of course spiritual and religious implications as well. On top of all of these issues, you aren't even fully rid of your spouse because if kids are involved, you will have to encounter them for visitations, family functions, holidays, important events, etc. You will never really be "rid" of you ex even if you do divorce. Not only are you and your children affected by divorce but all of the family and friends are involved too and are stuck enduring the painful process as well. It's a painful, destructive situation for everyone involved.

One of the other things I really want to point out is re-marriage. To be honest I cannot recount a single person I know that has been divorced that has said they were glad they did it. In fact, every person I know that has divorced and re-married has told me that they wished they had just stuck it out with their first spouse. They say that a new spouse only means a whole new set of problems and issues but it's compounded by all the baggage, hurt, and issues from the last. Someone very close to me said the following about their post-divorce situation, "I wished I had just stuck with my first spouse. Every day I have to wake up feeling like I am living a lie because I am so miserable with the decision I made. Now I am just trying to make it work with my second wife, but we have more problems than I did with my first wife. I should have just did the work I needed to in the first marriage, and we all would have been much better off."

I want to close by saying that I know some of you may be up in arms about this article. It may strike a chord or hit a nerve. I want to say that if you are divorced and/or re-married, I do believe there is hope for you and a chance for a happy life and marriage. It's going to require a lot of time, energy, and work though. The point of this article though is point out that there is a lot of disillusionment about divorce. It's not the easy way out at all...it's the very long, painful, and damaging path.

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The Last Straw: Introduction

There is a poll on Little Wifey where I asked you the readers to vote on where your marriage is at. Out of those of you who voted, just over 29% of you said your marriages are "headed downhill," "barely surviving," or "over." That is just out of those of you who actually voted. Recently those marriages (while anonymous to me) have been on my mind and on my heart, so I decided to do a series this week called "The Last Straw."

"The Last Straw" is a series for people who are in marriages that are struggling and maybe on the verge of divorce. It will examine the argument of staying married versus getting a divorce, real life testimonies, the road to healing, and a note to family & friends of people in this situation. My hope is that those of you struggling or those of you who know of someone that is struggling, will read this, spread the word, and find it helpful.

If you have specific questions or areas you would like addressed regarding this series, feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com, and I will do my best to answer those specific questions you might have.

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Foundation of Marriage: No Escape Clause

One of the most crucial components to marriage (in my opinion) is that both people go into it believing it is for life. If one or two of the spouses go into a marriage thinking they are going to give it their best shot, but if things don't work out, they will just get a divorce, they are just asking for trouble. Marriage is tough. There will be very difficult and trying times in every single marriage no matter how great the relationship is. If you go into it thinking there is an escape clause, you will use it. But, if you go into marriage believing it's for life, then no matter what comes your way, you are going to figure out a way to make it work. You need that kind of tenacity and determination to make it through life's challenges.

The sad truth is that divorce seems like the "get out of jail free" card, and a lot of people these days use it. The reality is that divorce is anything but a "get out of jail free" card. Divorce is painful for both spouses, for the children that might be involved, and for the extended families. Divorce is expensive and time consuming. And truthfully, almost every person I have ever talked to that got a divorce and re-married, said that they wished they had just stayed with their spouse. Most of those people tell me that they thought things would be better or easier if they just found someone else, but the reality is it's just a different situation and person with a whole new set of issues. Now, I want to stress that I am not trying to condemn anyone, judge anyone, or even state that there is never a reason to divorce. I do believe though that marriage is a commitment that you make for life, it's a vow you have taken before God, family, and friends, which is not to be taken lightly at all! If you examine your vows, they are serious stuff:

• in sickness and in health
• for richer and for poorer
• forsaking all others
• until death do us part

Those are serious statements you make. It's important to stop and think about those for awhile and really allow it to sink in what they mean. That's why I believe it's so important to make sure you are picking the right spouse, understanding the vow and commitment you are about to make, and make sure you are both believing it is for life. If you have been divorced before, my encouragement to you would be to not make the same "mistake" twice. If you get remarried, make this one for life!

Going into marriage with both people fully set on marriage being for life with no escape clause is setting yourself up for success. You provide a sense of security and an intimate, unbreakable bond for yourself, your spouse, and for your family. It provides you with this ability to realize no matter what life throws your way, you are going to make it through it together and much stronger and better on the other side. It will not always be easy, but you will make it through. One of the coolest and most exciting aspects of marriage is the fact that you are vowing to have someone beside you for the rest of your life through the ups and downs, good and bad, rough and easy, fun and tough. Two are so much stronger than one.

So, if you are dating someone, find out if they believe marriage is for life. Same goes for if you are getting ready to be married. If they are, then make sure you are on the same page with them. If they aren't, my suggestion would be to move on while you can. If you are in a marriage, sit down with your spouse and talk about this. "Do we believe marriage is for life?" Make sure you come out deciding it is for both of you. And if you are divorced and remarried, make sure you both determine this one is for life. I guarantee you that making this decision and having this mentality creates a whole different type of marriage because you are both going to make it work no matter what. If you aren't jumping ship, then you get serious to figure out how you can keep it afloat. No escape clause, just sticking together through whatever life throws your way!

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