Communication is Key: Love Tip

Alright, well I think you get the point that communication is essential to any and every relationship. I hope you also got the point that it's not just about communicating but how you communicate. The goal is to build up (our spouse, our relationship) rather than tearing down. Also, don't forget that not communicating really is communicating...just not anything good. All that being said, our church (Mariner's Church) did a series awhile ago on making marriage better ("As Good as it Gets?" by Kenton Beshore & Jeff Pries - www.marinerschurch.org). They gave us cards to take home to get the conversation moving along at home (singles - make sure to look for the questions for you too in italics). I thought I would share one of them with you to try out yourself.

• Introduction (Lean in): What is a fond memory you have of your wedding day? Singles: What is a fun memory from a wedding you were part of or attended?
• Observation (Look Down): Read Colossians 3:12-25. Why should we forgive and how does that bring about healing?
• Understanding (Look out): What gets in the way of this kind of forgiveness? What happens when people do (or don't) forgive this way?
• Application (Look in): Is there something you or your spouse has done that needs to be forgiven? How will you ask for forgiveness or extend it, and how will this change your relationship? Singles: Is there someone in your life that you need to forgive, or ask for forgiveness?
• Pray: Spend time thanking God for His forgiveness in your life, even thought you did nothing to deserve it. Thank Him that he has also given you the relationships in your life and the opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt. Ask For for the capacity to forgive and extend grace, remove all anger and bitterness from your heart and replace it with the peace that comes from Christ.

Happy weekend! Enjoy it and have a blessed one!

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Communication is Key: Problems with Not Communicating

Sometimes for various reasons we choose to stop communicating. What we forget about is that not communicating actually speaks volumes. In fact, not communicating almost always communicates negativity.

You get in an argument with your spouse. Soon, after a whirlwind of frustration and anger, your spouse stops talking to you. They take on a vow of silence with a mission. They aren't saying anything to you verbally, but the reality is that you know they are angry, hurt, and unhappy. Perhaps you get in a heated discussion with your spouse, and you stop saying anything with your mouth but start rolling your eyes, looking away, and posturing yourself away from them. You are communicating alright...communicating that you are angry with them. Silence can be just as painful as hurling insults and wounding words. A lot of times silence communicates you don't care, your spouse (or the other person if this is between friends, family, gf/bf) isn't important, this conversation isn't worth your time, and a whole lot of other painful things. While silence may seem like the "best" or easy option at times, it's never a good option.

While communicating is inevitably frustrating at times, it's so important to keep on communicating. Of course not everyone loves to talk, but we have to force ourselves to at least communicate with our spouse because your marriage depends on it. Part of the thing we have to realize is that no one can read minds. The only way for someone to understand is for you to tell them. Communication is a fundamental need for women. Of course there are men out there that love to communicate and women who don't, but by in large, women are hard wired to be communicators. We love a good chat, and from the time we are little, we learn to build relationship through communicating. Communicating is essential to every relationship because it helps us to know one another as well as helps us to work through life's challenges and relational issues. I understand that communicating can be extremely frustrating and have many break downs, but that just means we need to keep working at it. If you were trying to get to work, and some of the roads were broken down and under construction, you wouldn't just say, "Forget this! I am going to quite working there." Of course not, you would find a different route to take or a way around that construction. Communication is the same, we have to keep testing out new routes to get to the destination of a relationship.

Communicating creates intimacy and builds relationships, which is why it is so important to keep it up. Not communicating has the opposite affect where the relationship deteriorates and what isn't said only builds walls between people. Communicating is a fundamental need and form of relationship, and if you stop communicating with your spouse, it can often lead to them just turning to someone else to meet this need, which rarely leads anywhere good. If you are really struggling in your communication and feel like you just can't figure out a healthy way to communicate with your spouse, get professional help. We must keep communicating and learning how to best communicate for the sake of our relationships.

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Communication is Key: What & How to Communicate

Communication is essential to any relationship. Without communication, things just kind of fall apart, stop working, and wither away. With destructive communication, there is a lot of pain, hurt, and death. Constructive communication is absolutely essential, which is why I want to talk about what to communicate and how to communicate.

There's no real set equation for perfect communication. It's a process that we always have to work on and can always improve upon. Trust me, it's something I work on daily and know I still have a long way to go. One thing I do know though is what to keep in mind every single time I communicate with my husband, family, friends, and acquaintances: building them up. Every time we communicate, we should be asking ourselves if we are building someone up or tearing them down. Now that doesn't mean you never have tough discussions or say anything that might hurt someones feelings, but it does mean that you are very attentive and cautious with how you are saying things. We can't just say things like, "You are the worst husband ever. You never do what I ask you to do, and I am sick and tired of it." As much as that might be something we would like to say because we are upset, a more constructive comment should be said. Maybe something like, "Honey, you are smart and a wonderful husband. I appreciate all you do, but it's very frustrating that I have had to keep asking you to do this for us. Please, is there any way you can make that a priority?" Affirming, encouraging, and building should be the goals of our communication. Build the other person up and build our relationship up.

There are a few other things to keep in mind on how to communicate with people. Try to stay calm. I know, it's tough sometimes not to get emotional and then just let someone have it. Sometimes this happens, but trying to avoid it as much as possible will be doing you and your relationship a huge favor. Try to identify when you are about to get "over-the-top" emotional, and try to take a deep breathe and maybe even a time out to calm down and think through what you are really wanting and trying to say. Along the same lines as the above paragraph, be constructive. Communication is about building your relationship, being productive, resolving issues, and generally building someone and something up. Tearing someone down is counter-productive and really just creates an even bigger mess for everyone involved. Finally, LISTEN! We forget that there is another side to communicating, and that's listening to what the other person has to say. There are 2 sides to every story, and as much as you have strong feelings on a subject, so do they. Listen intently and with sensitivity to what your spouse or the other person is saying. Not only does it communicate that you care about their feelings, but usually is clues you in to where things are going awry. Stay calm, be constructive, and listen!

Finally, what should you be communicating? Well, communicating is a means to connect and build our relationships. Talk about life, interests, feelings, experiences. Be discretionary with what all you disclose to whom, but talk about who you are and find out who they are. Express feelings and concerns to try to work toward resolves. Share hopes, dreams, goals, and aspirations. Talk about your roles and expectations. Reminisce. There are so many things you can talk about, but the goal is to build, build, build! Choose your words wisely. Always be considerate and a good rule to remember about what you are saying is, "How would I feel if he/she said this to me?"

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Communication is Key: The Power of the Tongue

Whether we realize it or not, there is a lot of power in our tongue. With our tongue we have the power for life or for death. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruits." We forget how powerful our words are, but we really need to not only remember that but really be conscious of it.

Stop and think for a moment about the course of your life. How many words have shaped who you are for good or for bad? I can think of specific instances where people have said things that have completely broken me and affected me to this day. I can also think of times where people have spoken life and encouragement over me that has kept me going and affected me for the better to this day. My guess is that there are things people have said to you that have never left you. It is amazing to me how things that are said to us at ages as young as 4 and 5 can impact the rest of our lives. That shows just how powerful words can be, which is why we must use extreme discretion when we open our mouths.

My church, Mariner's here in Irvine, California, did a sermon about the power of words. There was one line in particular that Jeff Pries said that stuck with me, "More homes have been destroyed by words than fires." Wow. What a powerful thought and realization. We must realize the severity and seriousness of watching what we say. So many times it's easy to get caught up in our emotional state and just rip our spouse, child, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, etc. to shreds. Gosh, I admit it first hand that I say things when I am emotional that aren't the wisest or most constructive things. There are several instances where we must be aware of the danger lurking with our words:

• When you are weak (tired, worn out, stressed out, etc.)
• When you are emotional (argument, often when you are "weak", etc.)
• When someone presents a baiting opportunity (Can you believe what he/she did? Did you hear about so and so?)
• When you have been the victim of a verbally negative cycle (your dad/mom was critical, someone in your family was verbally abusive)
  

These are some situations that can get you in trouble. Avoid being lured into saying things you don't mean. Don't allow your "weak" moments to take over your tongue, keep your emotions in check and stop yourself from saying things when you know you are getting overly emotional, don't take the bait of saying something negative about someone just because an opportunity presents itself, and stop the cycle of a deadly tongue if you have been the victim of it. There are a few other Bible verses I wanted to point out on this subject:

• Ephesians 4:29 - "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."
• Proverbs 15:4 - "Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."

It is essential to realize that life and death are in our tongues. We have the power to tear someone down or build them up. We can be a building block in someones life or we can be a stumbling block and tear them down. We can destroy our homes by lacking self control with our words. Of course it's easier said than done, but we must pull the reigns in on our carelessness with words. Yes, it's so hard not to just tear your spouse down when they do something wrong, but demonstrating love, gentleness, and grace in our words can make or break them as well as our marriage. Words are powerful, and we must use them wisely.

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Communication is Key: Introduction

Most of us probably heard that communication is key to a relationship. The problem is that sometimes knowing something doesn't necessarily mean we "get" it. Often times our heads and hearts don't connect. Communication is super important though to every relationship, especially with your spouse and/or significant other.

As some of you may know, I am a huge football fan. The other day I was watching football, and I noticed something that could be applied to marriages. The players that kept their feet moving got tons more yardage consistently out of a play than those that just stopped when they got hit. My favorite college team is Penn State, and they have a stud running back, Evan Royster. The announcers were talking about how when Royster rushes for over 100 yards, Penn State always wins. Where am I going with this? Marriage is very similar - if we keep moving forward then we not only get more yardage out of each "play" (or moment) in life, but we usually win too. If you just give up though on things, then the play is dead, and the majority of times, you won't win either. You have got to keep moving, and communication is a big part of that movement.

This week, I will be talking all about communication - power of communication, what to communicate, problems with not communicating, and how to communicate. Make sure to join me this week!

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Benefits of Marriage: Intimately Known

Okay, let's be honest, we all want someone to know us at our deepest levels. No, not just the happy, pretty/handsome face we show to the world, but the REAL us. We crave that, and marriage is the one place we can really explore and acquire that intimate relationship.

The last benefit of marriage I want to touch on is the intimacy developed in marriage. Marriage provides an avenue for intimacy that no other relationship provides. It does so because of the vows we take to love and cherish our spouse no matter what comes our way (sickness, financial struggles, kids...you name it). Those vows create a safe space for us to make ourselves vulnerable to our spouse in ways we don't typically do in other relationships. Friends come and go, betray us, and fall out of touch. Family is part of who we are and where we came from but still doesn't reach the same places a marriage can. Marriage is different because it is supposed to be for life, which opens up the door to a whole world of intimacy - being known at our deepest levels and loved for every ounce of who we are.

When you know someone is going to love you and stick by you no matter what, you can't help but begin to open up, become vulnerable, and share the deepest parts of who you are. Not only does your spouse get to know who you are as a person on the surface, they get to know how you think, your deepest fears, your scars, your hopes, your dreams, and they also know you sexually as well. What a combination! It's a combination that is often imitated but never repeated in other forms of relationships. No other relationship can provide all of the elements that make marriage such an intimate relationship which allows us to know one another in a way no one else does or can. That bond and intimacy only grows as we stick by our spouse day after day, year after year sharing, caring, and joining.

Being known in every way is such an overwhelming feeling that envelops us with love and pushes us closer to our spouse. It's a "vicious cycle," but in a very good way. Intimacy cultivated in a marriage is one of the best parts of marriage. I like to think of it as the cherry on top :)

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Benefits of Marriage: The Spiritual Side

The Bible tells us that there are a lot of benefits to marriage. We already learned about a whole slew of benefits of marriage found by researchers yesterday, but what does the Bible have to say about marriages? God created marriage because He saw that "it is not good for man to be alone" (Bible, Genesis 2:18).

Marriage really is a God thing. He created marriage because He knew that man and woman needed one another. As I mentioned in "Benefits of Marriage: Friend for Life," we are relational human beings who desire to be known. God knew that about us when He created us (He created us that way), and so he established the idea of marriage for our benefit. The wonderful thing about that is He wants to help our marriages, if we are willing to make Him apart of them. Seek Him, pray to Him, place your marriage, self, & spouse before Him daily, invite Him into your marriage. Not only do we have a companion to go through life with in our spouse, but we also enjoy some pretty cool benefits that come straight from the creator of marriage.

In Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, the Bible tells us one of the key benefits of marriage: "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him." Wow. I don't know about you, but this is pretty profound to me. It's a pretty amazing concept that God has given us a companion so that when we fall in life, the other is there to help pick us up. I'm not sure about you, but I have fallen many times in my life and know that I probably will continue to do so. That's one of the wonderful things I have experienced in my marriage; when I "fall" Steve is right there to help pick me up and visa versa. Not only does it help me/him to recover more quickly, but we bond in that situation as well. It's kind of simple but so true...two are better than one.

In Matthew 18:20, the Bible gives us another big clue as to the benefit of marriage. "For where two or more are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." The cool thing about this verse is that it lets us know that because we have our spouse, we have a prayer partner that helps us to have a direct connection with God. If we get together with our spouse to pray for something, God's going to be right there in our midst. He cares about us, and as a married couple, we are blessed with an automatic ability to have God meet with us. Not sure about you, but I think this is a pretty powerful resource to have available for anyone who gathers before His name.

One of my favorite parts about marriage has been the glimpse of God's love for me. What do I mean? Well, there are times I know that I do not deserve an ounce of Steve's love. I don't deserve for him to cherish and adore me, but he does regardless. He loves me when I am completely unlovable, and in those moments, I feel the brush of God's fingertip on my life. It's a glimpse of how much more my heavenly Father must love me even though I am broken, ugly, and flat out unlovable at times. Marriage is this amazing opportunity to display the love we have for our spouse, but it's also a way to show our spouse the incredible love that God has for us in spite of all our ugliness, which is just an overwhelmingly amazing experience to have.

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Benefits of Marriage: It's Not All in Your Head

Something that really amazed me when I learned about it was that there are a lot of physical and mental benefits of marriage. Literally marriage makes us well. This was shocking to me in a lot of ways because a lot of what you hear is how "marriage is a constant headache," "marriage is a pain in the neck," and other things like that. People have such a negative view of marriage, but the truth is that marriage is literally beneficial to our minds and bodies.

There have been a lot of studies done, and all the research comes back saying the same thing...marriage is good for us in a lot of ways. These studies go on to specify that these benefits are found only in marriages and not couples who merely cohabitate. How exactly is marriage so beneficial to us? Check out the list below (these are 1st marriages compared to singles, cohabitating couples, or divorced people):

• Married couples have lower blood pressure
• Financially married couples are better off and have a higher standard of living.
• Married people smoke less.
• Married people have lower levels of stress.
• Marriage decreases the likelihood of mental illnesses, specifically depression & substance abuse. (Depression is 3 times greater in women who divorce & substance abuse is 2 times more likely in men who divorce)
• Married people display higher levels of happiness.
• Higher life expectancy
• More likely to overcome illnesses, especially life threatening ones
• Married people are less likely to engage in "risky behaviors" and more likely to engage in healthy ones.
• More frequent sex and better quality of sex
• Better overall health
• Higher satisfaction levels with spiritual & religious life.

Another thing to note are the benefits of a married couple on their children. Check out all of those benefits (again, these are in reference to 1st marriages compared to singles, cohabitating couples, or divorce people):

• Children are less likely to experience a premarital birth or conception in future relationships
• Higher education levels & better academic outcomes
• Less likely to experience emotional & behavioral problems
• Less likely to use drugs
• Less child/parent conflicts
• Children are more likely to have financial stability (60% of people under the poverty guidelines are divorced women and children)
• Better physical and emotional health
• Less occurrences of child abuse
• Lower infant mortality rates

As you can see, marriage has a lot of physical, financial, and emotional benefits to both spouses as well as the children involved. Study after study has been done to research these findings, and consistently they show numerous and astounding benefits to individuals who choose to marry and stay married. It's not in your head, marriage equals happier and healthier lives.

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Benefits of Marriage: Friend for Life

One of the most practical and wonderful ways that marriage is a benefit to us is that we have a friend for life. No matter where your marriage is at the moment, you have got to admit that you found your spouse to be enjoyable company at one point and time. Most of the time we marry someone that we really are friends with at first and through the dating process, we decide they are thee friend that we can't live without.

Friendship is something that is important to all human beings. We were created to be in relationship with others. We crave being known at our deepest levels. We crave having someone care about us unconditionally and when we are completely undeserving. We dream of being looked at by the same person day in and day out for 20, 30, 40, 50+ years and still seeing admiration and desire in their eyes that communicates we are still the most attractive person in the world to them. We desire to have someone to share our hopes, dreams, and goals with. We hope for someone to go through life with hand-in-hand laughing, making memories, having fun, and experiencing the joys of living with. I can't help but think of the quote:

"This day I will marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love” ~Author Unknown

Marriage provides all of those things and then some when we are willing to commit to it and be that for our spouse (not just expect that from them without being that for them). One of the greatest joys I have experienced in my own journey of marriage is the friendship that has developed between my husband and I. It is this friendship times a gazillion where we are each others best friend and thoroughly enjoy the company of one another. It's this amazing anchor in our marriage that at the end of the day, we flat out really enjoy one another. He's my "partner in crime," and there's no one else I'd rather do anything with. Now I have to put it in here, I am not saying that you should isolate yourselves from the world and have no other friends. What I am saying though is that we are created for relationships, and a lot of times we work really hard at developing our friendships outside of the marriage. Then there is our marriage, and we forget that the foundation of a good marriage is developing and maintaining that friendship with your spouse. If you keep that friendship strong and growing, you will enjoy your spouse and find it much easier to work through things together. Never mind the fun of being married to your best friend!

I want to leave you with a few cool quotes about friendship that I think remind us why cultivating the friendship in a marriage is so important:

• "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." ~Walter Winchell
• "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief." ~Swedish proverb
• "Friends are needed both for joy and for sorrow." ~Samuel Paterson
• "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." ~The Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

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Benefits of Marriage: Introduction

After last week's topic of "The Last Straw," I found it fitting to do a series this week on "The Benefits of Marriage." Marriage has a lot to offer us both tangibly and intangibly, and I wanted to make sure people were aware. I find it encouraging to know that marriage has so many benefits in so many areas, and my hope is that you too will find it encouraging. Perhaps it will add a little ammo in your back pocket for those tougher days where you are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or discouraged.

Check out this week's itinerary:

• Friend for Life
• It's Not All in Your Head
• The Spiritual Side
• Intimately Known

Stay tuned this week!

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The Last Straw: Love Tip

My hope is that this series "The Last Straw" has spoken to you and encouraged you to fight for your marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I really believe you will be at the end of it all looking back. While the road ahead of you may not be the easiest and it will most likely entail some time, patience and pain, keep moving forward together. I wanted to end the series with a few love tips that might help you on your journey to healing.

Get back to the basics! One of the first things to do, and one of the best things you can do it to set aside time this weekend to sit down with your spouse and spend quality time together getting on the same page. Start out the conversation with saying that you cherish your spouse and your marriage and just want to try and figure out where to go from here. Try to lovingly and sincerely discuss where some of the problem areas are in the marriage, leaving space for your spouse to express with honesty where he/she is at. Try to respectfully state where you are at and how you are feeling and then allow your spouse the same opportunity. Try to get on the same page with committing to making your marriage better, and come up with a game plan on how to do that. Maybe you start with seeking out professional help - sit down and get some names together and start calling together to set up an appointment. Maybe it's to start spending quality time together once a week where you try to enjoy one another's company and still work through some things. You know what your situation is, so try to take this as an opportunity to work on a problem together. Your spouse isn't the problem. You aren't the problem. There is a problem though that's causing difficultly in the marriage - identify that problem and work together to try to solve it.

I understand this may sound oversimplified or just too awkward to think about doing, but I really think that if you just take that step of faith, it will be worth your while. Remember though to not approach it as a potential fight but rather as a moment of sincerity and desperation to make your marriage better. If you have that sincerity and love in your heart, then that's what you will be communicating verbally and non-verbally rather than hostility. If things get a little heated, try to bring it back to, "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I want to fight for you and our marriage. Please, can't we do our best to figure out what the problems are and how we can go about trying to solve them?" Love and respect...they will take you so far in situations like these. Remember, your spouse isn't the problem, there is just a breakdown somewhere that needs adjustments. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It may seem daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, but trust me, it's the easier and way better path than divorce.

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The Last Straw: A Note to Family & Friends

Steve and I were in a wedding this past weekend. He was the best man, and I was a matron of honor. It reminded me of the importance of family and friends in a marriage. Steve and I were discussing how "best man" and "matron of honor" aren't just titles but rather responsibilities and accountability to the couple and to God to help this marriage. As I stood on the stage beside the bride, I looked out at the faces joining us that day, and my prayer was that each person would come around this couple to keep them accountable to one another and their vows. Family and friends play an important role in the success of marriages.

Something I have placed great emphasis on in previous articles is the role of family and friends. My main point is always that no one should ever come between but should always come around a couple. You want and need to be surrounded by people that will encourage you as a couple and always promote your marriage. Anyone who is destructive to your marriage or a negative influence to its growth should not be given access to influencing you. Protect your marriage by making sure that the people around you are always keeping you accountable, promoting your marriage, and encouraging your marriage (for more info, check out my previous article titled "Common Challenges: Family & Friends").

Right now, I want to specifically address if you are dealing with a situation where someone you care about is facing divorce. What should you do? What shouldn't you do? My goal is to give you some direction. The first thing to remember is that your "job" is to always promote the growth and health of your loved one's marriage. Try not to ever come between a couple but rather come around them. Remind them that all couples go through challenging times, and in fact, they too have gone through challenging times before. They have made it through it before, and you believe they can make it through this as well coming out stronger on the other side. Reflect upon their strengths - "You guys are such a great pair." "You are a strong couple." "If anyone can make it, it's you two." Reflect upon their commitments - "This is not an easy situation, but remember that the kids really need you guys to pull through this and show them a wonderful example of what married life is like." "I remember standing there on your wedding day hearing you say your vows to one another, and guess what? This is that 'for better or worse' part. Hang in there!" Encourage, encourage, encourage! It's a delicate balance, but coupling commitment, responsibility, and accountability with encouragement is really important. Also, depending on how severe the situation is, encouraging them to get professional help and even offering some suggestions of places to go is always a great idea. Finally, pray for them! Prayer is powerful, and this couple could really use all the prayer they can get. Remember, your role is to come alongside this couple to encourage their marriage.

On the flip side, there are some things I would really recommend avoiding if you are the family or friend of a couple on the verge of divorce or really struggling. Don't come between them! You definitely want to provide them with an outlet, but don't allow them to become emotionally dependent on you. Lend a listening ear, and then encourage them to speak with their spouse about their situation and how they are feeling. Don't be "the straw that breaks the camels back." In other words, if someone comes to you and thinks they just can't stay in their marriage a moment longer, don't push them in that direction. Of course if they are in harms way, then don't push them to stay, but otherwise, promote the marriage. You don't want to be the one saying, "Just leave him/her." That is dangerous territory, and I would encourage you to try your best to give them as many other options as possible to salvage their marriage because it really is one of the best things they can do. Remember, divorce is a long, painful, and complicated process that wreaks havoc, chaos, pain, and destruction on its victims.

As family and friends, you have a unique opportunity to speak into this person's life. Use that opportunity wisely to encourage and promote the success of their marriage. Pray for them. Help them to move toward not away from their spouse. Provide them with resources. Come alongside the couple, not between them, and I guarantee that both you and this couple will be ever so thankful.

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The Last Straw: Road to Healing

What if you marriage is struggling, but you don't want to get a divorce? You want to make it better. You want to make it work. Now what? Well, the first thing to know is that getting your marriage back on it's feet and better than ever is a process that can take awhile. Patience is essential and tenacity is a must.

My first suggestion to any couple that has been feeling like divorce is an option or that their marriage is on its death bed is to go get professional help! It's the greatest investment and move you can make. A lot of people have a negative view of professional mental health services, but the truth is that there isn't a thing wrong with it. Think about it...if you found out you have cancer, you wouldn't just sit back and hope you didn't die. You would go to a doctor and start the long, painful process to healing. You would fight for your life. Getting help from a therapist, counselor, or psychologist is simply a way to fight for the life of your marriage when it's being attacked by a life-threatening "disease." A lot of people even go to therapists for a check-up just to make sure everything is on track. Professionals can help you identify the specific break downs, give you tools for success, and make the already challenging process a lot easier, quicker, and typically more successful than if you just try to struggle through and figure things out on your own. Professional help is one of the best resources and options for a couple/marriage that is struggling.

Another option is to get some books on marriage. There are a lot of books out there with some great and helpful information that can not only help your marriage but help you as an individual. Books can sometimes just help to open up your eyes to what might be going on in your marriage and give you some ideas on how to make your marriage better. They help give you more knowledge on the subject. Often times when we need to do something or want to know more about a subject, we read about it in a book or look up an article online. The same is true for marriage; if you want to know more, learn more, and become more knowledgeable on marriage, read up on it. I will have a list of books I recommend coming soon.

One of the best steps you can take in your marriage is to literally profess to yourself and your spouse out loud that you are going to fight for your marriage. Take the time to sit down with your spouse and discuss where things are at, what you each are feeling, and make a commitment right then and there together to do what it takes to turn things around. If your spouse wants nothing to do with this process, well then make that commitment to yourself to do what you can to make a change...go get individual therapy to help you through the process, grab some books yourself, make some changes in your behavior. Change is contagious and requires movement. It may sound oversimplified, but you would be shocked what just making up your mind to do something can do to your marriage. Make up your mind today to make your marriage not only work but be the best it can be.

It's tough to really give specific advice for each of my readers because I don't know each situation. That is why my first suggestion is to get professional help from someone who can tailor their advice specifically to the needs of you and your marriage. These are general concepts though that can really help get you moving in the right direction. If you need more specific help or ideas (finding a professional near you, book suggestions, tips, etc.), feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com.

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The Last Straw: Let's Stay Together

Yesterday I talked about the reality of divorce; that it isn't a clean slate but rather a whole new set of problems. In Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor says it well about divorce, "it doesn't eliminate the relational dysfunction evidenced in the marriage. Marriage problems are relationship problems, they are the result of how two people interact with each other. You may abandon a troubled marriage, but you will still bring the way you interact with others along with you." That being said, I want to take a moment to highlight some points about sticking it out with the one you are with.

Things may seem overwhelming and unbearable right now, but I would ask that you would pause for a second and think about the following things. You chose this person, and they chose you out of the 6.791 billion people in the world. Think about that...that's a pretty big deal and saying a heck of a lot about what you think about each other. Also, I would ask you to stop and think about all the time, energy, love, memories, and overall investments you have been putting into this marriage to date. Do you really want to throw that all away and try to start over with someone who doesn't know you at all? Someone you have to start all over with from scratch? There was a point in time where your relationship with your spouse was good and happy, or you wouldn't have chosen them and/or wanted to be with them for the rest of your life. Where did you lose that? Why did you lose that? How do you get back to a place where you love and respect one another? Where you cherish your marriage? Those are the types of questions to be asking yourself when considering divorce. You have a deep history with this person - a combined life, possibly children (which are a visible product of your oneness and unity), shared memories, shared assets. Divorce doesn't rid you of that history. It doesn't let you start from scratch. Divorce is a devastating and painful process that leaves you broken in a lot of ways. Are you really better off for taking that option?

Think about the reality of divorce - the pain, the expense, the awkwardness, the effect on your children, family and friends, the mental & physical toll on you and your spouse, the reality that these relational issues may certainly follow you into the next relationship. Think about your marriage - you chose this person out of all the other options in the world, you vowed your life and faithfulness to this person, you have a history with this person, you love this person (even if you don't feel it at the moment). Honestly, I have heard it time and time again, it is better to work it out with the one you are with than to choose the painful path of divorce.

People think that unhappy marriages leave them with two options - #1) Get a divorce and be happy, or #2) Stay in the marriage and be miserable for the rest of their lives. Those aren't the only two options. Linda Waite, with the University of Chicago and a team of leading family scholars found that "two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later." This is encouraging news people! There is hope for your marriage, but you have to stick it out, fight for it, do your part to reap the rewards. Keep in mind that all those negatives that I mentioned yesterday as resulting from divorce, the opposite is true for marriages - your finances are better off, your mental and physical health are increased, your kids have a healthier and better life, spiritually you are stronger and united, your friends and family stay united and aren't hurt...the list goes on.

My biggest point in all of this isn't to hurt anyone or make anyone feel condemned. My goal is to get you to examine the reality of divorce versus the benefits of staying married. We often get disillusioned about "the other side" and think the grass is greener. The reality is that it isn't, and you need to be aware of and prepared for that reality so that you can make the best and right decision for you and your family.

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The Last Straw: A Look at Divorce

So you don't think you can take it anymore? There's no way to make it work? You just don't love each other anymore? You can't stay in this marriage a moment longer? Divorce is the only answer, right? Well, what exactly does that option look like and what does it entail? Is the divorced life really better than trying to make it with your spouse? Let's examine these questions.

A lot of people believe that marriages are happy, just because they are. They think marital bliss is just part of the package, and when it isn't, they want out. Mark Gungor says it well in his book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, "It's not that there is not bliss to be had--there is; it's that bliss that comes only after blisters. Marital bliss is the result of marital blisters--lots of hard work, where you work till it hurts, sometimes till you bleed." Many times people think that happy marriages should happen just because. Good marriage, happy marriages, strong marriages...they all happen because you put the necessary work and effort into it. Marrying "the right person" means nothing if you aren't willing to put in the time and dedication needed to your marriage. Mark Gungor also says that "marriage is a process, not a product." What he means by that is that we aren't walking in to this already good-to-go thing where there's no assembly required. Marriage is a path, a journey that requires a ton of energy, lots of "I'm sorry's," one too many sleepless nights, days of despair, as much patience and love as you can muster, more prayers than you thought you could conjure up, wisdom beyond measure, and a death to selfishness & awakening to selflessness.

That's all well and good, but what is the reality of getting a divorce? Most people think that when things just get "too tough" in their marriage that the best thing to do is run the other way and get a divorce. They think that divorce has to be better than the marriage that they are in. The unfortunate reality is that divorce isn't running away from your problems so much as it is running toward a whole new set of problems. The reality of divorce is that it is a very challenging, difficult, and taxing thing that has the following new set of problems waiting for you:

• Children - Many people believe that divorce is a better alternative to the well-being of a child than to be in a "hostile" home. While being around parents who constantly fight isn't ideal, statistics show that children are not okay after divorce. They are subjected to emotional trauma that stays with them throughout their life. They are less likely to have a successful marriage as well compared to those children whose parents stayed together. The effects of divorce on children are devastating and often life lingering.
  
• Finances - Divorces take devastating blows to each person's financial standing. Divorce severely lowers the standard of living. 60% of people under the poverty guidelines are divorced women and children. Attorney fees, court fees, dividing assets, divided incomes, child support...they all lead to devastating effects on each individual's financial status & standard of living as well as the children involved.
• Mental Health - Studies show that divorced people are less happy and have a higher risk of substance abuse. Depression is 3 times greater in women who divorce than in those who do not. Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce including things like depression, hostility, self-acceptance issues, personal growth issues, and lowered positive relations with others.
  
• Physical Health - Divorced people are shown to be less healthy. The life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people, who have the longest life expectancies. The overall health consequences of divorces are extremely severe, and health studies conclude that not only are married couples the most likely to recover from illnesses (including terminal illnesses like cancer), but divorced individuals suffer from a long-term impact on their physical health due to the emotional trauma of the divorce.
  

These are just some of the main areas affected by divorce. There is of course spiritual and religious implications as well. On top of all of these issues, you aren't even fully rid of your spouse because if kids are involved, you will have to encounter them for visitations, family functions, holidays, important events, etc. You will never really be "rid" of you ex even if you do divorce. Not only are you and your children affected by divorce but all of the family and friends are involved too and are stuck enduring the painful process as well. It's a painful, destructive situation for everyone involved.

One of the other things I really want to point out is re-marriage. To be honest I cannot recount a single person I know that has been divorced that has said they were glad they did it. In fact, every person I know that has divorced and re-married has told me that they wished they had just stuck it out with their first spouse. They say that a new spouse only means a whole new set of problems and issues but it's compounded by all the baggage, hurt, and issues from the last. Someone very close to me said the following about their post-divorce situation, "I wished I had just stuck with my first spouse. Every day I have to wake up feeling like I am living a lie because I am so miserable with the decision I made. Now I am just trying to make it work with my second wife, but we have more problems than I did with my first wife. I should have just did the work I needed to in the first marriage, and we all would have been much better off."

I want to close by saying that I know some of you may be up in arms about this article. It may strike a chord or hit a nerve. I want to say that if you are divorced and/or re-married, I do believe there is hope for you and a chance for a happy life and marriage. It's going to require a lot of time, energy, and work though. The point of this article though is point out that there is a lot of disillusionment about divorce. It's not the easy way out at all...it's the very long, painful, and damaging path.

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The Last Straw: Introduction

There is a poll on Little Wifey where I asked you the readers to vote on where your marriage is at. Out of those of you who voted, just over 29% of you said your marriages are "headed downhill," "barely surviving," or "over." That is just out of those of you who actually voted. Recently those marriages (while anonymous to me) have been on my mind and on my heart, so I decided to do a series this week called "The Last Straw."

"The Last Straw" is a series for people who are in marriages that are struggling and maybe on the verge of divorce. It will examine the argument of staying married versus getting a divorce, real life testimonies, the road to healing, and a note to family & friends of people in this situation. My hope is that those of you struggling or those of you who know of someone that is struggling, will read this, spread the word, and find it helpful.

If you have specific questions or areas you would like addressed regarding this series, feel free to email me at ashley@littlewifey.com, and I will do my best to answer those specific questions you might have.

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Pre-Marital Preparation: Introduction

While a lot of you are married, there are a lot of you not married. As much as I love addressing marital issues, most of them start before we ever get married. Being careful and particular of who you marry, implementing good habits, working out some of your issues, and building that strong foundation are all things that I wish every couple could do before they got married. Starting out on the right foot helps so tremendously because you typically haven't already built up a huge wall between the two of you or piled on the damage from unresolved issues. It gives you the opportunity to start out strong and prevent a lot of potential problems. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't really think about the long term when they decide to marry someone. Sure you think you are madly in love and want to be with them forever, but do you ever really think about what that means, what that entails, and what that looks like?

This week I want to go through some really important things for people who are engaged, in a serious relationship, in a new relationship, dating, or that are thinking marriage is somewhere in their future. As I always say, marriage is one of the most incredible things we get to experience here on Earth, and my hope is that this series will help to get you started off on the right foot when you are ready for that step.

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Gift of Marriage: The Goal

We cannot be content to be complacent.

When I look back over history, I cannot help but notice that great things were forged in the search for more, for better. When people stepped out in faith, they were rewarded generously. Often times their journeys required patience, time, and sacrifice, but they left an everlasting fingerprint and difference in their own life as well as those around them. Personally, I have found this same thing to be true within my own life. The times I have sought better, stepped out in faith, I was rewarded ever so generously. The path, the journey, the adventure was often challenging and met with adversity, but the end was worth the means.

Where am I going with this? Although I think we must be thankful for what we have, where we are, and all that we have been blessed with, I think we have to constantly be striving to be better. Stop to smell the roses, and then plant some more...or something like that :) This is how I view marriage, and the attitude I hope to cultivate within myself and my readers...always want to be a better wife, a better husband, and have a better marriage. If you are striving for that, then you are always moving forward even if in the smallest of increments.

So often we grow complacent and comfortable with where things are. Now don't confuse this with being thankful and grateful for what you have...I am talking about something different. Being thankful is essential, but adopting and attitude of complacency results in decay. Coming to mind is the medical condition of bedsores. Here is a blip from the Mayo Clinic to fill you in:

"Bedsores, more accurately called pressure sores or pressure ulcers, are areas of damaged skin and tissue that develop when sustained pressure cuts off circulation to vulnerable parts of your body, especially the skin on your buttocks, hips and heels. Without adequate blood flow, the affected tissue dies.

Although people living with paralysis are especially at risk, anyone who is bedridden, uses a wheelchair or is unable to change positions without help can develop bedsores.

Bedsores can develop quickly, progress rapidly and are often difficult to heal. Yet health experts say many of these wounds don't have to occur. Key preventive measures can maintain the skin's integrity and encourage healing of bedsores"

Marriages can have their own bedsores when we stop doing the work necessary to keep the circulation moving. Just like when we stop moving or can't move our bodies and the blood flow is discontinued, the tissues dies, marriages die when we stop moving toward one another and growth. Also like bedsores, these problems can develop quickly, progress rapidly, and lead to a difficult healing process. Another similarity between the two? That key preventive measures can maintain the integrity and healing of a marriage.

My objective with Little Wifey is to encourage each couple, each person to strive for movement and growth in their marriage. Follow some key preventive measures to help maintain the integrity and health of the marriage. Each couple draws their own conclusions, boundaries, standards, etc., but my hope is that I give you some key things to steer clear from, avoid, implement, etc. all aimed at promoting the constant movement, growth, and health of your marriage. You get out of marriage what you put in; it requires work, effort, and commitment.

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Gift of Marriage: Reason for Rules

A mother lovingly looks at her child who is staring at her with scared eyes. She can't help but think to herself what could have happened worse case scenario. She had been telling her child since she can remember to never get caught up in the wrong crowd. As she looked at her 16 year old boy, she knew she loved him just as much now as ever but was disappointed with the situation that lay before her. Her son had decided to go hang out with some friends and try drinking. After a few drinks, they decided to head out on the town to see who they could see. Because of the impairment, her son's driving was less than stellar, and he had swerved off the road and hit a tree. Everyone was okay, but his mother knew it could have been much worse. Now he would lose his license along with a lot of other privileges as a result.

A man is driving along stuck in his head with thoughts of everything going on in his life - the nagging boss, the list of to do's, the upcoming visit by some family. He isn't really paying attention to his driving, and he accidentally runs a stop sign. Bam! He nails the car that had the right-of-way, and suddenly he snaps out of his head and into the reality that he just got in an accident. Everyone is fine, but he can't help but kick himself for not paying attention. The police come, he is given a citation, he swaps information with the driver, and leaves to head home. His insurance is going to go up, he has this silly fine to pay, and now his car is dinged up too...all from running a stop sign.

Rules and guidelines exist in our every day lives no matter who you are or where you live. Communities, countries, states, towns...they all have rules and they all differ. Parents and families have rules too. What are rules and guidelines good for though? Rules and guidelines don't exist to bind us, restrict us, or condemn us. They are there to provide a better life, a better place to live. Right? Think about it - what if everyone was aloud to steal, kill, and do whatever they pleased? Would we be safe? Would we be happy? No. Those rules are there because they are generally believed to be things that contribute to us having a safe and happy community to live in. How about in a family then? I don't know a single parent that doesn't have at least one rule for their children to abide by. Why do they have rules? Is it so their child is miserable and can have zero fun? No. It's to protect their child, guide their child to a better and happier life. Rules are an essential part of our lives. They protect us, guide us, and provide us with something better.

What happens though if a rule is broken? Is the person who broke that rule a complete reject that everyone hates and wants nothing to do with? Does a parent just disown their child? Typically the answer to that question is no (there are extenuating circumstances where heinous are committed and the resulting consequences are intense) . Unfortunately though when rules are broken consequences are the resulting situation. For example, in the first scenario above, the teenage boy lost his license and now he will most likely be grounded from going out as well. Does the mother hate him? No, but consequences still exist as a result of the choice the boy made. In the second scenario, the man ran a stop sign. He didn't do it intentionally, but he broke the law and is stuck with consequences of a fine, insurance increase, and paying to fix his own car as well. Is society kicking him out? No, but as a result of running the stop sign, he must deal with the consequences. Consequences are a standard result to the choices we make - some can be good and some can be bad depending on the choice we make.

Laws are there to protect us and guide us to keep everyone safe and afforded the opportunity for the pursuit of happiness. Parents give their children rules and guidelines to protect them and help them to pursue happy and fulfilling lives. Laws/guidelines/standards are derived off of a general consensus, experiences, and research. We take a look at the things we have seen, know, or are proven to be helpful and/or destructive and say, "Try to do these things, and try to avoid these things." Depending on what law or guideline you break, there are different consequences varying from a slap on the hand to much more severe. Really though laws and guidelines are there to provide us with the freedom to live a safe and happy life, which is the concept that I bring into my writings for marriages & relationships in general.

I want all of you to understand that I am coming at you with guidelines and standards that I have learned through experiences, education, research, and observation to be important to have. It isn't so that you feel overwhelmed with do's and don'ts. It isn't so that you feel condemned or judged. It is merely a guidebook that says, these are things that are proven to be potentially dangerous for a marriage...try to avoid them. Or if there are something positive, try to implement them. It isn't to restrict or bind you, but rather to liberate you from the bondage and damage that they so often bring. We are all human though, and we may not always achieve our goals, guidelines, and standards for one reason or another. Lord knows I have ventured off or fallen short more than once. If you venture off or have ventured off in a certain area, I am simply saying, "Welcome to the club. We all stumble and are trying to strive for a better life. Dust yourself off, deal with the consequences, and try again!" Nobody is perfect at all, but my objective is to communicate that it doesn't mean we should stop trying to be better. Rules and guidelines are there to help prevent us from piling on a bunch of baggage to our lives where we are bound and defined by them. Instead, they are there to provide a guide to living a freer, better life.

Marriages have such incredible potential, but we need guidelines and help to provide ourselves the opportunity to explore a better and more fulfilling marriage. A parent looks at a child with the knowledge of their full potential and tries to do their best to keep that child on track with guidelines and standards. That is my hope and aspiration as a therapist with this resource - provide your marriage, that has so much potential, with some tools to make it the best it can be. The important thing to note though is that I may give you my guidelines and give you information on things that may help or inhibit your marriage, but each marriage, each couple must discuss what their specific rules and standards are for their marriage. You may not have as strong of a stance on something as I do, and that's fine. What matters is that you are discussing these things openly and honestly to come up with a collaborative set of guidelines to try to live by in your home. This will vary from home to home and may differ from the standards and guidelines I communicate, but I hope that the warning signs I put out there are heeded. I am not trying to condemn or judge anyone, I am trying to simply provide you with the freedom from the bondage of all the things that try to steal the joy and life from your marriage.

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Gift of Marriage: Core Beliefs

As a reader of Little Wifey, I think it is essential for you to understand where I am coming from for all of my writings. Sometimes you may disagree with you or may not like my point of view, but knowing where someone is coming from and their intentions can really help regardless. If you do disagree with me, feel free to let me know via email (ashley@littlewifey.com) or a comment. My hope though is that you would consider a different perspective from your own and respect my education, point of view, and intentions.

Where am I coming from? I am coming from a place of complete belief in marriages. Marriages are an amazing gift from God, and I believe that with all of my heart. They are hard work and require constant energy and commitment, but they are the most worthwhile investment you can make. Marriages are fun, exciting, and an opportunity to have a best friend by your side for the rest of your life. They are incredible, intimate, and an opportunity to grow as an individual. For me, marriages are this incredible opportunity we have on earth to experience unconditional (well as close to it as possible) love and security. I love marriages and believe in them!

Another place that I am coming from that I believe very strongly in is that marriage is for life. In me first entries I made it clear that I believe in "No Escape Clause." That means that I believe marriage is for life and there can be no possibility for getting out. Trust me, when you have that mentality, you are going to work your butt off to make your marriage successful and the best it can be. You will figure out a way to work out that impossible problem or communicate about something. Now I know some of you are probably up in arms that I am being judgmental or that I am encouraging something preposterous because of so many x factors out there. I understand what you are saying, and I want to make it clear that I am not trying to judge anyone or shame anyone. That's not what this is about. We all make mistakes or decisions we thought were best, and there is always an opportunity for grace and mercy. Of course there are situations where lives might be endangered in a marriage, and I am not going to sit back and say to just take it. At the same time, I want you to know that despite my belief in love, redemption, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, I hold a firm line with this belief. I have to because I believe it works, and I cannot apologize for that. My encouragement is to make sure you know who you are marrying before you marry them. If you are divorced, my encouragement would be to not make the same mistakes twice. Believing that marriage is for life and divorce is not an option gives the marriage a fighting chance because every single marriage will experience a time or two where you will use that door you left cracked open. Just shut that door completely, and your marriage will already be stronger for it. Still not buying it? Well, if a hurricane comes through, and you left a door so much as cracked on your house, what would happen? Those winds would rip that door completely open and destroy your home completely. If that door was closed those, you stand a chance. Sure you might get some dings, broken windows, and a little damage, but that house is still standing. Marriage is no different - don't crack the door to divorce because when the hurricanes of life come, it will wreak havoc on your marriage.

It is important that you understand that I love people and marriages! I love seeing people happy and healthy. Life is so challenging and presents us with so many obstacles, and I understand that. That is why I want to do everything I can to help, and I believe my calling is especially helping in the area of marriage. That is why I went and got my B.S. in Psychology and my M.A. in Clinical Psychology with a specialization in Marriage & Family Therapy. I believe in marriage and the miracle and blessing that it is. Know that everything I write and everything I do is with the intention of utilizing my passion, education, and experience to help your marriage, your relationship, your life. I pray for my readers. I work very hard on everything I write and do. I care about each of you and want to do everything I can to help.

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