Food for Marriage: Love Tip

Happy Friday everyone!

As you know, we are currently talking about the essential components to keeping a marriage nourished and thriving. It is a 2-week series I call "Food for Marriage." I thought today we would take a little break from the articles to apply some of what we have learned this week. Let's take this menu and make it a meal :)

How can we apply the concepts from this week - Christ-centered, Commitment, and Communication - to our marriages? Well, I am guessing most of you are going to have a 3-day weekend. Woo hoo! It's the perfect time (no excuses for no time people!) to try out one or more of the following on your own marriage:

1. Christ-centered - This weekend take some time with your spouse to sit down and talk about where your relationship is at spiritually. Is God at all a part of your relationship? Is he the center? What could you do differently or better to have Christ be a real part of your marriage? You don't have to spend a ton of time on this, but at least 10 minutes so it's substantial enough to get somewhere. Then discuss some things that you each would like to be praying about (maybe it's your marriage, your kids, your job, your finances...you get the idea). Next, pray together giving each person a chance to pray for the things the other person mentioned. If your marriage is too estranged to do this, think about these things on your own and then pray for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.
   
2. Commitment - Sit down with your spouse and write down all of the things you are collectively and individually committed to (job, PTA meetings, small group, etc.). Rank their importance and put an approximate number of hours spent each week on those commitments. Tally those numbers for a grand total. On the same sheet of paper, write the words "Our Marriage." Pause for a minute and think about what you do to commit to your marriage. Do you set aside any specific time to just focus on the marriage? Write down a list of any and all things you do each week to nurture your marriage. Estimate how much time is spent doing those things. Now look at the 2 grand totals. Is it way lop-sided? Is it balanced? Talk about how you can up the time in the column spent on your marriage. How can you better commit to your marriage? If there just isn't enough time, figure out what you can take out of the other list of commitments to make time to commit more to your marriage. Our marriages have to be #1 in importance - even though we can't spend 40 hours a week on it, are you putting quality into it?
   
3. Communication - Each spouse write down 5 things they love about their spouse and 3 things each thinks are the biggest stumbling blocks or issues in the marriage. Next, put one of the pens aside and use one of the pens as the "speaking pen." Think of it as a microphone where only the person holding it can speak. The first person holding it should name the first thing on their love list about their spouse and explain why they chose that. After doing so, hand the pen "microphone" to the other person to let them comment if they desire or then list their first thing on the love list & why. Repeat this process for all 5 things on the love lists. Next repeat the same process for the 3 issues. The point of the exercise is to give space for each person to say their piece with love and respect and to build up our spouses and marriage. Then it allows the other person to repeat what they heard and how they feel about it. Once you have accomplished the lists, talk about what you had in common on the lists, what was challenging about the exercise, what you liked, and the overall experience.
   

Alright everyone - try at least one of these out this weekend. Let me know how it goes, what you thought, and all that good stuff! Enjoy the long weekend, and I will meet you back here on Monday (yup, I will still do a Monday entry) to continue the "Food for Marriage" series!

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Food for Marriage: Commitment

The second food in my Food for Marriage pyramid is commitment. Commitment is defined by Merriam Webster as:

2a: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future b: something pledged c: the state or an instance of being obligated to emotionally impelled commitment to a cause

I have discussed commitment previously (check out "Love is Intentional: Making a Vow" and "Love is Intentional: Daily Re-Commitment"), and I want to emphasize the importance of it once again. Commitment to marriage is like the heartbeat of marriage; you must exercise it and keep it going if you want the marriage to survive. So many people do not realize that marriage is a commitment; we are vowing that we will stick it out, make the most of it, love and care for our spouse, and do everything we can to nurture our marriage for the rest of our lives. It isn't a feeling or emotion - those change moment by moment. If you are basing your marriage on a fleeting feeling or emotion, then it will most certainly fail. Marriage is a commitment that you must make for life if you want the marriage to make it and thrive. It is that strong footing for which you can place everything upon. Think of a mountain climber. Now I am not a climber myself; I am afraid of heights, but I am familiar with the concept of climbing (I know people and have done one of those climbing walls...haha). Having a strong footing is important; you can't take the next step if you don't have something to push off of. Commitment is that strong footing on a journey up the mountain of life in marriage. Without it, you aren't going anywhere but down.

Marriage isn't something you fell into. The world often says that you fall in love and get married. The reality is that you should spend enough time with a person to establish if they are someone you want to commit to for life in a commitment called marriage. It isn't about falling into anything. It goes back to the fundamental concept that we choose what decisions we make, how we act, how we react, etc. Marriage is a commitment, and it's only going to be as good and strong as the commitment you are willing to make to it and your spouse. Part of that commitment is self-sacrifice. It is that other-oriented mentality. Now I am not encouraging anyone to completely give up their self-identity or to enter into an abusive relationship. What I am saying though is that if you want your marriage to work, if you want your spouse to be happy in the marriage, if you want to be happy in the marriage, if you want your marriage to be the best it can be...you have to start thinking about your spouse. When you enter into a marriage, you are giving up the right to just live for yourself. It's now a joint effort, and everything you do, every decision you make affects someone else. You must start thinking about the other person - their needs, what's best for the marriage, their wants. Maybe you really want to buy a new boat, so you start just putting "your" money aside so you can save up and buy one. Meanwhile, there are some debts that could be paid off, or maybe you really need a few things around the house. It's not about what you want anymore - what do both of you want. If you both want that boat and can really afford it without putting a strain on your finances and marriage, then go for it. But if it's a bone of contention because your spouse knows there are other things that money could and should be spent on, then you need to accept that responsibility. It's not "your" money anymore - it's "our" money. Get outside of yourself and focus on making the marriage work and the other person happy. In the end it will make you happier anyway because your marriage will be thriving and your spouse will happily married.

We so easily commit to so many things - guys/girls night out every month, our jobs, watching TV, even church functions. We commit ourselves to so many things and leave our marriage and family hanging. Although there are other things we need and want to commit to, we can't leave our marriages in the dust. Commitment to the marriage should be the first and foremost commitment at all times with everything else falling in line. The commitment can't be half-hearted or else it's pointless. You must fully commit each and every day to your marriage - making the most of it and being the best spouse possible.

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